Winners and Losers of 2012

Guys, the movie Blade Runner took place in 2019. We’re so close.

Anyway, 2012 has wrapped up and we are about to enter 2013 (or as I like to call it “Six more years until Blade Runner comes true”). So I decided to share who I thought were some of the winners and losers of 2012. Here are five of each.


WINNERS:

Honey Boo Boo:

HBB straight ran 2012. Check out the girl’s resume (and she didn’t even really get started until August):

-Had a hit reality show about her life called Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that had two million viewers every episode and was renewed for a second season.

-Totally destroyed any chance TLC ever had at living up to its title as “The Learning Channel.”

-Helped swing the presidential election.

-Replaced everyone on The Jersey Shore as “person to watch to make you feel smarter/more sophisticated/better about yourself.

This.

2 Chainz:

I’m really pretty sure 2 Chainz started as a joke. He’s not very talented. But I think his slow, southern drawl and ridiculously simple and nonsensical lyrics were kind of a funny, lighten-the-mood sort of thing to have around the rap community.

So he made some pretty high profile friends. All of a sudden he’s got a hit song with Kanye West. Then a hit song with Drake. Hit song with Lil Wayne. Another hit song with Kanye.

Now people take him seriously. The guy’s debut album was nominated for a Grammy! It’s sold almost 500,000 copies.

Not to mention that his great 2012 set up for this amazing 2 Chainz hologram tour to blow up in 2013, which as an unbiased observer, is a terrific idea.

Lebron James:

Remember how crappy 2011 was for Lebron James? Just about everyone in the country hated him and he choked away the 2011 NBA title to the Dallas Mavericks.

2012 was pretty much the exact opposite. He won his third MVP. He completely dominated the NBA playoffs and the NBA Finals winning his first NBA title and another Olympic Gold Medal. And he is the best player in the NBA by far. Second place is not even close and that’s just reality.

He was also named Sports Illustrated‘s “Sportsman of the Year,” which is a pretty big accomplishment for someone who was universally hated a year earlier. That award is usually handed out exclusively to clean-cut, non-controversial athletes who rich white people are comfortable reading about. Past recipients include Tom Brady, Mike Krzyzewski, Tim Duncan, Lance Armstrong (before all that stuff) and Tiger Woods (before all that other stuff).

Also Lebron had the opportunity to meet me in December, which I imagine has been a life-long dream of his.

Aubury Plaza:

Aubury Plaza has had a great year. Parks and Recreation is the best show on TV. Not just the best comedy, it’s the best show on television. And her character, April Ludgate, might be the funniest piece on the show. She also showed that she can carry a movie in Safety Not Guaranteed, which might have been the most underrated film of the year.

But the real reason Plaza was a winner in 2012 is because I have an enormous crush on her, which is a pretty big victory in itself. Am I right, ladies?…Totally. 

Plaza basically has the same sense of humor as me, except while she’s gorgeous and has great comedic timing, I’m awkward and people rarely know whether or not I’m joking.

So Aubrey, if you’re possibly looking for a struggling writer who can’t afford his own place and inexplicably apologizes every time he trips over something, then I just might be your guy.

AMC:

Remember when all AMC was good for was watching about 45 minutes of The Godfather with your dad before realizing commercials would make the movie last about eight hours?

Well, now “The American Movie Channel” has the best dramas on TV. Mad Men helps you feel classy and important when you watch it. Breaking Bad helps remind you that your life is not nearly as stressful as a meth-dealer whose cancer is in remission and, therefore, your life isn’t that stressful. And Walking Dead allows us to mindlessly watch zombies get shot in the face, distracting us from our daily troubles.

God bless you, AMC.

LOSERS:

Tim Tebow:

Ironically, the biggest moment of Tebow’s NFL career took place in 2012. On January 8th, he led the Denver Broncos to an unexpected playoff win over the Pittsburgh Steelers in overtime.

It was pretty much all down hill from there. Literally everyone in Colorado loved Tim Tebow at the start of 2012. Unless you could replace him with, like, maybe, the greatest quarterback of this generation, then you would have a riot on your hands.

So the Broncos replaced him with the greatest quarterback of his generation. And they shipped Tebow to the New York Jets where he spent the entire season backing up Mark Sanchez, one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL. They put him on the punting team. Quite the downgrade.

ESPN also chose to monitor his situation with ridiculous scrutiny all year despite the fact that he was completely irrelevant, which naturally annoyed the hell out of the entire country. Now, even when Tebow says the nicest thing in the world (which is pretty much everything Tebow ever says) it’s pretty hard not to think, “Oh my God, dude, shut the hell up. I don’t care.”

The Mayans:

The Mayans talked a whole lot of shit before their civilization completely collapsed.

Hockey:

Not knowing what channel NHL games are on actually doesn’t affect me this year.

The NHL actually had a great first half to 2012. The NHL playoffs were really some of the most exciting games in years (according to the highlights I saw on SportsCenter) and the underdog Los Angeles Kings winning the Stanley Cup was a feel-good moment in sports.

But I still contend that hockey has had a horrible year. If you meet someone you really seem to like, propose and have a really great wedding where everyone has a great time, but then you realize you hate that person and go through a viscous divorce then you’re probably going to say it was a pretty crappy year.

The NHL is currently locked out and the negotiations that took place in the second half of 2012 basically assured fans that the league will eventually shrivel up and die due to greedy owners who don’t care about their small but passionate fan base.

Chris Brown:

Seriously, dude?

College Degrees:

I graduated from college in 2012 and I really am worried about the value of a college degree.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the value of a college education. I learned a ton about literature, history, culture and society in my classes and I also developed the discipline to write when I really don’t want to write.

I’m talking about the degree itself. You know, that thing that’s supposed to help us get jobs. To be fair, I should admit that I’ve had some pretty amazing opportunities right out of college (except for the whole money thing), but I kind of feel like I made those opportunities happen without a lot of help from that diploma thing.

I feel like anyone remotely close to my age with a decent job as thought at least a couple of times “Wow, I definitely could have just lied about going to college and they still would have hired me. They really didn’t need much proof. I could be doing this without a college degree.”

And if you’re one of the many unemployed college graduates you’re definitely thinking “Wow, I could be doing this without a college degree.”

——

That’s it. Happy New Year.

And remember, we only have six years to prepare for these robots. Harrison Ford is getting pretty old and he might not be able to bail us out when we need him.

-Jonathan Auping.

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