Famous People Doing Things

My days are typically spent writing.

About five or six days of the week I put myself in front of the computer and type whatever I need to have written for the near future (or whatever I feel like writing about).

Normally (due to what would appear to be the first signs of attention deficit disorder) the first 15 or 20 minutes that I’m in front of the computer are spent reading current events. The first three minutes are usually spent reading about the actual news and the next 12 to 17 minutes are spent reading about the ridiculous things going on in the entertainment world.

The past week or so I have been particularly busy and fell behind in my daily fix of pointless celebrity drama. So this morning I woke up early and caught up as best I could. Here is what I found…

Chris Brown Hits Another Talented Person:

Apparently Chris Brown is doing that thing where he fights with people again.

Recently, Brown got in an altercation with fellow R&B artist Frank Ocean. It occurred outside of a parking lot (reportedly over a parking space). People were shoved, punches were thrown, both sides say the other one started it, it just kind of fizzled out and the police arrived too late to really determine anything. So basically it was just like any other pointless, irrelevant fight that no one cares about except for the fact that these two guys sing good.

For those of you who don’t know Frank Ocean, he is a young, extremely talented R&B artist who many people believe to be the man who is saving the genre. Chris Brown is the reason that most people believe the R&B genre needs saving. He was also in Stomp the Yard.

The two have history of beef that goes back a year or so and started on Twitter. After the fight, Ocean tweeted that he “got jumped by Chris and a couple guys and cut my finger. Now I can’t play with two hands at the Grammy’s.” Ocean plays the piano and is nominated for “Best Record,” “Best Album,” and “Best New Artist” at the Grammy’s. Brown dances and was nominated for “Best Urban Contemporary Album” at the Grammy’s (which Ocean was also nominated for).

Brown didn’t like the negative attention he had received after the fight so he took to Instagram and posted a picture of Jesus being crucified claiming it reminded him of how he felt. That seems like a fair comparison..

At this point I think that a collaboration between all the people that Brown has physically hit might result in one of the best songs the radio has ever heard.

Tony Soprano’s daughter found her real life Turtle:

You probably know Jamie-Lynn Sigler from one of two TV shows. You either know her from The Sopranos where she plays Tony Soprano’s daughter or you know her from Entourage where she played herself and dated Turtle, a goofy guy that wears backwards hats, has a beard and gets by off the fame of someone else.

She eventually broke up with Turtle in Entourage, but guess what? She’s engaged to a goofy guy that wears a backwards hat (sometimes), has a beard and gets by off of the fame of someone else.

Sigler is marrying Cutter Dykstra, the son of former baseball great Lenny Dykstra. Cutter (probably as weird of a name as Turtle) has been playing minor league baseball for the past five seasons, possibly because no one wants to be the minor league manager that cuts Lenny Dyksra’s son (to be fair, I’m totally speculating and have no idea how good he is. For all I know he could be the shining star of the Hagerstown Suns).

In related news, Lenny Dkystra is in jail for doing a lot of illegal stuff. 

Katy Perry has Potato Chips:

I was grocery shopping the other day and an old lady stopped me to give me a sample. She handed me a tiny paper container with three kettle corn chips in them. They were quite tasty. She said, “These are Katy Perry’s new chips.” Then she handed me an entire bag of them and said “here’s a free bag” and told me where I could buy the product that she had just given to me for free. I’m not sure she really understands the sample game.

I didn’t really believe that they were Katy Perry’s chips until I read the back of the bag and sure enough, she not only endorsed the product, but had this particular flavor (Katy’s Kettle Corn) named after her.

She also has an ad campaign for the chips where she holds two bags over her chest with the slogan “Nothing fake about em”, which I think might be a very subtle strategy to get the consumer to think about her breasts.

I hope whoever is watching the Super Bowl with me likes Katy’s Kettle Corn because I now have way more than I can eat. Well played, old grocery store sample lady, well played.

And that’s current events in America.

-Jonny Auping

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