16 Brussel Sprouts That Are Having a Worse Day Than You

It’s only Tuesday. Ugh. It’s going to be awhile before the weekend roles around and nothing seems to be going right for you. Your check-engine light just turned on, you poured a bowl of cereal before realizing you don’t have any milk and your phone’s 4G is being really annoying. Well, maybe this will cheer you up. Here are 14 Brussel Sprouts that are having a way worse day than you are.

The eight brussel sprouts next to the stalk are only 2.1 centimeters in diameter as opposed to the typical 2.5-4 centimeters that brussel sprout farmers are accustomed to finding.

A slightly below average sized brussel sprout? That’s about as useful to a brussel sprout farmer as a can opener is to a penguin. 

This goofy sprout lacks the proper amount of glucosinolates compounds that help reduce the bitterness that would otherwise be found in many edible brussel sprouts. Talk about a bad day for this Bitter Betty.

This ragtag gang of brussel sprouts were served to a heart patient who is regularly prescribed anticoagulants, which, as we all know, is a huge no-no considering excessive brussel sprout intake isn’t recommended to such people because the high levels of Vitamin K  could lead to blood clotting. Talk about embarrassing. 

This brussel sprout was yelled at by Kanye West for not standing during his concert. Is it Friday yet? It is just not this Brussel sprout’s week. 

I hope you feel better.

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

SnapChat EVERYTHING: 7 Technology Tips For Freshman

It’s been six years since I was a nervous freshman on a college campus. We barely had color TVs back then. It’s a whole new world out there now, but as a twenty-something who graduated college I am an expert on both technology and pathetically reminiscing about the glory days. This comes with great responsibility and I consider it my duty to make sure incoming freshman putting futons under an elevated bed because it “really takes advantage of the space” are properly prepared to have the most technologically fulfilling college experience they can. 

Here are a few tips:

1. SnapChat EVERYTHING

Your parents probably told you that you will spend the next four years gathering memories that will last a lifetime. Well, they are really old and don’t know anything. Those memories should last ten seconds max. When you and your roommate go to your first party together make sure you split up and send snap chats to each other of what the party looks like from each side of the apartment. It’s the best way to experience it. 

If you have what feels like one of those life-changing moments like meeting the person you want to marry, finding the career you want to pursue or joining a group of people you think really understand you then how is it not your My Story? What are you even doing? 

2. If You Wouldn’t Swipe Right Don’t Talk to Her/Him

Tinder has introduced us to a new level of shallowness and vanity. Why not apply that to your formative years? You are never going to find the person you love without first judging them by their three most attractive pictures. 

Someone walking up to you in the quad? Are they a swipe-left-person? Then don’t go have lunch with them. Don’t study with them. Say no when they ask, “don’t we have Spanish 110 together?” Make note of any sorority or fraternity they are in as it may include more swipe-lefties.

Remember, if we don’t use Tinder the ugly people will win

3. Assume Your Professors Double as Uber Drivers

EVERYONE is an Uber driver these days. It’s a down economy. If your teacher isn’t tenured then chances are they are also an Uber driver. Live on the other side of campus or in an apartment off campus? Just hop in Professor Miller’s black SUV after class. No need to set it up on your phone, he knows you, you’re that kid that answered that one question. It’s perfect because it can double as office hours.

Remember, Uber drivers don’t accept tips. Don’t insult them. 

4. Live Tweet Every Class

Obviously, I don’t mean to live tweet every class by yourself. That would just be ridiculous. Get together with a few classmates and form a schedule allowing you to take turns live-tweeting class. This will enable you to avoid having to attend every class as the notes will be available in a string of 140-character tweets. It will also teach you a valuable lesson in synergy that will be applicable to the real world. 

5. Trade Your Meal Plan in For Bitcoins

I’m not really sure what bitcoins are, but I live in the real world and I’m fairly certain they are going to be extremely valuable. Be ahead of the pack and grab as many as you can. Besides, someone can just sneak you leftovers from the cafeteria, assuming they would swipe right for you. 

