This Week in Internet Advice: Let Me Criticize Your Elliptical Use

As we’ve known for years, the Internet is a place that we go to for advice. Just like that one friend who you made feel like an expert because you asked them one question once, the Internet has responded by constantly giving us unsolicited advice. All these unnecessary tips can come in handy every now and again, but more often than not their sole purpose is providing unintentional comedy. 

That’s what this column is for: finding the most ridiculous of such articles and breaking them down. 

This week’s example? A piece in the Huffington Post entitled, “Avoid These Elliptical Workout Mistakes.” I don’t know about you guys, but I’m tired of these broad Huffington Post pieces that try to pack all the relevant news into one article. Why can’t they just pick something specific and write about it?

So the gist is basically that author, Yuri Elkaim, is irrationally upset with the way some people use the elliptical and somehow found an enormous publication to let him vent his frustrations.

Let me provide you with the introduction to the article written with an inexplicably annoyed tone under the bold words “Don’t be one of those people!”:

“It never fails. No matter where I am in the world, I always see them. They walk in to the gym, grab the remote, put their favorite TV show on and start happily peddling away on the elliptical…”

Really? No matter where you are in the WORLD? I’m pretty sure if you go to Haiti right now you won’t see a ton of people watching their favorite TV shows “happily peddling away on the elliptical.”

“And then there’s me -– huffing, puffing and sweating my butt off while running intervals on the treadmill. When I am doing my workouts, there is no way I’d be able to leisurely watch TV for an hour!”

What a bunch of freeloaders! They’re probably immigrants. Coming to our country, lazily using our ellipticals while we’re sweating our butts off on the treadmill. I knew it would come to this as soon as Obama was elected.

It continues…

“Actually, because my cardio is high-intensity, I only do about 20 to 30 minutes before I cool down and head over to the weights. Almost 100 percent of the time, after I am done with my full-body workout, I’ll look over at the elliptical and there they are, still peddling away without one bead of sweat on their brows!”

It’s totally irrelevant to the article that you’re writing, but I’m really glad that you were able to work in the sentence, “Actually, because my cardio is high-intensity, I only do about 20 to 30 minutes before I cool down and head over to the weights.” I feel better about reading the rest of this article knowing how high-intensity you are with your cardio.

The article goes on about this point without any actual advice except for the general point that you shouldn’t one of those people that watches TV and doesn’t go high-intensity on the elliptical. 

The next bold point is “Be Fully Engaged.” You know, because we didn’t just cover that.

“If you want to make sure your workouts really count, no watching TV, flipping channels, reading books or magazines, chatting on the phone, surfing the Web or having long conversations with the person next to you.”

You know that one person at the gym that kind of creeps you out because instead of listening to music or podcasts or watching TV or doing literally anything, they are just intensely staring forward while they do their cardio? Apparently that person wrote this article. 

The next point? “Use the Resistance.” The author basically explains what resistance is and that if you turn up the resistance your workout will become harder and you will see better results. So you know that one button that’s on the elliptical? You can press it to increase resistance. Also, if you turn the knob on your car radio it will increase the volume of the music playing. 

The author once again reiterates a point (and perhaps issues a warning):

“When I am at the gym busting out my intervals, I hope and pray nobody comes up to talk to me! There is no way I’d be able to talk back! It also breaks my focus. Being in the “zone” is important for getting the most out of your workouts.”

Guys, I would not recommend approaching this dude when he’s on the elliptical. Do you have any idea how high-intensity his cardio is? His resistance is off the charts. Getting someone out of the “zone” when their on an elliptical is like waking up a sleepwalker. You just don’t do it. 

The article finishes by assuring us that we don’t have to give up on the greatest invention since the light bulb, the elliptical: 

“The elliptical is a great machine but it is often used incorrectly. If you remember to stay focused and increase your resistance, you will have more results in less time.

Doesn’t really get better than that, does it?”

Nope, it doesn’t get better than that. In fact, that’s what is so hard about the elliptical, once you’re finished you might as well just call it a year, because it doesn’t really get much better than that. Why even try to top it?

To read about why the Internet says we shouldn’t feed our dogs batteries click here

Jonny Auping

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