Dawn of the Planet of the Anteaters

27 Jul

You may or may not have noticed that big action/adventure/disaster/suspense movies are not exactly original these days. We’ve got Godzilla, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Planet of the Apes, Transformers, a thousand different superhero movies and on and on. We’re also supposed to believe that Into the Storm isn’t the exact same thing as Twister. 

Are we really that void of creativity? Hollywood really can’t come up with something new that can entertain us in a cold theater for two hours? Luckily, I have come across what should clearly be the newest blockbuster movie. I was stumbling around on Yahoo’s front page when I saw the headline “Giant Anteater Kills Two.” Naturally, I clicked on the link, but I didn’t expect much, it’s a big, crazy world out there and every day people manage to die in some very odd, but ultimately unimpressive way. 

Boy, was I wrong. Apparently the anteater mauled the two people to death in Brazil, but it wasn’t the story that left me breathless. It was THIS PICTURE:

I’m assuming you’ve spent about three minutes trying to figure out what you are looking at.  How many animals is that? Well, technically it’s three animals. After reading the story and the description of the picture I was informed that it is a picture of the giant anteater with its two small baby anteaters riding on its back.

Oh, okay. That makes sense, except for, you know, ITS LEG IS A FUCKING PANDA HEAD!

Apparently that is a picture of an anteater walking forward and what “appears” to be a panda head is actually just its left leg. Yahoo makes no mention of the panda and will just have us believe it’s some sort of optical illusion. 

I’m not buying it. We have a genetically created, cross-species, super predator that is out there killing people. The two deaths were separate incidents meaning this thing has struck twice. Here’s the description of one incident:

“The anteater stood on its hind legs and grabbed the man with its forelimbs, causing deep puncture wounds in his thighs and upper arms. The hunter bled to death at the scene.”

It seems to leave out that one of those “forelimbs” is the head of a panda bear, which probably bit through him like a piece of bamboo. 

So authorities should probably figure out how to subdue this creature before there are any more victims. But that’s not my job, that’s the authorities job. My job is to pitch this to Hollywood so we can finally get a cool summer movie that doesn’t involve Mark Wahlberg pretending he cares about dinosaur robots fighting each other. 

Here we go…

So quick camera shot of beautiful Rio De Janeiro. Now keeping going past the beaches to a low-budget, but well-intentioned zoo where there is only so much space and certain animals are kept in the same environments together including, yep, you guessed it, anteaters and pandas. 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the American animal lover/panda specialist who warned the park that the two species shouldn’t be in the same proximity. He was worried about his favorite panda, Daisy. 

One day, Daisy and a giant anteater named Gregory both spot a bamboo stick, which just so happens to be covered in ants. They both want it and it turns into an epic battle. Apparently, when Brazil built the stadiums for the World Cup they had to relocate a bunch of toxic waste and they irresponsibly and inexplicably stored it at this particular zoo. Amidst the anteater/panda battle they knock over barrels of toxic waste which results in a large explosion. All animals are seemingly dead. BUT when the dust settles we see the anteater walking away with DAISY AS HIS FOOT. He escapes into the forrest/jungle.

Manny from Modern Family will play another zookeeper. He’ll be the comedic relief. There’s a strong chance he’ll die at some point in the film. 

As the anteater/panda continues to eat ants and bamboo it gets bigger and bigger and its two baby anteaters are also growing. Eventually it’s approximately the size of Godzilla. To a creature that big, humans begins to look like….ants. And skyscrapers look like bamboo sticks. 

Emma Watson will play the female American solider who is always underestimated by all the guys even though she’s the toughest solider in her squad. She is part of a plan that will destroy the creature. Eventually she crosses paths with JVG and he tells her “there’s got to be another way” and keeps saying “if I could just talk to Daisy,” which if you haven’t kept up is the left front leg of this giant anteater, which happens to be the head of a panda, which used to be JVG’s best friend. Watson is clearly falling for JVG. 

The final battle scene will be epic and some major city will basically be destroyed. 

If the studio demands that the animals can talk Jack Black can be on hold to voice as many animals as possible. 

Don Cheadle will play Watson’s ranking officer who knows she is the best solider out there, but “takes too many damn risks.”