6. Pick Up E-Smoking

This isn’t high school. You’re not going to be popular just being yourself. 

“Check out that handsome rebel with the clunky e-cig by the fountain? I would go talk to him, but there’s no way he’s single.”

That’s what the girls will be saying when they see you puffing on that coconut and sweet pineapple vapor.

7. Expose the Person on Campus with an HBO GO Account

Someone on that campus has an HBO GO account. Find them and expose them. You’ll be a hero. It’s scientifically proven that an entire campus can survive off just one HBO GO account. You don’t want to miss Game of Thrones and neither does the rest of the class of 2018. Do whatever it takes to get that password, even if it means cuddling up with a swipe-lefty. 

-Jonny Auping

Farts and Depression: Something to Take From Robin Williams’ Death

“I don’t believe it. He always seemed so happy.”

Some form of that sentence was said all across America in the days following Robin Williams’ suicide. It seemed unfathomable that a man who could appear so unabashedly cheerful and hilarious on screen could possibly have the desire to kill himself. 

Well, Robin Williams was an actor. Appearing to be something other than himself was his chosen profession. He doesn’t actually wear drag and babysit for money, he has never fought Captain Hook, he doesn’t actually have a disorder that forces him to age too quickly, he didn’t invent Flubber and he was definitely not always happy.  

Williams appeared happy for millions of other people most likely for the same three reasons most people of his profession do: he was paid to do so, he possessed talent and passion for acting and, hopefully, he could make other people happy in the process. All three of those ring true.

However, there’s another possibility: It was the easiest way to mask severe unhappiness. We don’t know all the details of Williams’ mindset and situation prior to his death nor am I anything resembling an expert on depression or mental illness so forgive me for speaking in generalities going forward. People with depression don’t wear a sign around informing people of their struggle. There might be a few telltale signs, but they are not universal. If there’s anything to be learned from Williams’ death it’s that you never know who might be suffering the most.

Considering there are incredible and inspiring scenes of Williams in films like Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, Hook, Aladin, Patch Adams and even the graduation speech from Jack, you could argue I did a poor job of choosing a Robin Williams’ video clip to show for this story. But I took some time to think about it and I want to show this clip of Williams and a bunch of kids farting into a can.

Scientifically speaking, I’m not sure that collecting farts in a coffee can and lighting a match will really cause an explosion, but I chose this scene from Jack for a couple reasons. It’s typical Robin Williams; being silly and ridiculous, not caring about how his comedy will be received by critics and causing uncontrollable laughter of children, the least cynical of us all.

But more importantly, I chose it because it provides a vague metaphor. Jack and those kids collected those farts until the can couldn’t even be opened without causing one of them to lose consciousness. As they passed it around and farted in it, nothing notably changed about the tin can. The sides didn’t dent. It did not become heavier or look unable to withstand more farts. But when they lit a match and dropped it in the can it caused an explosion louder and more powerful than any one fart. It was like a super-fart and thank God it didn’t kill them all. 

So goes depression and other forms of mental illness. Each blow can seem inconsquential to everyone but the victim. It can build up very slowly, but the final straw can turn out to be tragic. In society, we often wait until that match is lit to wonder what we could have done differently. 

The Detroit Free Press claims that, “research tells us that psychotherapy, or talk therapy, may be the best option for those suffering from mild to moderate levels of depression….Friends and family members play critical roles in helping depressed men.” 

People with depression need someone to talk to. They may need to talk about their problems or they may just need to know there is someone out there happily willing to talk to them about anything. We can’t measure what loneliness does to depression, but no problem has ever been made worse by someone else genuinely offering to listen to it. Feeling alone in this world can suck the joy out of anything that once made you happy. People can seem popular, or have money or look happy, but the only way you can truly know that they don’t feel alone is if you are the one providing that companionship. 

