Americans, myself included, have done a great job of pretending to care about the World Cup this year. I know I’ve done a pretty admirable job of rephrasing the dozen or so things I know about soccer for the past few weeks. America is like the popular kid who was about to make fun of some other kids for liking Pokemon before realizing that every other kid likes Pokemon so he better pretend he’s always liked Pokemon too. Soccer is Pokemon in this analogy. Try to keep up.
“Jozy Altidore is hurt? Are you kidding me? He’s been one of our best players since I heard his name for the first time last week.”
Don’t challenge America to a blind patriotism/drinking contest because we will accept that challenge any day of the week. Not only will we pack bars and chant “U-S-A” constantly, but we will also send Snap Chats of the bar’s reaction after each U.S. goal. Brazil, Mexico and Chile can live in the moment, we’d rather live in 10 seconds glimpses of our friends’ lives forty minutes later.
But how can FIFA and ESPN really get the American people to truly embrace World Cup Soccer?
Emojis saved Americans from having to learn how to read and write, I’m pretty sure they can help us through the World Cup. You may not know the origins of Emojis. At one point a couple years ago America confronted Japan and we were like, “Hey, we are America and we are just as good at building things as you are! You better watch out!” and Japan was like, “here, play with these,” and we were like “AWESOME!”
I honestly spent about an hour trying to think of an article that involved every country in the World Cup being represented by a different Emoji, but I just couldn’t imagine a scenario in which it didn’t end up being super racist. Instead, I’m offering a way to incorporate emojis into the soccer watching process to keep Americans interested rather than just staring blankly, waiting for a goal.
A giant emoji will appear on the screen in certain situations to help explain what is happening. Here are a few examples.
Praying Hands Emoji
America is an underdog and currently trailing in the game. The hands symbolize prayer, which symbolizes eventual victory, which symbolizes God’s preference of our country over other countries.
Mustache Man Emoji
A foreign team is taking the field. We are suspicious of men with mustaches. As Americans, we are also suspicious of foreigners.
Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji
There is about to be a penalty kick or otherwise high intensity event in a crucial moment of the game. When you see the Monkey Covering Eyes Emoji it’s a good time to take a dramatic sip of beer and turn your face to your friend while keeping your eyes on the screen and say, “This is huge.”
Monkey Covering Ears Emoji
An announcer, probably with some stupid accent of a country not as cool as ours, is saying something negative about Team USA. While you don’t understand the intricacies of soccer enough to know whether or not the statement is true, it’s a good time to turn to your friend and say “that’s bullshit.”
The referee made a call against Team USA. Naturally, he is a pile of poop with eyeballs and a mouth.
Strong Arm Emoji
A simple reminder that even if other countries are more coordinated than us we are still stronger and could crush them if need be.
Party Popper Emoji
The U.S. scored a goal! Start yelling and jumping and inadvertently spilling beer on the American flag that you brought to the bar and have already let hit the ground like ten times.
Girl in Red Dress Emoji
This doesn’t mean anything, she’s just going to check in on you periodically so you don’t lose focus.
Something good happened other than a goal. You don’t actually understand what happened or why it was good, but you should turn to your friend and say “that was nice.”
‘I’m Here To Help You’ Lady Emoji
It’s halftime. People will now come on the screen to explain what happened in the first half. You don’t have to listen, though. You can use this time to order another beer and talk about real football and how you can’t believe all the other countries stole its name and used it for their sport.
‘No Way’ Lady Emoji
There was a yellow card or red card on the other team. Get ready for the replay because you are supposed to say “Oh c’mon! You can’t do that!”
The US won! Order a beer. Drink it and explain why your country is better than every other country because of soccer.
Two Beers Emoji
The US lost! Order two beers. Drink them and explain why your country is better than every other country because soccer is stupid.
The World Cup games are over for the day. You barely know anything about soccer, but no one noticed. You fooled the entire bar. You sly, American, you.