The year is 2019. President Trump has successfully built a $140 billion wall at the border, but people desperate enough to pay $2,000, trust their lives in the hands of a “coyotaje,” and abandon everything except for the clothes on their back still try to flee to Mexico.
Draft Kings and Fan Duel are the only entities that are keeping the economy from collapsing on itself. Lives were ruined, bank accounts were depleted, and relationships were destroyed when Vice President Gronkowski infamously dropped the game-winning touchdown in Super Bowl LII, sending the millions of Americans who drafted him into economic desolateness. Somehow only Prime Minister Goodell knew not to draft him. Sadly, all forms of economic aid have been abolished, although each year Americans can still qualify for entry into one free Draft Kings or Fan Duel tournament when they enter the promo code “HANDOUT.”
But things are not as grim as they may appear, fellow Americans. While many of you have stopped trusting your money with Daily Fantasy Sports, there is now a new way to change your life for the better.
Daily Fantasy Uber.
Do you Uber every day? Do you know which Uber drivers can navigate from West Hollywood to Pasadena in record speed? Or which one will find the perfect spot to pick you up at Madison Square Garden after a Knicks game? Think you can put your knowledge on the line against other Uber experts?
With Draft Rides you don’t have to worry about suspended licenses or getting stuck rooting for one Uber driver all year long. There are no year-long commitments. It’s simple: Just enter a contest, pick your driver, and win big.
You can enter tournaments for 5-15 minute estimated rides, 15-30 minute estimated rides, 30 minutes to an hour estimated rides, or go big with our daily million-dollar hour-plus contests. Draft Rides will monitor your driver as they go to pick up their customer so you can keep track of where they rank.
The scoring can vary from contest to contest, but our most basic scoring is as follows:
-Driver arrives to desination 1/3 more efficiently than their estimated ride length= 75 points
-Cold water bottles offered to customers = 5 points
-Coconut water bottles offered to customers = 10 points
-Speeds through yellow light = 15 points
-Doesn’t leave for 10 minutes because their Uber app “is being weird” = -10 points
-Plays Taylor Swift = 5 points
-Talks about Taylor Swift = -5 points
-Provides AUX chord for customer to play their music = 10 points
-Murders customer = -74 points
-Smells good = 5 points
-Smells bad = -6 points
-Pitches customer his/her idea for a new app = -10 points
-Pitches customer his/her idea for a new app using the term “Uber but for…” = 15 points
-Is actually a Cash Cab = Between $25-$1,000
-Is actually a Taxi Cab Confession =5 very sad points
-Drives customer through fast food drive-thru = 25 points
-Has a DUI = -50 points
-Gets a DUI = -100 points
-Is former presidential candidate Bernie Sanders = 100 points
-Is former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee = -100 points
So that’s the basic scoring. Pretty simple. Sure, most of the people that set up the scoring and compete are Uber drivers themselves, but we don’t really understand how that’s a conflict of interest. So, act now and enter promo code “INSIDER” to get 5 dollars towards your next entry.