Two Turtles React to Katy Perry’s AMA Performance

2 turtles


Harold and Brian are two neighbor turtles that commute to work every day. Their job is about 150 feet away, making it a 45-minute commute. This was their conversation Monday morning:

“Mornin’ Brian, how was your weekend?”

“Hey Harold. It was pretty rough actually. My wife’s parents were staying with us and I had to pick them up from the creek. I’ll tell you what, if Suzy looks like her mom by the time she’s 250 I might have to reassess a few things. I know I said I’d love her unconditionally, but yikes.”

“Speaking of Unconditionally…did you see that Katy Perry performance at the AMAs last night? Seemed a little racist don’t you think?”

“I don’t know. Everyone’s acting all shell-shocked by it, but it didn’t seem that bad to me. She was dressed like a geisha, but it’s not like she was making fun of asian people.”

“I disagree. Her performance was ridiculous. She’s just taking a culture that she knows nothing about and using it as a gimmick in her performance. What if she had performed in black face? Would that have been acceptable? Also, the song says ‘I will love you unconditionally…’ Doesn’t that kind of reenforce stereotypes about Asian females being subservient to their men?”

“Geez, who tightened your shell? I will admit you have a point about the Asian females. I visited a friend in China a few years back and let’s just say his wife was certainly not subservient. Guy might as well have been dating a snapping turtle.”

“I didn’t know you went to China.”

“Oh yeah. I’m still trying to get the rice out of my shell.”

“That actually seems kind of racist to say.”

“What? Find one turtle in the world that doesn’t love rice. And it’s so abundant there. I ate an acorn that a squirrel dropped for dinner yesterday. I would kill for some fresh rice.”

“Well, either way, I just flat out don’t like that “Unconditional” song and her tacky performance didn’t help. I may be a turtle, but even I think that song’s too slow.”

“To be honest, that performance didn’t offend me nearly as much as her song ‘Roar.’ She basically claims to be a tiger. That’s supposed to be acceptable? Where does she get off? I’ve got tiger friends so I’m definitely not okay with that.”

“Please…you’re lying straight through your gums. I’ve known you for 20 years, you don’t have any tiger friends.”

“I mean, I’m not close with them, but I’ve talked to a couple. And every time I walk by one we give each other head nods so I feel like I’m pretty cool with them.”

“Sure man, you’ve got about as much street cred as Franklin.”

“More like Donatello…”

“Don’t you think that someone close to Katy Perry could have told her the performance might offend some people?”

“Shell-yeah they could have. But those same people could have told her that writing a song about having sex with an alien would make her sound a little slutty. Now, if she wrote a song about getting down with a turtle…”

“Oh, come on man! You’re old enough to be her great, great, great, great grandfather.”

“Calm down, I’m just kidding. Did you see Miley and her cat?”

“Yeah, but I’m sick of talking about Miley.”

“Fair enough. We’re here anyway. What’s your plan for lunch?”

“I heard there’s a new twig over on the other side of the tree.”

“Cool, I’ll see you in a couple hours.”

“Shell ya later.”

To read Harold and Brian’s reaction to Miley’s VMA performance click here

Jonny Auping

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