Jeremy Piven will play the owner of the zoo who took too many shortcuts to cut costs and put everyone’s life in danger. 

———————————–

I think it’s fair to say I’ve laid out the groundwork for a Citizen Kane-esque film that will entertain the entire globe. It is now someone’s job to sign me up for Kickstarter. Someone else should put this pitch on KickStarter and hopefully we’ll have the money by September to get this thing rolling. 

-Jonny Auping

The Emoji Guide to the World Cup

25 Jun

world cup

Americans, myself included, have done a great job of pretending to care about the World Cup this year. I know I’ve done a pretty admirable job of rephrasing the dozen or so things I know about soccer for the past few weeks. America is like the popular kid who was about to make fun of some other kids for liking Pokemon before realizing that every other kid likes Pokemon so he better pretend he’s always liked Pokemon too. Soccer is Pokemon in this analogy. Try to keep up.

“Jozy Altidore is hurt? Are you kidding me? He’s been one of our best players since I heard his name for the first time last week.”

Don’t challenge America to a blind patriotism/drinking contest because we will accept that challenge any day of the week. Not only will we pack bars and chant “U-S-A” constantly, but we will also send Snap Chats of the bar’s reaction after each U.S. goal. Brazil, Mexico and Chile can live in the moment, we’d rather live in 10 seconds glimpses of our friends’ lives forty minutes later.

But how can FIFA and ESPN really get the American people to truly embrace World Cup Soccer?

Emojis.

Emojis saved Americans from having to learn how to read and write, I’m pretty sure they can help us through the World Cup. You may not know the origins of Emojis. At one point a couple years ago America confronted Japan and we were like, “Hey, we are America and we are just as good at building things as you are! You better watch out!” and Japan was like, “here, play with these,” and we were like “AWESOME!”

I honestly spent about an hour trying to think of an article that involved every country in the World Cup being represented by a different Emoji, but I just couldn’t imagine a scenario in which it didn’t end up being super racist. Instead, I’m offering a way to incorporate emojis into the soccer watching process to keep Americans interested rather than just staring blankly, waiting for a goal.

A giant emoji will appear on the screen in certain situations to help explain what is happening. Here are a few examples.

Praying Hands Emoji

 

praying hands

America is an underdog and currently trailing in the game. The hands symbolize prayer, which symbolizes eventual victory, which symbolizes God’s preference of our country over other countries.

Mustache Man Emoji

mustache

 

A foreign team is taking the field. We are suspicious of men with mustaches. As Americans, we are also suspicious of foreigners.

Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji

monkey eyes

There is about to be a penalty kick or otherwise high intensity event in a crucial moment of the game. When you see the Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji it’s a good time to take a dramatic sip of beer and turn your face to your friend while keeping your eyes on the screen and say, “This is huge.”

Monkey Covering Ears Emoji

monkey ears

 

An announcer, probably with some stupid accent of a country not as cool as ours, is saying something negative about Team USA. While you don’t understand the intricacies of soccer enough to know whether or not the statement is true, it’s a good time to turn to your friend and say “that’s bullshit.”

Poop Emoji

poop emoji

The referee made a call against Team USA. Naturally, he is a pile of poop with eyeballs and a mouth.

Strong Arm Emoji

strong arm emoji

A simple reminder that even if other countries are more coordinated than us we are still stronger and could crush them if need be.

Party Popper Emoji

party popper

 

The U.S. scored a goal! Start yelling and jumping and inadvertently spilling beer on the American flag that you brought to the bar and have already let hit the ground like ten times.

Girl in Red Dress Emoji

red dress

 

This doesn’t mean anything, she’s just going to check in on you periodically so you don’t lose focus.

OK Emoji

ok

 

Something good happened other than a goal. You don’t actually understand what happened or why it was good, but you should turn to your friend and say “that was nice.”

‘I’m Here To Help You’ Lady Emoji

help lady

 

It’s halftime. People will now come on the screen to explain what happened in the first half. You don’t have to listen, though. You can use this time to order another beer and talk about real football and how you can’t believe all the other countries stole its name and used it for their sport.

