This Week in Internet Advice: Thought Catalog Still Misses the Nineties

nostalgia

“This Week in Internet Advice” is a response to the overwhelming number of arbitrary advice columns on the Internet. The Internet has long been the place that we go to with our questions and as a result, over the past few years the Internet has responded by giving us unsolicited advice that we didn’t realize we needed. In this feature, the author picks one of these articles and points out the unintentional humor it provides. 

 

The problem with Stories For Sunday is that it’s not a serious site worthy of your respect. The articles are just a bunch of random jokes with absolutely no intelligent thought behind them. None of them represent a satirical commentary on the generation we live in. I mean, the guys running this site can barely even write. 

Luckily, all you millennials have Thought Catalog to make up for all of our many faults. Thought Catalog is like the New Yorker of our generation, except instead of insightful commentaries that teach us, it’s full of relatable posts that make us feel more independent. Each piece is a perfectly well-crafted collection of sentences with insight so valuable that you’ll be sure to share it on your Facebook wall and get a minimum of 15 ‘likes.’

Oh you don’t believe me? Well, I’ll prove it by randomly selecting an article from the site and sharing the main points so you can see just how thought-provoking they actually are. 

Today, we’re going to take a look at “6 Things You Miss From the 90s” by Brianna Clark. 

Brianna introduces her piece as such:

“I was born in the 90s. I grew up in a time full of change. I also grew up in a time full of bowl cuts, mullets Harry Potter glasses,  overalls, and choker necklaces…But I feel like society in general has changed so much since I was a kid. Things are so different. A lot of things that I grew up with aren’t around (which obviously in some cases is a good thing) but there are definitely some things from my childhood I miss.”

Perfect. I totally agree. The political and social context has changed so much since the nineties and it’s undoubtably reflected in popular culture and consumer trends. I’m excited to see where this piece goes. In fact, I’ve got an idea. Let’s both say the thing we miss the most on the count of three. Maybe we’ll get the same thing. Ready? 1…2….3!!!!

1. “Green/Purple Ketchup”

….Princess Dian…..oh….uhh, yeah…green and purple ketchup….It’s just, I thought we were going to focus more on….no, that’s what I was going to say. 

“Does anyone remember this? I’m not really sure why Heinz thought that anyone would like this. I’m also not sure why I thought it was so cool. Its actually pretty disgusting. But needless to say, it was awesome and I miss it. But the only color ketchup I would eat is pink.”

So…you wouldn’t eat red?

2. “Computer Games”

“Like Oregon Trail. This game was my literal shit. It was a computer game and you basically had to cross the Oregon Trail without dying.”

Yeah, I know what Oregon Trail is. I don’t think you know what “literal” means. 

“Oh and don’t even get me started on The Sims. I would still play that game.”

What do you mean you would still play it? It still exists. Wikipedia says The Sims 3 came out in 2009 and has sold over 10 million copies. 

 “I also used to make them “woohoo” and I thought I was being so sneaky and rebellious because my characters in a PG computer game were making babies…what.”

What?

3. “YoYos”

“You could just call me the yo-yo master.”

I could, but right now it would have to get in line behind a number of other options. 

4. “Kool Aid in a Bottle”

Once again, this still exists. They didn’t stop making them. I’m getting the feeling that maybe you just miss being a child rather than actually missing the time period of the nineties. 

Ohhhh, I get it. You’re making a statement about the childlike state that exists in all of us and that’s why you’re writing like a preteen and your work is littered with grammatical and punctuational errors. Thought Catalog, you’ve done it again. Sometimes societal commentaries are just over my head. This is why your stuff is so much more high brow than Buzzfeed. They’d be talking about stupid TV shows or something…

5. “TV Shows”

“Honestly I would do anything for some more seasons of All That, The Amanda Show, Rocket Power, Full House or Keenan and Kel. I wish my kids could have those shows growing up. Nowadays Disney’s and Nickelodeon’s shows are all a little too grown-up, in my opinion. I babysit a lot (which is why I watch this kind of stuff still..) and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be allowing the kids to watch these things! It’s a little ridiculous.”

I’m pretty sure Rocko’s Modern Life, Ren and Stimpy and Ed, Edd N Eddy were all really unsuitable for kids. Brain definitely beat the shit out of Pinky almost every episode. 

6. “Hit Clips”

“These were literally the coolest things ever at the time. Even though you could only listen to like 10 seconds of a song. I had a Britney Spears one and an N*SYNC one that I never went anywhere without. It’s so funny to me that these were like revolutionary for that time. And now we have iPods with touch screens and shit.”

Totes. It’s almost like we’ve replaced small, chopped down version of songs with chopped down, improper versions of the English language. 

“It was such a fun time to grow up. My roommates and I were talking about some of our all-time favorite movies from our childhood, and it’s crazy to think that some of them came out like twelve years ago already. Princess Diaries, Legally Blonde and Monster’s Inc – yeah, I was in 1st grade. Miss Congeniality- I was in kindergarten. It’s crazy.”

It is crazy. It’s crazy that there are people out there not reading Thought Catalog. How would they know what Brianna and her roommates’ favorite movies were? You might not have thought you missed these six things, but you do. If Thought Catalog says you miss them, you miss them. 

Jonny Auping

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