Two Turtles React To Donald Sterling and Justin Bieber

 

two turtles

Harold and Brian are two neighbor turtles that commute to work every day. Their job is about 150 feet away, making it a 45-minute commute. This was their conversation Thursday morning:

“Hey Brian.”

“Hey Harold.”

“How have you been?”

“Pretty good. I’ve just been catching up on Game of Thrones. It’s really confusing. I have 16 siblings and 104 cousins, but that’s still about half as many characters as are on GOT.”

“My son, Franklin, watches that. It’s too violent for me. I don’t care if “Winter is coming.” I’ve saved up like two and a half berries. I’m ready.”

“Anyway, you hear about this Donald Sterling stuff?”

“Uhh…Yeah, it’s not exactly breaking news. People have been talking about that for weeks.”

“Yeah, well what can I say? Your son delivers the newspaper in my neighborhood. No offense, but he takes forever.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. We probably should make him get a different job. So what do you think of this Sterling guy?”

“He seems like a pretty big A-hole. I don’t understand why he gets so much attention for owning a team of crabs.”

“Crabs? What? He owns a basketball team.”

“Oh. Really? Then why are they called the Clippers?”

“Well..because…actually I have no idea.”

“Either way, he’s a huge racist. He doesn’t want his mistress photographed with black people? Why would that bother him? My wife can take pictures with whoever she wants. She could be taking pictures with a bunch of sea turtles right now and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little extreme to ban him from the NBA for life and make him sell his team? What happened to freedom of speech?”

“Well, he’s not getting thrown in jail. Freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want without personal consequence. If you tell your wife that her shell is looking tight then you won’t get thrown in jail, but you might have to find a new wife. Besides, the guy got two billion dollars. Do you have any idea how many berries you could buy with that kind of change? I don’t understand how human money works, but I’m thinking at least ten.”

“Oh shell yeah! I can only imagine. Dude’s probably swimming in berries. How about that mistress that recorded their conversation? She sounds like a real berry digger.”

“I don’t have a problem with her. She’s no hero, but I’m glad somebody exposed the old racist. He’s been discriminating for years, but only finally getting called out for it. There’s this one old tortoise that lives by me who always says the worst things to me about squirrels. I wish some good looking female would seduce him then expose his prejudice.”

“I bet that sexy little rabbit that comes around could do it. What’s her name? Lola? Not too bad on the eyes, am I right?”

“Keep it in your shell, Harold.”

“Speaking of racism, this Justin Bieber guy keeps doing the stupidest things. He’s like a snapping turtle, he just doesn’t know when to stop. That little baby man dropped the N-word and sang about being in the KKK.”

“I don’t think he’s racist like Donald Sterling. I think fame has just made him crazy. The kid has been totally shell-tered his entire life. He has no awareness.”

“Yeah, he always does something stupid then looks completely shell shocked when people get mad. He reminds me of that one guy, Yertle.”

“The turtle?”

“No, the other Yertle. Of course the turtle. Anyway, guy couldn’t handle the fame after that human doctor wrote a book about him. Totally lost it. I head he’s on that syrup now. Doesn’t know where he is half the time.”

“I’ve heard of syrup. What is it?”

“I don’t really know. I think humans put it on their pancakes.”

“Humans are weird.”

“I know. You wouldn’t catch me saying anything hurtful about any other type of turtle.”

I guess we’re here. What were you thinking about for lunch?”

“I was kind of craving a berry. You don’t happen to have any on you, do you?”

“Who do I look like, Donald Sterling?”

“LOL”

Jonny Auping

For Two Turtles reacting to Miley Cyrus at the VMAs click here.

For Two Turtles reacting to the Duck Dynasty  controversy click here.

For Two Turtles reacting to Katy Perry’s Geisha performance click here.

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