Two Turtles Reacting to the “Duck Dynasty” Controversy

2 turtlesduck dynasty

Harold and Brian are two turtles who commute to work every day. Their job is about 150 feet away, which makes it a 45-minute commute. This was their conversation Monday Morning. 

“Hey Brian”

“What’s up Harold?”

“Oh not much. I have to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I got my brother a Lord of the Rings boxset, but then I heard the guy who played Gandalph said all those homophobic things so I returned it to the store.”

“The guy who played Gandalph? That wasn’t him. It was the guy from Duck Dynasty who was hating on gay people.”

“Well, I thought they were the same person.”

“No, they just both have beards.”

“Oh gotcha. It seems pretty silly for him to have a beard like that. I’ve lived in nature my whole life and I’ll tell you right now, camouflage clothes don’t really disguise you when you look like a redneck Santa Claus. I’m pretty sure you and I would be smart enough to hide in our shells if we saw that guy walking tortoise* (*towards us).

“I dunno man, ducks will pretty much always come if you call them. They have a pretty low shell-f esteem so they’re just desperate to hear someone quack at them.”

“Yeah, that’s true. At least we don’t have to see that guy anymore since they took him off the air.”

“I actually don’t know how I feel about that. I thought there was Freedom of Speech in this country. You’re always going to hear someone with extreme opinions about things. That doesn’t mean you have to be all sensitive about it. Some humans are ways too shell-tered.”

“Yeah, there’s Freedom of Speech, but this guy’s face is on half the products in Wal-Mart. You don’t have Freedom of Speech in advertising. You can’t say offensive things like that and expect to stay on the air. Remember, those Comcast commercials with “The Slowsky” turtles? I used to know those guys. They were crazy racist. You should have heard some of the things they said about sea turtles. That’s why you never see them on TV anymore.”

“That’s true, plus I don’t want to hear some old, creepy dude talking about anuses and vaginas. I know I’m a turtle, but I couldn’t have been the only one that felt awkward hearing that.”

“That’s how some of those southern, right-wing Christians are sometimes. This Phil guy probably thinks this whole country is going to Shell in handbasket.”

“Yeah, last time I went to Louisiana some alligator told me he hates turtles because apparently “sloth” is one of the seven deadly sins. Uhh, first of all, I’m not lazy, I’m literally moving as fast as I can. Secondly, you lounge in a swamp all day, pretend to be asleep and then viscously kill innocent animals. I’m pretty sure that’s like three sins right there.

“Now you hear some humans are boycotting A&E because of this whole thing? Oh wow, congratulations, you’re going to watch five hours of Cake Boss instead of five hours of Storage Wars. What a species of principles. Maybe if they would go outside for ten minutes instead of eating Doritos Tacos while watching reality TV that might impress me.”

“Typical humans, fighting over weirdos and chicken sandwiches. You know most of them don’t live much longer than 80 or 90 years?”

“Yeah, that’s gotta be the stress from hating on each other then arguing for months on end.”

“Shell yeah, it’s all about that simple turtle life.”

“I hear that. I guess we’re here. Did you have any plans for lunch?”

“I was thinking about splurging on a berry.”


To read about Brian and Harold discuss Miley Cyrus at the VMAs click here.

To read about Brian and Harold discuss Katy Perry at the AMAs click here.  

Jonny Auping*

*The author is aware that some of the puns used in this piece were also used in previous turtle-related articles. Apparently the turtle-pun-well does eventually run dry. If this recycling of jokes upsets you then the author would like to remind you that you are reading an article about two turtles talking about a bearded duck hunter who is against homosexuality so you really have no room to be upset with anyone but yourself. 

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