The Emoji Guide to the World Cup

25 Jun

world cup

Americans, myself included, have done a great job of pretending to care about the World Cup this year. I know I’ve done a pretty admirable job of rephrasing the dozen or so things I know about soccer for the past few weeks. America is like the popular kid who was about to make fun of some other kids for liking Pokemon before realizing that every other kid likes Pokemon so he better pretend he’s always liked Pokemon too. Soccer is Pokemon in this analogy. Try to keep up.

“Jozy Altidore is hurt? Are you kidding me? He’s been one of our best players since I heard his name for the first time last week.”

Don’t challenge America to a blind patriotism/drinking contest because we will accept that challenge any day of the week. Not only will we pack bars and chant “U-S-A” constantly, but we will also send Snap Chats of the bar’s reaction after each U.S. goal. Brazil, Mexico and Chile can live in the moment, we’d rather live in 10 seconds glimpses of our friends’ lives forty minutes later.

But how can FIFA and ESPN really get the American people to truly embrace World Cup Soccer?

Emojis.

Emojis saved Americans from having to learn how to read and write, I’m pretty sure they can help us through the World Cup. You may not know the origins of Emojis. At one point a couple years ago America confronted Japan and we were like, “Hey, we are America and we are just as good at building things as you are! You better watch out!” and Japan was like, “here, play with these,” and we were like “AWESOME!”

I honestly spent about an hour trying to think of an article that involved every country in the World Cup being represented by a different Emoji, but I just couldn’t imagine a scenario in which it didn’t end up being super racist. Instead, I’m offering a way to incorporate emojis into the soccer watching process to keep Americans interested rather than just staring blankly, waiting for a goal.

A giant emoji will appear on the screen in certain situations to help explain what is happening. Here are a few examples.

Praying Hands Emoji

 

praying hands

America is an underdog and currently trailing in the game. The hands symbolize prayer, which symbolizes eventual victory, which symbolizes God’s preference of our country over other countries.

Mustache Man Emoji

mustache

 

A foreign team is taking the field. We are suspicious of men with mustaches. As Americans, we are also suspicious of foreigners.

Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji

monkey eyes

There is about to be a penalty kick or otherwise high intensity event in a crucial moment of the game. When you see the Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji it’s a good time to take a dramatic sip of beer and turn your face to your friend while keeping your eyes on the screen and say, “This is huge.”

Monkey Covering Ears Emoji

monkey ears

 

An announcer, probably with some stupid accent of a country not as cool as ours, is saying something negative about Team USA. While you don’t understand the intricacies of soccer enough to know whether or not the statement is true, it’s a good time to turn to your friend and say “that’s bullshit.”

Poop Emoji

poop emoji

The referee made a call against Team USA. Naturally, he is a pile of poop with eyeballs and a mouth.

Strong Arm Emoji

strong arm emoji

A simple reminder that even if other countries are more coordinated than us we are still stronger and could crush them if need be.

Party Popper Emoji

party popper

 

The U.S. scored a goal! Start yelling and jumping and inadvertently spilling beer on the American flag that you brought to the bar and have already let hit the ground like ten times.

Girl in Red Dress Emoji

red dress

 

This doesn’t mean anything, she’s just going to check in on you periodically so you don’t lose focus.

OK Emoji

ok

 

Something good happened other than a goal. You don’t actually understand what happened or why it was good, but you should turn to your friend and say “that was nice.”

‘I’m Here To Help You’ Lady Emoji

help lady

 

It’s halftime. People will now come on the screen to explain what happened in the first half. You don’t have to listen, though. You can use this time to order another beer and talk about real football and how you can’t believe all the other countries stole its name and used it for their sport.

‘No Way’ Lady Emoji

x arms

There was a yellow card or red card on the other team. Get ready for the replay because you are supposed to say “Oh c’mon! You can’t do that!”

Beer Emoji

beer

 

The US won! Order a beer. Drink it and explain why your country is better than every other country because of soccer.

Two Beers Emoji

two beers

 

The US lost! Order two beers. Drink them and explain why your country is better than every other country because soccer is stupid.

Smirking Emoji

smirking emoji

The World Cup games are over for the day. You barely know anything about soccer, but no one noticed. You fooled the entire bar. You sly, American, you.

-Jonny Auping

 

Uber Ambulances: Bleed Out in Luxury

15 Jun

uber

Over the past five years the tech company Uber has made huge splashes all over the country. The trendy app/website, which allows you to order a ride through a mobile app and track the car’s progress as it approaches,  has completely revolutionized the world of transportation and the company is now valued at over 18 billion dollars.

