Uber Ambulances: Bleed Out in Luxury

uber

Over the past five years the tech company Uber has made huge splashes all over the country. The trendy app/website, which allows you to order a ride through a mobile app and track the car’s progress as it approaches,  has completely revolutionized the world of transportation and the company is now valued at over 18 billion dollars.

Their enormous success has not come without its share of opposition, however. Taxi and transportation commissions have strongly opposed Uber’s business tactics and accused them of operating as “unlicensed taxis.” Their shifting prices and fares are harder to regulate than most taxi cabs as Uber is its own separate business. There are still large cities around the country that have yet to allow Uber to operate legally within the city.

The people at Uber are clearly unafraid of opposition considering their newest venture is likely to upset people far beyond the Yellow Cab industry. This upcoming Fall, the company plans to launch Uber Ambulances, an efficient upscale medical service that will take you to the hospital through the Uber Ambulance app.

The process is simple. A customer suffers a serious injury and rather than calling 911 and waiting for an ambulance, which can be very expensive, they simply plug in their location to the Uber Ambulance. Within minutes they will receive a text telling them the name of their driver with a tracking device showing them how close the driver is to picking them up.

“It’s going to change the medical field forever,” claims company president John Uber. “When you get shot in the face do you really want to deal with a 911 operator? I mean who even talks on the phone anymore, anyway? Plus, paying for an ambulance is tricky, I think you have to use ObamaCare or something. With Uber Ambulances you can just pay upfront with your Uber account.”

So far test cases have shown mixed results.

Mike Leonard was hit by a bus and used Uber Ambulance to get to the hospital.

“I mean, I’m still alive, so I guess it worked. I typed in my location and my injury and within minutes it told me that ‘Phillip’ was on his way in a gray Range Rover. Then I got another text asking how bad I was bleeding and whether Phillip should put down sheets in his back seat to protect his leather seats. It also asked if I wanted to tag any friends in my ambulance experience. Most of my fingers were broken so I declined.”

Like the Uber taxi experience, one of the biggest factors that separates the Uber Ambulance is all the amenities that come with the ride. Creative leader John Goober elaborated on the experience.

“We can pretty much guarantee it will be more fun than any ambulance ride you’ve ever had. Each ambulance has a mini-fridge that carries Fiji water and Greek yogurt. While you wait for your ambulance’s arrival you can also create your own Spotify playlist to listen to on your way to the hospital. We’re even thinking about putting a First Aid kit under the driver’s seat with band-aids and stuff. Oh, and the Beats by Dre headphones! I almost forgot!”

No medical experience is required to be an Uber Ambulance driver, although most of the current drivers who are signed up failed out of nursing school at some point in their lives.

Uber plans to offer plenty of promotions to kick off the venture. If it’s your first broken bone using Uber Ambulance then you get $10 dollars credited to your account. If you refer a friend who needs to be taken to the ICU then your next ride will be free.

While the Uber Ambulances do not have the authority to turn on a siren and run red lights they do offer small talk from the driver about how long he has worked for Uber and what the gig is like.

At press time emergency room doctors were urging the public to not use Uber Ambulance and to instead rely on actual medical professionals.

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

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