Super hero movies are as big a part of our culture as ignorantly commenting on Youtube videos. It’s who we are. If you have $80 million to make a good super hero movie, we’ll all go see it and make you a quick $200 million. It doesn’t matter if we’ve seen the story told 10 different ways, just cast a new actor, barely change the movie title and reboot the franchise.
With movie season just around the corner, super hero movies are getting their yearly hype. And apparently this is the best year ever for super hero films. Until next year, which will be so much cooler.
So I did some research (randomly clicking around on the internet) and decided to provide you with the biggest news developments in some of the super hero movies coming out soon.
*This will not be a recurring feature because I am not a nerd.
Superman has been lying to us about the ‘S’:
The third and final trailer was released this week for the summer film Man of Steel.
The biggest revelation in the trailer is in the last few seconds when Clark Kent reveals that the ‘S’ that he wears on his chest does not actually stand for “super.” Apparently on his planet the symbol means “hope.”
I did my due diligence (Wikipedia) and found out that when the character was originally created the ‘S’ did in fact stand for “super.” So be prepared, “director of 300,” this Man of Steele movie better be good or you’ll have thousands of angry nerds emailing you, tweeting you and making their feelings known on “Rotten Tomatoes” for months on end for that little creative change of story. This isn’t 300 where you can just have us pretend to believe every Spartan did strenuous ab workouts every day of their lives. This shit has to be spot on accurate.
Also, I think we can all “hope” this doesn’t result in more people wearing Superman shirts.
Other notes from the trailer:
-I am now starting a small fund so that by the time I have my first born son, I can hire Russell Crowe to show up to the hospital and hold up the still dripping child and say, “He’ll be a god to them.”
-Also, this kid is born as the biological son of “Maximus” from Gladiator and then is adopted by “Ray Kinsella” from Field of Dreams? No wonder he grew up to be Superman.
Jamie Foxx looks like an Avatar in Spiderman movie:
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is set to come out in May of 2014, not to be confused with Spider-Man 2. This one’s amazing.
And the villan will be played by none other than Jamie Foxx, fresh off of brutally murdering racist plantation owners. Foxx will play the character of “Electro” who according to a bunch of nerds somewhere, isn’t blue, or looks different, or has a mask, or something of that nature that only nerds would care about.
This is all detailed in this Yahoo! article, which provided the picture and described the character. The best part of this article is that its introduction includes the sentence “And fanboys will doubtless be saying both ‘Cool!’ and ‘Huh?'” Classic fanboys. I wonder if they’ll also be saying “Zoinks!” and “Jeepers!”
The article tells us that Electro “is a former electrician who was treated poorly by life before he was struck by lightning.”Damnit life, do you see what you’ve done? Also, that’s probably the only time you’ll ever see the words “treated badly by life before he was struck by lightning.”
Iron Man 3 will be in 4D in Japan:
According to this article by Business Insider, Iron Man 3 will be the first film to premier in 4D in Japan. 4D technology has been used in films before in South Korea, Mexico and South America, but it is still relatively new technology. Developers are hoping to have the 4D platform used regularly in American theaters in the next five years.
The best way to describe 4D films is that apparently “4D effects makes the audience ‘feel’ the effects of the film in addition to viewing them.”
-You will be able to “feel” Robert Downey Jr’s snarky comebacks in the heat of battle.
-You will “feel” how uncomfortable the 4D glasses you are wearing are and how hard it is to open your box of Milk Duds while wearing them.
-Middle aged women will “feel” excited when Downey Jr. comes on the screen, smooth talking his way out of little predicaments.
-You will “feel” the diversity that Don Cheadle adds to the film as the only black cast member.
-Teenage boys will expect to “feel” some sort of feeling when Scarlett Johansson comes on the screen.
-Teenage boys will “feel” anger when they realize that Scarlett Johansson isn’t actually in this movie.
-You will “feel” uncomfortable every time Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow start seeming like they are about to have sex.
So congratulations Japan, you’re viewing experience just got that much better.