‘No Way’ Lady Emoji

x arms

There was a yellow card or red card on the other team. Get ready for the replay because you are supposed to say “Oh c’mon! You can’t do that!”

Beer Emoji

beer

 

The US won! Order a beer. Drink it and explain why your country is better than every other country because of soccer.

Two Beers Emoji

two beers

 

The US lost! Order two beers. Drink them and explain why your country is better than every other country because soccer is stupid.

Smirking Emoji

smirking emoji

The World Cup games are over for the day. You barely know anything about soccer, but no one noticed. You fooled the entire bar. You sly, American, you.

-Jonny Auping

 

Uber Ambulances: Bleed Out in Luxury

15 Jun

uber

Over the past five years the tech company Uber has made huge splashes all over the country. The trendy app/website, which allows you to order a ride through a mobile app and track the car’s progress as it approaches,  has completely revolutionized the world of transportation and the company is now valued at over 18 billion dollars.

Their enormous success has not come without its share of opposition, however. Taxi and transportation commissions have strongly opposed Uber’s business tactics and accused them of operating as “unlicensed taxis.” Their shifting prices and fares are harder to regulate than most taxi cabs as Uber is its own separate business. There are still large cities around the country that have yet to allow Uber to operate legally within the city.

The people at Uber are clearly unafraid of opposition considering their newest venture is likely to upset people far beyond the Yellow Cab industry. This upcoming Fall, the company plans to launch Uber Ambulances, an efficient upscale medical service that will take you to the hospital through the Uber Ambulance app.

The process is simple. A customer suffers a serious injury and rather than calling 911 and waiting for an ambulance, which can be very expensive, they simply plug in their location to the Uber Ambulance. Within minutes they will receive a text telling them the name of their driver with a tracking device showing them how close the driver is to picking them up.

“It’s going to change the medical field forever,” claims company president John Uber. “When you get shot in the face do you really want to deal with a 911 operator? I mean who even talks on the phone anymore, anyway? Plus, paying for an ambulance is tricky, I think you have to use ObamaCare or something. With Uber Ambulances you can just pay upfront with your Uber account.”

So far test cases have shown mixed results.

Mike Leonard was hit by a bus and used Uber Ambulance to get to the hospital.

“I mean, I’m still alive, so I guess it worked. I typed in my location and my injury and within minutes it told me that ‘Phillip’ was on his way in a gray Range Rover. Then I got another text asking how bad I was bleeding and whether Phillip should put down sheets in his back seat to protect his leather seats. It also asked if I wanted to tag any friends in my ambulance experience. Most of my fingers were broken so I declined.”

Like the Uber taxi experience, one of the biggest factors that separates the Uber Ambulance is all the amenities that come with the ride. Creative leader John Goober elaborated on the experience.

“We can pretty much guarantee it will be more fun than any ambulance ride you’ve ever had. Each ambulance has a mini-fridge that carries Fiji water and Greek yogurt. While you wait for your ambulance’s arrival you can also create your own Spotify playlist to listen to on your way to the hospital. We’re even thinking about putting a First Aid kit under the driver’s seat with band-aids and stuff. Oh, and the Beats by Dre headphones! I almost forgot!”

No medical experience is required to be an Uber Ambulance driver, although most of the current drivers who are signed up failed out of nursing school at some point in their lives.

Uber plans to offer plenty of promotions to kick off the venture. If it’s your first broken bone using Uber Ambulance then you get $10 dollars credited to your account. If you refer a friend who needs to be taken to the ICU then your next ride will be free.

While the Uber Ambulances do not have the authority to turn on a siren and run red lights they do offer small talk from the driver about how long he has worked for Uber and what the gig is like.

At press time emergency room doctors were urging the public to not use Uber Ambulance and to instead rely on actual medical professionals.

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

Two Turtles React To Donald Sterling and Justin Bieber

5 Jun

 

two turtles

Harold and Brian are two neighbor turtles that commute to work every day. Their job is about 150 feet away, making it a 45-minute commute. This was their conversation Thursday morning:

“Hey Brian.”

“Hey Harold.”

“How have you been?”

