The Facebook Phone is Only the Beginning

Twenty years ago today the cell phone was invented.

I’m 23 years old. It’s hard to believe that I went three full years without a cell phone. What did I pretend to be occupied with when I was awkward at parties?

Anyway, the bigger news than the cell phone’s twentieth anniversary is the rumor that tomorrow we will be introduced to the first edition of the Facebook phone. I don’t know if this is a big deal or not. I already have Facebook on my iPhone. Then again, I’m not exactly “hip to technological advancements.” Maybe there will be some sort of new development and every time you get a text you can feel as validated and popular as when someone “likes” your status. What? You don’t get that excited over a “like?” Yeah, me neither.

I probably won’t end up buying the Facebook phone, but I do like the idea of variety. The iPhone/Blackberry/Droid trio has dominated the market for far too long. And since Facebook is capitalizing off of its internet success to create its own mobile phone, I say why not keep the craze going with other internet sensations?

Here are a few options:

MySpace Phone:

-Not all of your friends will be able to contact you on your MySpace phone. Most of them will only use the Facebook phone. But that guy you used to work with at Best Buy will be able to call you. And he will call you.

-Your only ringtone selections will be of indie bands that you have never heard of. And if any of those bands ever make it big with a catchy, radio-friendly song then they will no longer be available in your ringtones.

-You will periodically get random Facetime requests from older men with mustaches. DON’T tell them where you live.

Angry Birds Phone:

-As you might expect, the ringtone options are all angry squawks from various species of birds.

-If you are ever at a crowded mall and trying to get ahold of the person you came with, of course you can just call them. BUT…if you slingshot your phone at them and hit them in the face to get their attention instead then you get 10 ABPPs (Angry Bird Phone Points). If you collect 100 ABPPs you will be allowed to send one text message.

Instagram Phone:

-Sure, it might not fit in your pocket, but it’s so vintage. Beautiful women wearing thick-rimmed glasses will be all like, “At first, I thought he was just some slob in a New York Jets hoodie, but I didn’t realize how artsy and sophisticated he is.”

-You know Instagram’s famous old-timey, faded filters? Well, Instagram Phone brings some of that same classic throwback feeling. There is a crinkly sound in the background of all of your phone conversations, almost like you’re waiting for a strong breeze to die down. It might be hard to understand the person you are talking to, but it will make you feel so nostalgic.

Yelp Phone:

-This phone is for fat people (who like to try new things).

Phones With Friends:

-This phone will take already established ideas that other phones have come up with and blatantly rip them off to make millions.

-They have this new innovation called “Message with Friends” where you can type a small text based message on your phone and send it to other people’s phone. It’s brillant.

Netflix Instant Phone:

-This is honestly the best phone on the market. It does everything. It’s faster than every other phone. It has amazing service. It contains pretty much every app imaginable and it’s really affordable.

-The only problem is you can’t watch Game of Thrones on it. So, I mean, what’s the point?


Luckily, no matter which of these phones you decide to purchase, they all do an equally great job of making you an extremely dangerous driver.

-Jonny Auping


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