Vine Research and Development Meeting


January 25th, 2011. Vine Headquarters.

Don: How about 15 seconds?

Ralph: No, that’s too long.

Calen: I don’t even think a dog can ride a skateboard that long.

Don: Well, how long do you think it should be?

Ralph: I think the maximum length for a video should be seven seconds. Remember, the video will just loop over and over again so it doesn’t really matter if it’s short.

Don: Seven seconds? That’s so short. People are going to want something more substantial than a few seconds.

Ralph: People don’t care about substance. Their attention spans are basically the same as a cat’s. Look at the stuff they read on the Internet. It’s all lists and short little articles. They want a whole bunch of variety, but they don’t need any particular thing that they’re looking at to have any actual content. That way they can just jump from pointless thing to pointless thing and kill 45 minutes without blinking an eye.

Don: I guess you’re right, but this doesn’t just require viewers. It requires creators. We need our consumers to create Vines so that we have something to be viewed.

Calen: The dog could be wearing sunglasses while he rides a skateboard. 

Ralph: Well, that’s why we need the videos to be seven seconds. They are the ones creating the Vines. Do you think these people can make a video longer than seven seconds? They max out their ability to be funny, cool or interesting way before they hit 10 seconds. They all want to feel like directors and filmmakers and actors, but they don’t have the talent to make something that lasts as long as it takes to microwave a slice of pizza.

Calen: The dog will have to be a bulldog. Obviously. 

Don: You’re right. They’ll be a phenomena. If we pull this off, people will spend more time trying to make a Vines than it would take them to read a book. 

Ralph: Oh, that would be great. Give us five years and we’ll wipe documentaries off the face of the Earth. We’ll do to video what Twitter did to the written word. I wonder what people will Vine about.

Don: Who cares? They could put horse masks on and record themselves dancing for all I care.

Calen: What if…and hear me out….the bulldog was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. hahaha. OMG. Now that’s something I could watch on loop.

Ralph: Look Calen, I gave you a job because you’re my cousin and your mom pretty much made me. You’ve always been a little slow and I was worried that you would be more of a babysitting job for me. To be honest, I was really close to firing you until you came up with this brilliant Vine idea. I want to thank you for actually contributing something to this company. But why do you keep talking about a bulldog?

Calen: I just wanted to see a bulldog riding a skateboard. If I could see it on loop a bunch of times it would cheer me up when I get sad. Plus, I could watch it on loop when you guys are talking about boring stuff like how to give people content that will make them smarter. That’s why I wanted you to invent the Vine thing, so I could see the bulldog.

Ralph: What?! You mean you weren’t actually trying to help the company with a new product? You just wanted to mindlessly stare at some pointless video because it hurts your head to think for two minutes? We’re screwed. We have to come up with a new project.

Don: It’s too late. We’ve already sunk so much money into this.

Calen: That song “Ridin’ Dirty” should be playing when the bulldog is riding the skateboard.

-Jonny Auping

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