“Pretty good. I’ve just been catching up on Game of Thrones. It’s really confusing. I have 16 siblings and 104 cousins, but that’s still about half as many characters as are on GOT.”

“My son, Franklin, watches that. It’s too violent for me. I don’t care if “Winter is coming.” I’ve saved up like two and a half berries. I’m ready.”

“Anyway, you hear about this Donald Sterling stuff?”

“Uhh…Yeah, it’s not exactly breaking news. People have been talking about that for weeks.”

“Yeah, well what can I say? Your son delivers the newspaper in my neighborhood. No offense, but he takes forever.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. We probably should make him get a different job. So what do you think of this Sterling guy?”

“He seems like a pretty big A-hole. I don’t understand why he gets so much attention for owning a team of crabs.”

“Crabs? What? He owns a basketball team.”

“Oh. Really? Then why are they called the Clippers?”

“Well..because…actually I have no idea.”

“Either way, he’s a huge racist. He doesn’t want his mistress photographed with black people? Why would that bother him? My wife can take pictures with whoever she wants. She could be taking pictures with a bunch of sea turtles right now and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little extreme to ban him from the NBA for life and make him sell his team? What happened to freedom of speech?”

“Well, he’s not getting thrown in jail. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want without personal consequence. If you tell your wife that her shell is looking tight then you won’t get thrown in jail, but you might have to find a new wife. Besides, the guy got two billion dollars. Do you have any idea how many berries you could buy with that kind of change? I don’t understand how human money works, but I’m thinking at least ten.”

“Oh shell yeah! I can only imagine. Dude’s probably swimming in berries. How about that mistress that recorded their conversation? She sounds like a real berry digger.”

“I don’t have a problem with her. She’s no hero, but I’m glad somebody exposed the old racist. He’s been discriminating for years, but only finally getting called out for it. There’s this one old tortoise that lives by me who always says the worst things to me about squirrels. I wish some good looking female would seduce him then expose his prejudice.”

“I bet that sexy little rabbit that comes around could do it. What’s her name? Lola? Not too bad on the eyes, am I right?”

“Keep it in your shell, Harold.”

“Speaking of racism, this Justin Bieber guy keeps doing the stupidest things. He’s like a snapping turtle, he just doesn’t know when to stop. That little baby man dropped the N-word and sang about being in the KKK.”

“I don’t think he’s racist like Donald Sterling. I think fame has just made him crazy. The kid has been totally shell-tered his entire life. He has no awareness.”

“Yeah, he always does something stupid then looks completely shell shocked when people get mad. He reminds me of that one guy, Yertle.”

“The turtle?”

“No, the other Yertle. Of course the turtle. Anyway, guy couldn’t handle the fame after that human doctor wrote a book about him. Totally lost it. I head he’s on that syrup now. Doesn’t know where he is half the time.”

“I’ve heard of syrup. What is it?”

“I don’t really know. I think humans put it on their pancakes.”

“Humans are weird.”

“I know. You wouldn’t catch me saying anything hurtful about any other type of turtle.”

I guess we’re here. What were you thinking about for lunch?”

“I was kind of craving a berry. You don’t happen to have any on you, do you?”

“Who do I look like, Donald Sterling?”

“LOL”

-Jonny Auping

For Two Turtles reacting to Miley Cyrus at the VMAs click here.

For Two Turtles reacting to the Duck Dynasty  controversy click here.

For Two Turtles reacting to Katy Perry’s Geisha performance click here.

Oh the Places You’ll Go….With Groupon

18 May

 

junk mail

“Of Standard Mail, I’m just not a fan, 

I just don’t like all of the spam.

Call it junk mail or call them coupons, 

They are clunky and annoying, unlike Groupons.

Yesterday I bought their Daily Deal,

and today I used them for each and every meal.

I didn’t enjoy the chicken parm, 

but at 42% off, what’s the harm?

segway

“Oh the places you’ll go, 

Oh the places you’ll see,

If you never say no

To a Groupon spree.

You’ll get a Segway Tour

Of the Petting Zoo

Or spend a few bucks fewer

For some bowling shoes.

You don’t have a pet,

But you know someone who does,

So buy that Memory Foam Pet Bed,

Just because.

