Lonely Movie Reviews: Man of Steel

Like most normal American citizens, I enjoy seeing movies. Actually I probably enjoy seeing movies in the theater even more than the normal American citizen. So I thought “why don’t I try to see as many summer movies as I can and write reviews for them on Stories For Sunday?”

But I eventually found two problems with this idea. First, there are a ton of movie reviews for summer movies, why would anyone care about my reviews? Why would mine stand out at all? The second problem is how am I going to keep getting people to see movies with me on random weekdays? Movies are expensive and two hours is a lot of time to have to spend with me. 

So I found a solution to both problems. I would go see these movies by myself (something I’ve never done) and not only talk about the movie, but also share the experience that came with buying a single ticket. 

And I can call them “Lonely Movie Reviews.”

The first edition of this series features the highly anticipated film Man of Steel.

I drove to the nearby theater to see the new Super Man movie. I specifically went on a Monday night assuming that few people went to movies on Monday nights because I was a little insecure about seeing a movie on my own. 

I did not factor in how many huge Super Man nerds there are in the world. This large theater was nearly sold out. In fact, the elderly couple in front of me in line was turned away because there weren’t enough seats. I prepared to have to buy a ticket to another movie. I got to the front of the line and asked the probably 19-year old girl working the regiester, “Are there any tickets left for Man of Steele?”

She then had an uncomfortable look on her face and clearly tried to measure the distance between me and the people behind me in order to try to determine if there was any possibility they were with me before finally asking, “Well…yeah… are you just by yourself?”

It felt pretty much exactly like this:

Apparently, there were three seats left, but they were all scattered so only a loner like me could claim one. I chose the one in the very back. I had my ticket. There was no turning back. I had bought my first single movie ticket and so far it was anything but painless. 

The theater had reserved seating and when I found my seat I had the good fortune of being situated right between two random couples about my age. By this point, I was regretting the entire plan. 

This was one of those theaters where they have a full menu and there are waiters that bring you your food and you can order it any time throughout the movie. By the time the previews had started both couples on either side of me decided to order their food. On one side of me, someone ordered the Cranberry Pecan Chicken Wrap. On the other side of me, the Kobe Beef Sliders were ordered. 

I ordered Milk Duds. 

That’s right, I asked a grown man (older than me) to go fetch me a box of Milk Duds while I watch the previews before a super hero movie. It’s a good thing that you can’t spit in Milk Duds because my waiter probably would have. 

The movie starts and there’s a bunch of dramatic alien stuff going on. Super Man is born on another planet. And you won’t guess what happened next….The waiter comes and tells me that they are out of Milk Duds loud enough for my whole row to hear. So I quietly tell him I’ll just have a small popcorn and a water and quietly hope he doesn’t spit in it. 

A few minutes later he brings me popcorn. Super Man is about to be sent to Earth, but you’ll be shocked by what happens next….He didn’t bring me a water. This is clearly how he got back at me for the Milk Dud thing. There was no need for spit. He was more strategic than that. The guy left me with a bag of salty popcorn and no possible way to wash it down. 

I’ve written about 700 words without telling you anything about how I liked Man of Steel.

So I’ll tell you this: I liked it, but I’ll probably never watch it again. Here are some random notes about it:

-If you love good guys and bad guys mid-air tackling each other then you will love this movie. That’s honestly like 43 percent of it.

-Amy Adams is really good as Louis Lane. However, it might drive you crazy how Louis Lane is included in so many scenes that would make no sense for her character to be in. She somehow goes to outer space, comes up with a great idea without explaining how she would have thought of it and flys in a plane on a mission that has no reason to involve her.

-Super Man’s biological dad is Russell Crowe and his adopted dad is Kevin Costner. We’re talking about the protagonists of Gladiator and Field of Dreams. No wonder he’s Super Man. 

-You would think the first third of the movie is Super Man struggling with his identity and going through a personal saga of understanding his powers. This happens surprisingly fast. I’ve spent more time looking for my phone than he did searching for his identity. 

-Elliot Stabler from Law and Order:SVU and Morhpeus both have small roles in this movie and both have sassy back and forth dialogue with Louis Lane. 

That’s my review of Man of Steele. I give it a 7 out of 10 (I thought of that rating in about half a second and it’s pretty arbitrary, so see the movie yourself and make your own call.).

The most ironic part of this whole experience was the fact that I was judging the 13 people (just within my sight) I counted wearing Super Man shirts, but considering I came alone, I probably looked more like a Super Man nerd than anyone else there. 

…In a totally unrelated note, the day before, I saw This is the End. However, I actually  saw this movie with other human beings who knew my name and voluntarily went to the movies with me. But in case you were wondering, I thought it was hilarious. I would give it an 8 out of 10.

Jonny Auping

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