Their enormous success has not come without its share of opposition, however. Taxi and transportation commissions have strongly opposed Uber’s business tactics and accused them of operating as “unlicensed taxis.” Their shifting prices and fares are harder to regulate than most taxi cabs as Uber is its own separate business. There are still large cities around the country that have yet to allow Uber to operate legally within the city.

The people at Uber are clearly unafraid of opposition considering their newest venture is likely to upset people far beyond the Yellow Cab industry. This upcoming Fall, the company plans to launch Uber Ambulances, an efficient upscale medical service that will take you to the hospital through the Uber Ambulance app.

The process is simple. A customer suffers a serious injury and rather than calling 911 and waiting for an ambulance, which can be very expensive, they simply plug in their location to the Uber Ambulance. Within minutes they will receive a text telling them the name of their driver with a tracking device showing them how close the driver is to picking them up.

“It’s going to change the medical field forever,” claims company president John Uber. “When you get shot in the face do you really want to deal with a 911 operator? I mean who even talks on the phone anymore, anyway? Plus, paying for an ambulance is tricky, I think you have to use ObamaCare or something. With Uber Ambulances you can just pay upfront with your Uber account.”

So far test cases have shown mixed results.

Mike Leonard was hit by a bus and used Uber Ambulance to get to the hospital.

“I mean, I’m still alive, so I guess it worked. I typed in my location and my injury and within minutes it told me that ‘Phillip’ was on his way in a gray Range Rover. Then I got another text asking how bad I was bleeding and whether Phillip should put down sheets in his back seat to protect his leather seats. It also asked if I wanted to tag any friends in my ambulance experience. Most of my fingers were broken so I declined.”

Like the Uber taxi experience, one of the biggest factors that separates the Uber Ambulance is all the amenities that come with the ride. Creative leader John Goober elaborated on the experience.

“We can pretty much guarantee it will be more fun than any ambulance ride you’ve ever had. Each ambulance has a mini-fridge that carries Fiji water and Greek yogurt. While you wait for your ambulance’s arrival you can also create your own Spotify playlist to listen to on your way to the hospital. We’re even thinking about putting a First Aid kit under the driver’s seat with band-aids and stuff. Oh, and the Beats by Dre headphones! I almost forgot!”

No medical experience is required to be an Uber Ambulance driver, although most of the current drivers who are signed up failed out of nursing school at some point in their lives.

Uber plans to offer plenty of promotions to kick off the venture. If it’s your first broken bone using Uber Ambulance then you get $10 dollars credited to your account. If you refer a friend who needs to be taken to the ICU then your next ride will be free.

While the Uber Ambulances do not have the authority to turn on a siren and run red lights they do offer small talk from the driver about how long he has worked for Uber and what the gig is like.

At press time emergency room doctors were urging the public to not use Uber Ambulance and to instead rely on actual medical professionals.

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

Two Turtles React To Donald Sterling and Justin Bieber

5 Jun

 

two turtles

Harold and Brian are two neighbor turtles that commute to work every day. Their job is about 150 feet away, making it a 45-minute commute. This was their conversation Thursday morning:

“Hey Brian.”

“Hey Harold.”

“How have you been?”

“Pretty good. I’ve just been catching up on Game of Thrones. It’s really confusing. I have 16 siblings and 104 cousins, but that’s still about half as many characters as are on GOT.”

“My son, Franklin, watches that. It’s too violent for me. I don’t care if “Winter is coming.” I’ve saved up like two and a half berries. I’m ready.”

“Anyway, you hear about this Donald Sterling stuff?”

“Uhh…Yeah, it’s not exactly breaking news. People have been talking about that for weeks.”

“Yeah, well what can I say? Your son delivers the newspaper in my neighborhood. No offense, but he takes forever.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. We probably should make him get a different job. So what do you think of this Sterling guy?”

“He seems like a pretty big A-hole. I don’t understand why he gets so much attention for owning a team of crabs.”

“Crabs? What? He owns a basketball team.”

“Oh. Really? Then why are they called the Clippers?”

“Well..because…actually I have no idea.”

“Either way, he’s a huge racist. He doesn’t want his mistress photographed with black people? Why would that bother him? My wife can take pictures with whoever she wants. She could be taking pictures with a bunch of sea turtles right now and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little extreme to ban him from the NBA for life and make him sell his team? What happened to freedom of speech?”

