My Email to Mark Wahlberg’s Restaurant

It started with Ryan Gosling. 

I’ll be frank, I was jealous of the man. So when I found out that he owned a restaurant in LA, I decided to email that restaurant with a special request. I wrote a story about that email. It was well received, by people who weren’t Ryan Gosling. They thought it was funny. I have no idea what Gosling or the restaurant thought of it. They never got back to me. 

To read that story click here

Months later I found out that Justin Timberlake owned a restaurant in New York. In something of a sequel to the Ryan Gosling story, I decided to email a special request to Timberlake’s restaurant. 

To read that story click here

Well, guess who owns a restaurant in Hingham, Massachusetts?

Mark Wahlberg.

 

And guess what? Just like Gosling and Timberlake, I just so happen to be very jealous of Mark Wahlberg’s life as well. Whenever Wahlberg takes his shirt off in any context girls literally go insane. Whenever I take my shirt off someone just tells me “Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave Jack in the Box.” It’s all about what cards you draw in life, I guess.

So when I heard Wahlberg had a hamburger joint I had to look into it. That’s when I found out the best part. It’s name? Wahlburgers. Damn, I have to give it to him on that one. Where were jokes like that when they were writing Ted?

So I went to the website and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised that they really didn’t force the whole owned by Mark Wahlberg thing down our throats. In fact, it took a few minutes of navigating before I could actually confirm that he was associated with the restaurant.  That’s when I found this picture:

Once again, the name “Mark Wahlberg” is never mentioned in the page that this picture was on, just a heartwarming collage of old photos. Pretty classy stuff. Gosling and Timberlake could learn a thing or two.

After a few more minutes of navigating, I found out that they want to hear from us. So I knew it was time for me to send in a request. And that’s exactly what I did. 

Here is a picture of the form that I filled out. 

Screen Shot 2013-07-17 at 6.43.07 PM

And here is a full copy of the email:

Mr. Wahlberg,

Don’t even get me started on how excited I was to hear about Wahlburgers. I’m a HUGE fan of puns. I guess you could say that when me and puns get together we’re the Perfect Storm. Did you see what I did there?

All jokes aside, I have a few things to go over before I let Wahlburgers cater my “Dexter” watching party. I’ve heard a lot about these certain restaurants where the waiters and other staff are deliberately rude to their customers as a sort of gimmick. They sort of act the way your character did in that scene from “The Departed” when you and Charlie Sheen’s dad were interviewing Leonardo Dicaprio’s character. I want to be upfront with you and let you know that me and my “Dexter” crew have no interest in such behavior. You really crossed the line with Leo and quite frankly, I found it very off-putting.

As a side note, as far as I know you are the only actor who has worked with both of my two favorite living actors: Ice Cube and Seth Green. If there’s any way you could make a few phone calls and get them to attend the event it would be GREATLY appreciated. I have some “BarberShop 2” and “Can’t Hardly Wait” posters that I would love to get signed.

Lastly, we’re doing something fun for this year’s party. We’re all dressing up like different “Dexter” characters. I’m going as the Ice Truck Killer. I know, an oldie, but a goodie. I thought I’d let you know in case you were interested in participating. After looking at the official credits, the only remaining characters to dress as are “Dead Body #61,” “Dead Body #149” and “Deborah.”

I hope that everything works out and the party goes smoothly. I don’t want to start any rumors, but the word on street is that we’re also looking to switch up locations for our “True Blood” watching party later this year. IF all goes well for this one, I think you might be the leading candidate.

All I can do now is wait. As always, you are all invited to the party.

Jonny Auping

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