The Trials and Tribulations of Not Having a Gay Uncle

Frankie wanted to support the cause.

He really thinks that gay people should be able to get married. He’s a Christian and he’s not anti-Bible or anything. But Leviticus 11:10 pretty clearly states that we shouldn’t eat lobster so who is he to judge gay people?

The problem is that he doesn’t have a gay uncle so he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on. How can he show genuine outrage over a group of people being denied their rights without being able to say, “My uncle is gay. Who are you to claim he doesn’t deserve the same rights and privileges as you and I?”

Everyone has a gay uncle. But not Frankie. Frankie doesn’t even have one of those single uncles that everyone is 90 percent sure is gay, but no one will ever bring it up.

All Frankie has is a homophobic 13-year old cousin. And arguing with Campbell is like running through a corn maze; you spend a lot of energy, but you don’t really get anywhere until a relative comes and bails you out.

“Imagining gay people having sex is disgusting!!” Campbell would always say.

“It’s not gross to imagine it because they’re gay,” Frankie would reply. “It’s gross to imagine because you aren’t attracted to either person involved. Try to picture two heterosexual senior citizens having sex or a morbidly obese man and woman having sex. I bet you think that’s gross too.”

Now the whole family is mad at Frankie for telling his 13-year old cousin to picture two fat people having sex. If he had a gay uncle this would never have taken place.

If he had a gay uncle he could really take a stand on Facebook and Twitter about gay marriage as well. Then it would be honorable. Without one he’s just that guy posting about gay people all the time. Keep in mind, Frankie doesn’t have a girlfriend, if he comes on too strong with all this gay rights stuff, people might start to think he’s gay.

I mean, Frankie’s no coward. He did publicly support gay marriage once. Someone’s Facebook status was a Louis C.K. quote about why gay people should be able to get married and Frankie “liked” the status. Granted, the person who wrote the status was a guy he used to work with a few years ago and they didn’t really have any mutual friends so, in a sense, no one he knew could really see that he “liked” it. But still, it’s the thought that counts, right?

You have to be careful with how you’re perceived with some of these things. I mean, Frankie doesn’t even have a gay uncle. That doesn’t leave a lot of wiggle room. He had a really inspiring notion to write a status showing pictures of African Americans in the sixties protesting their lack of rights to an angry white mob. Then he could have capped it off by saying something like, “You’ll look pretty dumb in about 40 years.”

But comparing different civil struggles is a tricky thing. Frankie doesn’t want to tick off those two black friends he has. If only those black guys knew how lucky they had it. They both have a history of being oppressed and no one will judge them for publicly supporting their causes. Heck, they probably both have a gay uncle too. All Frankie has is Campbell.

Frankie has seen every episode of Modern Family and “Cam” is kind of like an uncle to him, but that doesn’t count. “Luke” is so lucky.

It’s not Frankie’s fault, really. Not a single person he is related to is gay. It’s just so hard to stand up for something without you or someone you love being affected by it.

Frankie will have to sit on the sidelines for this one while all the gay people and their straight nephews and nieces fight the battle.

It’s just easier that way.

-Jonny Auping

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