For part of my childhood, I was determined to become a famous Hollywood actor when I grew up.
Now, I didn’t always have this career aspiration. Actually, for the first eight years of my life, I had no aspirations at all. I was perfectly content being the gap-toothed kid who constantly got in trouble at school for eating rollie pollies during recess.
In 2002, things changed. After being absolutely mesmerized by Brendan Fraser’s Oscar-worthy performance in “The Mummy Returns”, I immediately knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted that Brendan Fraser money, and I wanted those Brendan Fraser honeys.
Motivated by my new dream, I tried out for the lead male role in my middle school’s upcoming rendition of “Romeo and Juliet”. I knew that if I could just secure this gig, my stunning portrayal of Romeo would attract the top Hollywood scouts, and I’d be be living that Fraser life in no time.
Alas, it was not meant to be. Instead of securing the lead role of “Romeo”, I was cast as a lesser-known character called “tree in background”. (nailed it, for the record.)
While my acting career may have been short-lived, my affinity for movies has remained. I’ve even got a few ideas for what movies should be made next. I have no doubt in my mind that these films are bound to become classics. Just Venmo me later, Hollywood:
50 Shades of Foreplay:
This PG-rated film shows two tight-bodied 20-somethings about to get real kinky, but cuts out right before you see anything cool.
Fast and Furious 9:
Three words. Ghost Paul Walker.
Mission: Impossible 5:
Tom Cruise tries to get his career back on track.
How To Train Your Children To Realize Dragons (And Their Dreams) Aren’t Real:
Starring Ghost Paul Walker.
Liar Liar 2:
In 7th grade, this girl named Becky farted during Spanish class. Red-faced, she turned around and looked at me, immediately announcing to the class, “OMG Clark farted!”
My classmates roared with laughter….it was almost as if they didn’t realize that farts were simply just flatulence brought to the rectum by specialized contractions of the muscles in the intestines and colon.
What the hell Becky? We both know it was you, not me. You totally farted, you dick.
Toy Story 4:
Andy finds a different type of toy that comes to life in his girlfriend’s bedside drawer.
The OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST Network:
The captivating tale of young Mark Zuckerberg and his creation of a ground-breaking social media site that finally gave racist simpletons a chance to share their thoughts.
Lego Movie 2:
Just a constant loop of your dad cursing after stepping on the legos you left out.
That Seabiscuit guy gets bit by a radioactive spider and dies. The end.
Literally just biscuits in the ocean.
Gone In 16 Seconds:
A movie about a guy who swears this never happens, its just been a while, ok?
After nearly drowning, the Titanic sets out for revenge on that evil iceberg. Starring Liam Nesson as the Titanic.
Harold and Kumar Just Ate White Castle:
90 minutes of two friends sitting on the toilet, discussing how miserable their decision to eat White Castle was.
The Grand Holiday Inn Express Hotel:
A quirky indie film about a hotel with a built-in Bennigans near the freeway in Dayton, Ohio.
I Know What You Did Last Summer:
Because I crept all the way into the “70 weeks old” photos on your Instagram.