“Well, he’s not getting thrown in jail. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want without personal consequence. If you tell your wife that her shell is looking tight then you won’t get thrown in jail, but you might have to find a new wife. Besides, the guy got two billion dollars. Do you have any idea how many berries you could buy with that kind of change? I don’t understand how human money works, but I’m thinking at least ten.”

“Oh shell yeah! I can only imagine. Dude’s probably swimming in berries. How about that mistress that recorded their conversation? She sounds like a real berry digger.”

“I don’t have a problem with her. She’s no hero, but I’m glad somebody exposed the old racist. He’s been discriminating for years, but only finally getting called out for it. There’s this one old tortoise that lives by me who always says the worst things to me about squirrels. I wish some good looking female would seduce him then expose his prejudice.”

“I bet that sexy little rabbit that comes around could do it. What’s her name? Lola? Not too bad on the eyes, am I right?”

“Keep it in your shell, Harold.”

“Speaking of racism, this Justin Bieber guy keeps doing the stupidest things. He’s like a snapping turtle, he just doesn’t know when to stop. That little baby man dropped the N-word and sang about being in the KKK.”

“I don’t think he’s racist like Donald Sterling. I think fame has just made him crazy. The kid has been totally shell-tered his entire life. He has no awareness.”

“Yeah, he always does something stupid then looks completely shell shocked when people get mad. He reminds me of that one guy, Yertle.”

“The turtle?”

“No, the other Yertle. Of course the turtle. Anyway, guy couldn’t handle the fame after that human doctor wrote a book about him. Totally lost it. I head he’s on that syrup now. Doesn’t know where he is half the time.”

“I’ve heard of syrup. What is it?”

“I don’t really know. I think humans put it on their pancakes.”

“Humans are weird.”

“I know. You wouldn’t catch me saying anything hurtful about any other type of turtle.”

I guess we’re here. What were you thinking about for lunch?”

“I was kind of craving a berry. You don’t happen to have any on you, do you?”

“Who do I look like, Donald Sterling?”

“LOL”

-Jonny Auping

For Two Turtles reacting to Miley Cyrus at the VMAs click here.

For Two Turtles reacting to the Duck Dynasty  controversy click here.

For Two Turtles reacting to Katy Perry’s Geisha performance click here.

Oh the Places You’ll Go….With Groupon

18 May

 

junk mail

“Of Standard Mail, I’m just not a fan, 

I just don’t like all of the spam.

Call it junk mail or call them coupons, 

They are clunky and annoying, unlike Groupons.

Yesterday I bought their Daily Deal,

and today I used them for each and every meal.

I didn’t enjoy the chicken parm, 

but at 42% off, what’s the harm?

segway

“Oh the places you’ll go, 

Oh the places you’ll see,

If you never say no

To a Groupon spree.

You’ll get a Segway Tour

Of the Petting Zoo

Or spend a few bucks fewer

For some bowling shoes.

You don’t have a pet,

But you know someone who does,

So buy that Memory Foam Pet Bed,

Just because.

You’re really not sure if you can take off of work,

But there’s a Groupon Getaway for three nights in New York.

While you’re there, why not reserve an “archery outing,”

Or buy a half-off manicure so your girlfriend stops pouting. 

A giant trampoline or another water slide,

It’s all so cheap, how dare you imply,

That it’s excessive or unnecessary.

That’s simply a lie. 

Horseback riding through a haunted house,

Or what about pole dancing lessons just for your spouse. 

You already have two iPads,

Whats’s one more?

Better buy a 70% off case,

Just to be sure.

pet foam

My bank account’s low and just getting lower, 

But the Groupon offers are not coming slower, 

A couple offers a day,

For random stuff,

What can I say?

I can’t get enough.

groupon iphone

I know it’s just a silly discount

And for my debt, they might jail me, 

But if I delete my account,

Then who will e-mail me?”

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

Anteaters and Racism

14 May

 

ant eater

 

Daniel told people that his anteater loved marshmallows. One time it ate four marshmallows in a two-minute span. He never told them that he dropped the marshmallows in ant piles so they were literally covered in ants. 

One thing his anteater didn’t like: Japanese people. 

He often sat the 20-pound creature down and told him that World War II was a different time and that people should be judged by their individual actions instead of the transgressions of their country over six decades ago, but the anteater was stuck in its ways.

“I can’t have you offending people I’m close to. My girlfriend is Filipino and that’s close enough.”

 Eventually Christina left him. She was actually Mexican. 

The anteater didn’t apologize. It’s an anteater. It can’t talk. 

-Jonny Auping

A New Pet, A New Blessing

7 May

As the Matthews drove home from the animal shelter Patrick sat in the backseat with Nibbles, the newest addition to the family.

