“Of Standard Mail, I’m just not a fan, 

I just don’t like all of the spam.

Call it junk mail or call them coupons, 

They are clunky and annoying, unlike Groupons.

Yesterday I bought their Daily Deal,

and today I used them for each and every meal.

I didn’t enjoy the chicken parm, 

but at 42% off, what’s the harm?

“Oh the places you’ll go, 

Oh the places you’ll see,

If you never say no

To a Groupon spree.

You’ll get a Segway Tour

Of the Petting Zoo

Or spend a few bucks fewer

For some bowling shoes.

You don’t have a pet,

But you know someone who does,

So buy that Memory Foam Pet Bed,

Just because.

You’re really not sure if you can take off of work,

But there’s a Groupon Getaway for three nights in New York.

While you’re there, why not reserve an “archery outing,”

Or buy a half-off manicure so your girlfriend stops pouting. 

A giant trampoline or another water slide,

It’s all so cheap, how dare you imply,

That it’s excessive or unnecessary.

That’s simply a lie. 

Horseback riding through a haunted house,

Or what about pole dancing lessons just for your spouse. 

You already have two iPads,

Whats’s one more?

Better buy a 70% off case,

Just to be sure.

My bank account’s low and just getting lower, 

But the Groupon offers are not coming slower, 

A couple offers a day,

For random stuff,

What can I say?

I can’t get enough.

I know it’s just a silly discount

And for my debt, they might jail me, 

But if I delete my account,

Then who will e-mail me?”

–Jonny Auping