M.I.L.F.S.: Moms I Liked in Films & Series

In a sense, we were all raised by the same parents: Hollywood.

For over 50 years television and movies have always been society’s major sources for reenforcing the classical image of the nuclear family. Just about every type of happy family is depicted somewhere in Hollywood. Happiness and family bonding have always had great commercial success in the entertainment world.

But so has something else: sex.

That’s why 95% of Hollywood moms are extremely attractive. And teenage boys couldn’t be more grateful. Wouldn’t you know it, I used to be a teenage boy. So I consider myself an expert on the subject. But it takes more than just looks to pull off the mom role. So I’m going to provide you with a definitive list of the top 10 best  mothers in Hollywood history.

Gentlemen, you’re welcome.

Ladies, please understand that what we really find attractive about them is their strong nature, the feminine voice they add to the screen and the fact that they are always there for their family. And other stuff too.

10.) Lori Loughlin AKA Becky From Full House

Full House featured three grown men, three female children and an amazing golden retriever named Comet. But it was Loughlin who was the only actress left to play the mother figure on the show, not only to the two twins she eventually had but also to Michelle, DJ and the other one.

Becky was the wife of Uncle Jesse. And what a couple they were. She was beautiful. The way her hair was always perfect even after chasing those little twins around. The way her calming voice always seemed to fix any situation. The fact that he was in a band and he was always wearing cool leather jackets. Yep, that Uncle Jesse was one good looking dude. Wait, what? I mean Becky. Yeah, Becky’s hot. Uhh, here’s a clip from Full House

9.) Marisa Tomei AKA the mom from Cyrus, The Lincoln Lawyer, Parental Guidance  and probably a lot of other movies. 

Marisa Tomei is 48 years old and she has been milking the “extremely hot older chick” role for the last couple years. In Cyrus she plays Jonah Hill’s mom. Jonah Hill is six years older than me.

She won an Academy Award for My Cousin Vinny when I was just three years old. And yet I love her. 

She’s more than twice my age, but I still look at her the same way George Castanza did back in 1996.

8 & 7.) The Moms in Modern Family 

I think it’s pretty safe to say Sofia Vergara is an extremely attractive woman. It’s not exactly debatable. Not to mention that her willingness to allow her character to be just slightly less attractive by being comically loud and stubborn makes her very funny on the show as well.

But often overlooked on Modern Family is the character of Clair Dunphy played by Julie Bowen. She plays the more traditional mother in the show and she nails the role. She’s just your typical wife and mother of three with a gay brother, Columbian step mother who is younger than her and an adopted asian niece.

*Side note: I didn’t notice until season three that Bowen was also the main female character in Happy Gilmore. This is further proof that because of unappealing hair styles and fashion trends in the eighties and nineties, female celebrities are more attractive now than they were 15 years ago, even with age. The picture on the left was taken 17 years before the picture on the right.

**Extra Side Note: Modern Family is hilarious. You should be watching it. If you’re not you’re missing out. It is right behind Parks and Recreation as the funniest show on television.

6.) January Jones AKA Betty Draper from Mad Men

This is probably the most vain addition to the list because I don’t really like her character all that much and I don’t think she’s a particularly good actress. I guess if her role is to be incredibly off putting then she does a really good job.

In fact, if you played a drinking game where you took a shot every time Betty Draper smoked a cigarette or Don Draper said in a worn down and frustrated voice, “Betz….” followed by a lecture-like statement that contradicts her behavior (“Betz, they’re just kids, let them play” “Betz, you know when the job calls I have to go” etc.) then you would probably be pretty hammered about 20 minutes into any episode.

But she does look like a model. Probably because Jones really is a model aside from being an actress. She could eye-roll, make annoying sounds of indifference and nag at me through cigarette smoke any day. On second thought, all of those things are unbearably annoying so I probably couldn’t handle that.

5.) Didi Pickles from Rugrats

Oh you thought this article was sexist? Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Didi was awesome. She had the coolest hair ever (along with Marge Simpson). She was also a super-cool mom. She gave those babies so much freedom to do whatever they want. That’s the kind of hands-off parent I aspire to one day be. As long as you have one of those diamond-shaped playpen things, what can go wrong?

And looking back, it definitely seemed like her husband, Stu, might have had a drinking problem. That dude looked like he had some serious demons. That makes it all the more impressive the way she held the family together and looked over all those babies. I’m a little suspicious of the fact that Chuckie looks a lot more like her than he looks like his supposed mom, but that’s neither here nor there.

4.) Beverly D’Angelo AKA Ellen Griswold from Vacation and Christmas Vacation 

D’Angelo was good looking, yes, but she makes this list because she set up Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) perfectly for almost every joke in the “Vacation” series. Chase was like a guy competing in a home run derby. Someone needed to serve as his pitcher. If those balls are thrown to slow or too fast then he won’t hit many homers. But she threw them at the perfect speed right down the middle. And I for one am forever grateful. Here’s an example, simple but perfect:

3.) Christina Applegate AKA Reagan Brinkley from Up All Night

Applegate plays a mom on the show Up All Night. I just started watching it, but from what I’ve seen it is pretty funny and, more importantly, she is hilarious in it. She’s a good actress, she’s very funny and she pulls off the cool mom as well as, or maybe better than, anyone on this list. She is just really likable.

In fact, imagine Applegate playing Betty Draper on Mad Men. She already kind of looks like the character. I bet you Don Draper would never have cheated on Applegate. Actually he probably still would have. He’s kind of a dick. But that’s not the point.

2.) Morena Baccarin AKA Jessica Brody from Homeland

Let me explain why Baccarin made it all the way to number two on this list. Hear me out.

So Homeland’s first season was last year and it was a huge success. It won the Emmy for Best Drama and it built a huge fan base. Let’s just say that the second season wasn’t received quite as well. The plot became more and more ridiculous and the things that happened on the show became harder and harder for us to believe might be reasonably possible (perhaps the most inexplicable part of the show is the fact that Jessica Brody calls her husband “Brody” instead of Nick. Name one wife that calls her husband by their last name). A lot of people lost interest in the show and complained about it. But it remained very popular. Why?

Well, the character of Jessica Brody is quite attractive. Also, the series is on Showtime. So I’m assuming some male J-Brody fans did the math and realized that it was logistically possible that she might get naked on the show. That’s right, I think the show remained popular because lonely dudes wanted to see this chick naked. I’m not saying I’m one of them. I’m just saying they’re out there.

In other words, Baccarin kept an underperforming hit series popular. That accomplishment alone put her at number two on the list.

1.) Connie Britton AKA Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights

Honestly, you have no idea how many times over the past year I have come to some sort of existential crisis and been crushed by the realization that Tami Taylor is not a real person and therefore cannot give me advice on my problem.

She’s amazing. I don’t really know what else to say. She helps Coach Taylor through so much and she’s so supportive. Not to mention she saves the lives of so many kids by being such a good guidance counselor. If you have never seen Friday Night Lights then you have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ll fill you in: Britton plays an angel from heaven who was sent down to Earth to brighten the lives of everyone around her, more or less.

I haven’t seen an episode of Nashville, but I’ve heard good things. It doesn’t really sound like my type of show, but if it comes out on Netflix I may or may not watch the entire first season in two days. And make no mistake, I don’t care how hot Hayden Panetierre is, I’ll take Ms. Coach’s side every episode.

———

I hope that I provided enough solid reasoning in my decision making for this to not seem like one of the most misogynistic articles you’ve ever read.

My apologies to Amy Matthews, Debra Barone, Theda Funnie, Vivian Banks, Skylar White and Rozalin Focker.

-Jonny Auping

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