Yahoo! Trending: A Regular Barbie Is Probably A Better Mother Than A ‘Human Barbie’

'Human Barbie' Gives 7-Year-Old Daughter Liposuction Voucher (ABC News)

Editor’s Note: Yahoo Trending is our way of discussing current events. We peruse Yahoo! and pick a “trending topic” to write about. It’s more fun that way, and hopefully we write about a subject that got lost in the hurricane of “Honey Boo-Boo” headlines.

I decided it was about time for another edition of Yahoo! trending. So I went to Yahoo.com to see what kind of fascinating news our wonderful world has been most interested in lately. And #4 caught my eye: “human barbie.”

So I clicked on the link and I was provided with an overwhelming amount of articles about someone I had previously never heard of. So I had to do a little reading. And boy was I surprised to find out that that the term “Human Barbie” is not quite specific enough to describe someone these days.

There are actually two people that are famous for being known as the “Human Barbie.” One of them looks completely terrifying. The other one looks pretty terrifying, but is also a terrifyingly bad parent.

The article that I clicked on discussed the terrible parent/Barbie named Sarah Burge.

But before I get into her story, I’ll give you a quick glimpse of the other “Human Barbie.” Her name is Valeria Lukyanova. She is a Ukrainian model who does not look like a real person. She looks like a doll.

I will share with you a youtube video of this woman showing what she looks like. Let me first warn you that you might not want to watch this video. In fact, you definitely don’t want to watch this video.

So yeah. Basically, she looks like a Barbie-knockoff that you take back to the store because it scares the shit out of your child. Also, was I the only person that thought that the video was about 39% scarier because there was no sound? I kept messing with my computer thinking that the Lukyanova was somehow controlling it.

The porcelain doll impersonator is also on record criticizing those who claim the images are made from computers, saying, “This is how they justify not wanting to strive for self-improvement.” She also claims to be a professional mountain climber.

So yeah, I guess stuff like this is going on in Ukraine.

I probably should have chosen to write more about Lukynova, but I grew an irrational fear that one day if I have a daughter and I kept looking at these photos, my daughter’s Barbie dolls would kill me in my sleep.

So that’s what brings us to Sarah Burge. She is 51-year old proponent of cosmetic surgery hailing from the UK. She has reportedly spent over $1 million on cosmetic surgery for herself and, therefore, has labeled herself the “Human Barbie.”

The article I clicked on was actually from  from last January and was about her decision to give her seven-year old daughter a ‘liposuction voucher’ for Christmas. I know it’s old news, but I still think it’s worth addressing.

Here is that article:

http://news.yahoo.com/human-barbie-gives-7-old-daughter-liposuction-voucher-160952453–abc-news.html

The “stocking-stuffer” is matched only by the ‘breast augmentation’ coupon that she gave little “Poppy” for her birthday.

There’s a lot to fathom here, but right now I’m having trouble figuring out which of these things stands out the most as making her such a terrible mother. It’s close, but I think I’m going to have to go with the fact that she named her daughter Poppy. So her name is Poppy Burge? Yikes. Sounds like something that you would glue bird food to in order to attract blue jays.

Burge claimed, “I see these vouchers as investing in her future, like saving money for education.” Right, education. Or therapy. Both solid investments for things that her daughter will need in coming years.

I know what you’re thinking, a person can’t have cosmetic surgery at that young of an age. Don’t worry, Burge was clear that the vouchers were for the future and can be used when she turns 16 and it’s legal to have breast augmentation.

She even said, “If she develops naturally big boobs then she can have something else done with it.”

Good, I was worried about what a waste that gift would be if she went on to develop naturally big boobs.Or if she develops a moral conscience. But luckily, if she doesn’t develop either of those things, she’s got that handy voucher.

So how does Barge have all this money to spend? Glad you asked. The ABC News article informs us that Barge “works as an event planner for plastic surgery and swinging parties, and dabbles as a scribe of erotic novels.”

I tend to exaggerate, but I think that stands out as a pretty awesome sentence that should not soon be forgotten. I love how the first part is slightly confusing. Does “works as an event planner for plastic surgery and swinging parties” mean that she plans events for plastic surgery and plans swinging parties or that she is planning swinging parties and plastic surgery parties? Are plastic surgery parties a real thing? Are swinging parties what I think they are?

And then there’s “…dabbles as a scribe of erotic novels.” That is worded beautifully. Here at Stories for Sunday, Clark and I are well-known admirers of the wonderfully crafted sentence, “Life with the often-drunk Lobster Boy was anything but fun and games.” But I’m strongly considering petitioning the new site credo to be “dabbling as scribes of erotic novels.”

Obviously, ABC News went to Poppy for the six-year old’s take on the matter. “I can’t wait to be like Mummy with big boobs,” Poppy said. “They’re pretty.”

There you have it folks. Poor, poor Poppy. All boobs are pretty, Poppy, all boobs.

Of course, Burge fired back at all the critics.

“There shouldn’t be a stigma around wanting to look good.”

I’m not sure there is a stigma around wanting to look good. They’re might be one around telling a six-year old that she is not naturally beautiful and will eventually need a person with a knife to make her look good. There might be one against spending $1 million on your own personal appearance funded by your strange plastic surgery parties and erotic novel dabbling. And there might be one on encouraging people to look like a Barbie doll so that some Ukrainian chick can take it too far and turn into a super-creepy Youtube sensation.

But then again, I’m not an expert on stigmas.

-Jonathan Auping

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