Tuesdays With 2 Chainz: Special 2 Chainz Unit

Tuesdays With 2 Chainz” is a recuring feature in which the author takes a moment to discuss what is new in the life of rapper 2 Chainz or bless the public with assorted bits of 2 Chainz trivia. 

A lot of you might think that 2 Chainz is just a rapper. That, my friends, is incorrect. He’s also an actor in shows that make very little sense for him to be in. Last week we discussed his role in the CBS sitcom “2 Broke Girls.” 

This week we’re going to talk about his short role on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. If you don’t know anything about the show the basic premise is that someone gets raped in the opening scene and throughout the show Ice-T, a chick named Benson and a dude named Stabler (who have some sort of weird sexual tension), attempt to solve the rape case. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they catch the rapist, sometimes they don’t.

Enter 2 Chainz. Season 15, episode 22, titled “Poison Method.” I didn’t see this episode of Law and Order: SVU and 2 Chainz’ almost 65 combined words of dialogue are nowhere on Youtube to be found. But luckily for you, I spent about 10 minutes fast forwarding through the online episode until I saw 2 Chainz.

This is what I now know about this episode:

  • 2 Chainz plays a character named “Calvin Jones.”

  • Calvin Jones is a sniper.
  • NBC.com shows about a thousand commercials on their online videos. It’s outrageous.
  • Ice-T always squints one eye when his character is thinking/interrogating/eating/acting tough/talking.
  • The cops put a picture of 2 Chainz on a bulletin board and then talk about him. Bulletin boards on this show are normally reserved for rapists, but 2 Chainz makes the cut as a sniper. 
  • “Jones” is getting a “happy ending” at a massage parlor when Ice-T and Benson go to interrogate him. Right off the bat, it sounds like this was taken straight from a 2 Chainz song.
  • 2 Chainz’ first real spoken line is (in a high pitched voice) is “I GOT SCIATICA!” **This refers to a pain or tingling in your leg usually from a previous injury. 
  • 2 Chainz says the word “bitch” about 17 seconds into the scene. He usually only makes it about 14 seconds in most of his songs. In the acting business they call that “showing discipline.”
  • The cops plant a gun on the paroled Jones, knock  him over a massage table, and point guns in his face, but he still doesn’t snitch. Straight G.
  • Jones says that if he snitched the man in question would “peel his face off, sew it on to a soccer ball and kick it into my mother’s yard.” I am 100 percent convinced that 2 Chainz wrote that line.

Have you ever wondered what 2 Chainz would look like if he were knocked over a massage table and was slightly scared for his life, but decided to stick to his guns and refrain from giving information to the police? I bet you have. He would like like this:

2 chainz svu 2 Chainz Adds to His IMDb with Law & Order Debut  [Video]

This episode is just another example of 2 Chainz’ vast range as an entertainer. 

My one complaint about it is that the show didn’t make notice to the fact that they had such a huge star on their program. For example, I think we all know the Law and Order sound that plays when they transition from one scene to another in a dramatic moment. It sounds like this. I thought it would have been fitting if the show temporarily replaced that sound with 2 Chainz yelling his name into the microphone as he does in all his songs. Imagine a dramatic moment followed up with any of these.

This is the type of mistakes that Law and Order:SVU can learn from. Hopefully when 2 Chainz eventually returns to the show, probably to play a full time detective, they will implement these sound changes. 

Join us next week when we discuss 2 Chainz inexplicable appearance in a Fall Out Boy video. 

Jonny Auping

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