You’re really not sure if you can take off of work,

But there’s a Groupon Getaway for three nights in New York.

While you’re there, why not reserve an “archery outing,”

Or buy a half-off manicure so your girlfriend stops pouting. 

A giant trampoline or another water slide,

It’s all so cheap, how dare you imply,

That it’s excessive or unnecessary.

That’s simply a lie. 

Horseback riding through a haunted house,

Or what about pole dancing lessons just for your spouse. 

You already have two iPads,

Whats’s one more?

Better buy a 70% off case,

Just to be sure.

pet foam

My bank account’s low and just getting lower, 

But the Groupon offers are not coming slower, 

A couple offers a day,

For random stuff,

What can I say?

I can’t get enough.

groupon iphone

I know it’s just a silly discount

And for my debt, they might jail me, 

But if I delete my account,

Then who will e-mail me?”

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

Anteaters and Racism

14 May

 

ant eater

 

Daniel told people that his anteater loved marshmallows. One time it ate four marshmallows in a two-minute span. He never told them that he dropped the marshmallows in ant piles so they were literally covered in ants. 

One thing his anteater didn’t like: Japanese people. 

He often sat the 20-pound creature down and told him that World War II was a different time and that people should be judged by their individual actions instead of the transgressions of their country over six decades ago, but the anteater was stuck in its ways.

“I can’t have you offending people I’m close to. My girlfriend is Filipino and that’s close enough.”

 Eventually Christina left him. She was actually Mexican. 

The anteater didn’t apologize. It’s an anteater. It can’t talk. 

-Jonny Auping

A New Pet, A New Blessing

7 May

As the Matthews drove home from the animal shelter Patrick sat in the backseat with Nibbles, the newest addition to the family.

“How’s Nibbles enjoying the ride back there? The way he’s chewing on that toy it looks like you’re going to have a pretty good excuse for losing your homework, am I right?” 

“Mark, I don’t think you should encourage him to not do his homework. That’s not why we got the dog. We got it so that we could ward off the squirrels that keep pulling the carrots out of my vegetable garden and stealing them.”

“I know that, Carla. I was just making a joke so that Patrick would be more excited about the dog. We need him to help take care of it so I wanted him to be enthusiastic about having it.”

“Yeah, but I’m just saying, Mrs. Rogers said that Patrick is falling really behind in school and with his learning disorder and all, I just don’t think we should be letting the new dog eat his homework.”

“Jesus Christ, Carla, I don’t literally want the dog to eat Patrick’s homework. I understand that it will only be eating carrots.”

“No Mark! He is supposed to protect the carrots from the squirrels. If he eats the carrots himself that defeats the entire purpose of getting a dog.”

“That’s what I meant. Damnit! I was just getting all worked up and accidentally said that the dog would eat the carrots. I know he has to protect them. God forbid we lose another carrot. I make $300,000 a year. I think we’ll survive the winter if a couple carrots go missing!”

Carla repeatedly rolled the passenger side window down an inch and then rolled it back up while humming a quiet tune through her gritted teeth. Mark then smelled the air and looked back and said, “Smells like our new friend might be having some gas issues,” then let out a forced chuckle, but Patrick knew the smell actually came from Mark. He always farts when he gets worked up about Carla. 

“Looks like a storm in the distance,” Mark commented with an air of confidence after a few moments of silence.

“How would you even know?” Carla didn’t even face Mark as she asked the question. She just continued to stare out the window.

“I don’t know,” Mark seethed. “There are just a lot of clouds. Can you maybe not question everything I say?”

“Whatever. Let’s just get home.”

Patrick quietly laughed to himself and turned to Nibbles. 

“That’s just Mark and Carla. You’ll get used to them,” he said before pulling a carrot out of his pocket and feeding it to the dog.

They pulled into the driveway and Carla remarked that she needed to buy some more seeds for her vegetable garden.

Mark turned to face Patrick. 

“Hey, Pat, would you mind driving your sister to the store so she can get her seeds?”

“Yeah, no problem, dad. I’m just going to grab a beer and watch the game. I’ll take her at halftime.”

-Jonny Auping

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