Cyber Monday Products for Insane People/Serial Killers

Today is Cyber Monday, a holiday created as a response to Black Friday. Both are commercial holidays invented with the sole purpose of getting Americans to spend an irresponsible amount of money. They are also both nicely sandwiched in between a holiday that asks us to eat a gluttonous amount of food and a holiday in which we demand Playstation 4’s so that we can better celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. 

 It is the responsibility of most participants of social media to complain about Cyber Monday and the commercialism of the “crazy people” who embrace these corporate holidays. It can be a tough task though. For example, you have to figure out if you want to complain about it using your really expensive iPhone, your really expensive iPad or your really expensive laptop…

Cyber Monday is actually great because it helps people find sales on the type of products that you can’t find at most retail stores. 

The Internet has long been a place of refuge for crazy/weird/socially unorthodox people. I did some research and found that Cyber Monday provides a virtual shopping store for those very same people. So provided below is a list of some of the strangest things that some of the strangest people will be getting at a discount price today…

Ski Mask: Ebay: $13.01

Here’s some very simple logic: People who ski are rich. There are pretty much no exceptions to that rule. Rich people don’t buy their “rich white people activities gear” on Ebay. They buy them at North Face outlet stores and similar establishments. 

Therefore, I feel pretty confident that whoever buys this ski mask will not go skiing with it. They will use it to hide their identity while they do something illegal. 

Teddy Bear Camera: eBay: $11.99

I searched “Teddy Bear Camera” and 58 results came back. The above picture was the cheapest of the 58. I don’t know all that much about technology, but I feel that $11.95 is not enough for a Teddy Bear camera, which leads me to believe that it either doesn’t work or is a used Teddy Bear camera. God only know what that little guy has seen. Pretty dope hat though…

“Weird Broken iPod Touch”: eBay: $0.01:

Here’s the description of this item:

Before I broke this ipod, I had an alarm set to go off every 10 min. 
So now its broke, screen is broke, 
So it doesn’t show anything, it still 
Turns on, you can hear it, the alarm 
Goes off every 10 minutes and there’s norhing to do you can do 
To turn it off, 

The the alarm has beeing going off 
On the ipod for 2 days straight now 
Because I had it fully charged, please take this off my hands!!!!

A Bottle of Chloroform: Amazon: $18.00:

You know it’s good chloroform because the label doesn’t mess around too much with all that medical information nonsense. Apparently customers who bought this product also bought…other random bottles of chloroform. That’s comforting….Remember ladies, December is not the month to walk to your car alone.

Secret Agent Tactical Ninja Sword: Amazon: $25.43:

In the little I know about Asian culture, I have no knowledge of a ninja carrying something like this. I have certainly never seen a secret agent carry something like this. I’m also pretty sure that a “secret agent ninjas” don’t actually exist. 

Tone Loc Greatest Hits Download: Amazon : $1.98:

Wild Thing (Re-Recorded / Remastered Versions)

There’s nothing weird about this one. I just wanted to let you guys in on a solid deal. Two bucks for at least two Tone Loc songs? You had me at Funky Cold Medina.

Pigeon Mask: eBay: $19.00:

Hey Mr and Mrs. Cyber-Monday-is-an-insult-to-the-spirit-of-the-holidays, I bet your face is pretty red right now. How much did you pay for your giant pigeon masks? $50? $60? Maybe even $100…Well if you had just waited until today you could have gotten them for less than $20. 

Christmas shopping done…

Jonny Auping

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s