Destiny’s Child and Timberlake Are Back!

Thursday, January 10th was no ordinary day.

It was supposed to be my first experience as a juror for our great judicial system. I was 100 percent ready to reenact the various gasps and startled looks that I had seen from the extras used in random episodes of Law & Order: SVU.

Instead I got an email informing me “Please be advised that your jury service for Thursday January 10, 2013 has been completed.  We have completed all of the online panel assignments.  Therefore, your appearance is not necessary and your jury service is complete for the 2012/2013 jury list.

Wow, I love this country.

So since my day was supposed to be taken up performing my civic duty, I used that as an excuse to spend all day on the internet looking at funny pictures and reading “online news.” It was nice to actually have an excuse for once.

But boy was this some day for the internet. In a matter of hours we were informed that two of the biggest pop sensations of the past decade are returning.

First, let’s start with Justin Timberlake. The former boy band member-turned solo singer-turned actor released a Youtube video vaguely hinting at his return. Let’s take a look….

So I think that made sense? Right? Let’s break it down.

0:00-0:08 (black screen): “Someone asked me the other day ‘so are you just, are you just done with music?'”

Where’s Justin? I hear his voice, but I don’t see him. Who asked you that? Why is it so dark?!?!

0:09-0:12: (Finally see Justin walking around random hallways in a fedora): “Music means more to me than anyone in the world.”

Wait, so it means more to you than it does to anyone in the world or it means more to you than anyone means to you in the world? Both are pretty strong statements. Or are you talking specifically about your music?

0:13-0:23: “I’ve only done two albums in ten years. That’s the way I look at it. What’s the next decade mean to me?”

Well, yeah, you probably look at it that way because it’s true. Your wikipedia page just lists two albums. It’s starting to feel like this is just you talking to yourself. How could we possibly know what the next decade means to you?

0:24-0:40: I’m the one who sits and is obsessive about it before you even get to hear it. As close as I get to it I don’t know that I could physically torture myself year in and year out…and…expect it to fulfill me…the way that it does and the way that it is right now.

First of all that last part of that sentiment made absolutely no sense, but I’m assuming you had some semblance of an actual thought there at some point. Also, I think you mean that you mentally torture yourself. If you are physically torturing yourself to make music I think you are doing it wrong. 

0:41-0:52: “I don’t want to put anything out there that is something that I feel like I don’t love. You just don’t get that every day. You have to wait for it.”

I’m not sure I totally agree. I’m probably a little over halfway done with this article and I’m not 100 percent convinced I love it. But I’m probably going to put it out there anyway. 

0;52-1:00: (Now in a studio, fedora off, headphones on): “I’m ready.”

I’m ready too JT. I heard Timbaland is producing this next album and Jay-Z might be on it! I think dude is ready to take back his title as the most famous Justin in the world. Watch out Bieber. You too, Justin Long, stay out of his way. Don’t even think about filming “Accepted 2” in 2013. Timberlake is Ready. 

—————–

Arguably just as big of news as Timberlake coming back is Beyonce announcing that Destiny’s Child will be making their “first original music in eight years.” For now they only intend to release one song. For now.

I have a number of follow-up questions for Beyonce:

  • How much will Blue Ivy Carter be featured in the song’s music video?
  • If the song is as catchy as “Say My Name” will music ringtones make a comeback? If so, can you title the song in a way so that it is alphabetically categorized in a similar place to a really manly song like “Born In the USA” so that I can tell people I clicked on the wrong song?
  • How much does Blue Ivy Carter’s babysitter get paid? More than I make? I assume so. I would be willing to do the job for 75 percent of what he/she makes. I’m really good with kids.
  • Does the non-Beyonce, non-Kelly Rowland member of the group really have to be featured prominently in the song? We’re past the point of trying to avoid hurting her feelings, right?
  • Is BIC still teething? I’m not totally sure how to handle that. I heard that a little bit of scotch on the pacifier really soothes the pain, but I’m not sure what kind of parents you are. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.
  • You guys sang “Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls” right? No, alright never mind.
  • Do you think that you could possibly lie to Kanye and Kim and tell them that I’m actually a bad babysitter so they don’t ask for my services down the road? I have a feeling that kid is going to be one difficult child and I’m not about to put up with those tantrums.

And that’s what I learned in jury duty….

-Jonny Auping

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