“How’s Nibbles enjoying the ride back there? The way he’s chewing on that toy it looks like you’re going to have a pretty good excuse for losing your homework, am I right?” 

“Mark, I don’t think you should encourage him to not do his homework. That’s not why we got the dog. We got it so that we could ward off the squirrels that keep pulling the carrots out of my vegetable garden and stealing them.”

“I know that, Carla. I was just making a joke so that Patrick would be more excited about the dog. We need him to help take care of it so I wanted him to be enthusiastic about having it.”

“Yeah, but I’m just saying, Mrs. Rogers said that Patrick is falling really behind in school and with his learning disorder and all, I just don’t think we should be letting the new dog eat his homework.”

“Jesus Christ, Carla, I don’t literally want the dog to eat Patrick’s homework. I understand that it will only be eating carrots.”

“No Mark! He is supposed to protect the carrots from the squirrels. If he eats the carrots himself that defeats the entire purpose of getting a dog.”

“That’s what I meant. Damnit! I was just getting all worked up and accidentally said that the dog would eat the carrots. I know he has to protect them. God forbid we lose another carrot. I make $300,000 a year. I think we’ll survive the winter if a couple carrots go missing!”

Carla repeatedly rolled the passenger side window down an inch and then rolled it back up while humming a quiet tune through her gritted teeth. Mark then smelled the air and looked back and said, “Smells like our new friend might be having some gas issues,” then let out a forced chuckle, but Patrick knew the smell actually came from Mark. He always farts when he gets worked up about Carla. 

“Looks like a storm in the distance,” Mark commented with an air of confidence after a few moments of silence.

“How would you even know?” Carla didn’t even face Mark as she asked the question. She just continued to stare out the window.

“I don’t know,” Mark seethed. “There are just a lot of clouds. Can you maybe not question everything I say?”

“Whatever. Let’s just get home.”

Patrick quietly laughed to himself and turned to Nibbles. 

“That’s just Mark and Carla. You’ll get used to them,” he said before pulling a carrot out of his pocket and feeding it to the dog.

They pulled into the driveway and Carla remarked that she needed to buy some more seeds for her vegetable garden.

Mark turned to face Patrick. 

“Hey, Pat, would you mind driving your sister to the store so she can get her seeds?”

“Yeah, no problem, dad. I’m just going to grab a beer and watch the game. I’ll take her at halftime.”

-Jonny Auping

YOLO + FOMO = HOBO

6 May

yolo

 

Larry went to pick up his friend, Pete, on the way to the party they were planning to attend that night.

 

Hey, Pete, you still want to go to that party tonight?”

Fo Sho.”

“Ok, you mind if I use your bathroom real quick before we leave?”

No, no

(Toilet flushes) “Alright man, I think I’m ready-…..Dude! Did you just eat that entire can of Pringles while I was in the bathroom?”

YOLO

“I guess, but you won’t live long eating like that. How do you feel?”

So-so

“Yeah, I bet. You look like you’re going to throw up. We can just skip the party if you want.”

FOMO

“Alright, alright. Well, do you want me to just go to the party for the first thirty minutes and see if the it’s actually cool? That way you’ll know if it’s worth going.”

Go Pro

“Seriously? Fine, but you know I hate wearing that thing on my head. You shouldn’t need footage, you should just trust me….Do you know what the dress code for this thing is? Will this shirt do? I have a few others in my car.

Polo

“Ok, perfect. Do you want me to come back and get you if the party is cool or should I just text you and you can come on your own?”

Solo

“Sounds good. I’ll text you in about an hour.”

…..90 minutes later Larry returns after Pete failed to respond to any of his texts. When he found him on the ground Pete was staring at the words in his phone like they were in another language. It was a pathetic sight. From what Larry could gather it looked as though Pete had forgotten how to read. 

“Dude! I’ve been texting you all night to come to the party. It was the most amazing party I’ve ever been to. That girl you really like was asking about you. I had never heard of this, but apparently it’s actually illegal to have that much fun. The cops finally came and shut us down for excessive enjoyment.”

Po Po?”

“Yep….Pete, I have to tell you, things have really gone down hill with you. You can’t even read anymore. At first, YOLO and FOMO were kind of funny, but things have gotten out of control since you started using all these abbreviations and acronyms. Look at yourself. What have you become?

(Pete stares somberly at the ground) “HOBO

H.O.B.O. = Hopeless Or Basically Obsolete  

-Jonny Auping

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 156 other followers