Jonny to Johnny: An Email Exchange With Johnny Manziel

There’s a lot of heat on last year’s Heisman Trophy winner, Johnny Manziel at the moment. The man affectionately nicknamed “Johnny Football” was the talk of college sports eight months ago. But recently, he’s been in the news for allegedly drinking too much in typical college shenanigan fashion as well as selling his own autograph to fans. All of this has led to a significant decrease in his likability as far as the casual fans are concerned. 

This got me to thinking, I’ve been a Jonny for 24 years now. I have four years on Mr. Football and I like to think I know a little something about life. So instead of raking his name through the mud like so many other journalists, I decided I would try to reach out to him and offer him my guidance through all the hoopla. 

Below is a copy of our email thread.

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

Hey man, 

This is Jonny Auping. Look, I know you’re going through a complicated and stressful time right now and I just want to let you know that I’m here for guidance in case you need any. You know, one Jonny to another. It was only four years ago that I was, like you, entering my sophomore year of college as the most popular guy on campus  in my class  in my dorm building  in my side of my dorm room. 

I’m not trying to be pushy or assume you want my help, but just let me know if there’s anything you would like some advice with.

-Jonny Auping

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To: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

From: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

Thanks bro,

I appreciate the support. Everyone is really sweating me so hard lately. It feels like when your playing beer pong and your having a bad game and you totally get skunked so you have to sit under the table for the rest of the hour. Then you’re teammate is all pissed at you, but it’s not like he’s the one that has to sit under the table. Plus, everybody at the party is judging you. I mean, everybody has a bad game now and then. You know?

It’s just really hard I guess. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

Right off the bat, I don’t think that’s really the right analogy for you to be using. You have to realize that people want to think that you’re focusing on football and not partying. I would think that most quarterbacks facing all this scrutiny would use the analogy of the pocket collapsing on them and the feeling of a blitzing linebacker coming at them from the blindside…or something like that. 

Also, let me run something by you: have you ever considered dropping the ‘h’ from your name? Your real name is Jonathan, like mine. Since it’s not Johnathan, the ‘h’ doesn’t really belong in there. I’ve been ‘h’-free since I switched to Jonny in ’97. I think people will respond better if you drop it. That thing’s just holding you back.

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

From: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

Uhh yeah, sure bro, I guess people don’t really like Johnny Depp, Johnny Cash, Johnny Tsunami, Johnny Damon, Johnny Carson and Johnny Knoxville. Name one famous Johnny that doesn’t have the ‘h’ in the name. GTFO bro. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.auping@gmail.com

Yeah, you may be right, the public might not be ready for a Jonny with no ‘h.’ That’s probably why I’m not super famous yet. 

On another note, what’s with you selling your autograph to dealers? This is really serious, man. You could actually get suspended for this. Haven’t you followed college sports for the past couple years?

Oh, and by the way, Jonny Quest. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

From: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

Whatever, bro. I can’t talk about what happened because of the investigation. But it’s a total BS rule anyway. The NCAA wants me to become a celebrity. The bigger the celebrity I become the more money they can make off of my name. Same with Texas A&M. The more my autograph is worth, the more money I’m worth to the college sports. But I can’t see some of that cash? Why am I the only person that can’t make money off of my name?

Their all a bunch of hypocrites. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

That’s actually a surprisingly good point. That does seem unfair. But I got to admit, you probably aren’t the person that’s going to come across as that sympathetic in this one. A lot of NCAA players are dragged out of low-income areas. Then the schools make money off of them, but don’t allow them to see any of that money unless they meet the ridiculously small odds of turning pro. You came from a wealthy family. You don’t really need any extra money. 

I’d say you need to cut that stuff out, man. It’s not worth the risk. You’ll make the NFL and have some endorsements and you’ll make a lot of money. If the issue of players’ compensation really bothers you then you should address it when you’re in the NFL and have a stronger platform to call them out on. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com

From: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

Yeah, I guess you’re right, bro. But you got to admit (I’m not saying I did it), it’s pretty sick to be able to sign you’re name on a picture and get straight cash for it. These people are putting my autograph on there wall and I’m like half they’re age. Pretty dope, huh bro?

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.auping@gmail.com

Stop calling me bro. You’re not rushing Sigma Chi. You want an NFL team to trust you as the face of their franchise some day, you need to talk like an adult. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: Jonathan.auping@gmail.com

From: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

Yeah right, like I’d ever go Sig Chi. In there dreams. Hot girls don’t even go to they’re parties.

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.auping@gmail.com

Alright, well I have to go, man. But one last thing: You’ve spelled “their” and “your” wrong like at least 20 times since we’ve been talking. Didn’t you have to take at least one freshman English class?

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: Jonathan.auping@gmail.com

From: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

Yeah, I took freshman English. Maybe I missed the class where they went over that. I think my teachers were cool with me missing a class here and their considering I was a little busy winning a Heisman Trophy for there school. LOL.

———————————————————————————————————————————

To: JohnnyFootballRulez@TAMU.edu

From: Jonathan.auping@gmail.com

I’m speechless. 

———————————————————————————————————————————–

There’s a 97%* chance this email thread is fake. 

Jonny Auping

*There’s a 100% chance this email thread is fake.

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