Physiological diseases are awful. The need to raise money for them is crucial because hope will always remain that it could lead to a cure. Some day we will find a cure to cancer and even a way to prevent it. I believe that. But depression will exist as long as we do. Unhappiness is real, but like a can full of farts, it’s basically intangible. 

I have a theory about depression. It’s a theory of degrees. I don’t mean to contradict any medical or psychological facts that are proven, it’s just a theory. I think that we all suffer from some form of depression. Things make us unhappy and certain things make us flat out miserable. It’s when those different degrees of things happen at the wrong time and come together in the wrong way that we can cross a line and become clinically depressed. It’s not a matter of weakness. It’s a matter of chance and accumulation. It’s a matter of filling up that can. It could happen to any of us. It’s in our best interest to be there for one another. A few conversations can make all the difference. If someone is too deep in that hole than it becomes your responsibility to convince them to seek help. We don’t know what degrees of unhappiness got them there, unless you’re a professional, it’s not our place to say what degrees of help will get them out. But that’s why we try. The smallest degree at the right time might help in the biggest way.

We don’t know what exactly Robin Williams was going through and I don’t mean to imply that one person could have saved him. What he taught us, though, is not to assume. Don’t assume happiness and don’t assume strength. We can provide each other that strength and that can lead to happiness. There’s probably someone in your life whom you can’t name a person they are really close to. Don’t assume they have people you don’t know about to talk to. Be one of those people and you won’t have to assume. It might seem like nothing, but if you poke the smallest hole in that tin can, you never know, a bunch of farts might escape through. Anything to avoid that explosion.

-Jonny Auping

 

Uber Ambulances: Bleed Out in Luxury

uber

Over the past five years the tech company Uber has made huge splashes all over the country. The trendy app/website, which allows you to order a ride through a mobile app and track the car’s progress as it approaches,  has completely revolutionized the world of transportation and the company is now valued at over 18 billion dollars.

Their enormous success has not come without its share of opposition, however. Taxi and transportation commissions have strongly opposed Uber’s business tactics and accused them of operating as “unlicensed taxis.” Their shifting prices and fares are harder to regulate than most taxi cabs as Uber is its own separate business. There are still large cities around the country that have yet to allow Uber to operate legally within the city.

The people at Uber are clearly unafraid of opposition considering their newest venture is likely to upset people far beyond the Yellow Cab industry. This upcoming Fall, the company plans to launch Uber Ambulances, an efficient upscale medical service that will take you to the hospital through the Uber Ambulance app.

The process is simple. A customer suffers a serious injury and rather than calling 911 and waiting for an ambulance, which can be very expensive, they simply plug in their location to the Uber Ambulance. Within minutes they will receive a text telling them the name of their driver with a tracking device showing them how close the driver is to picking them up.

“It’s going to change the medical field forever,” claims company president John Uber. “When you get shot in the face do you really want to deal with a 911 operator? I mean who even talks on the phone anymore, anyway? Plus, paying for an ambulance is tricky, I think you have to use ObamaCare or something. With Uber Ambulances you can just pay upfront with your Uber account.”

So far test cases have shown mixed results.

Mike Leonard was hit by a bus and used Uber Ambulance to get to the hospital.

“I mean, I’m still alive, so I guess it worked. I typed in my location and my injury and within minutes it told me that ‘Phillip’ was on his way in a gray Range Rover. Then I got another text asking how bad I was bleeding and whether Phillip should put down sheets in his back seat to protect his leather seats. It also asked if I wanted to tag any friends in my ambulance experience. Most of my fingers were broken so I declined.”

Like the Uber taxi experience, one of the biggest factors that separates the Uber Ambulance is all the amenities that come with the ride. Creative leader John Goober elaborated on the experience.

“We can pretty much guarantee it will be more fun than any ambulance ride you’ve ever had. Each ambulance has a mini-fridge that carries Fiji water and Greek yogurt. While you wait for your ambulance’s arrival you can also create your own Spotify playlist to listen to on your way to the hospital. We’re even thinking about putting a First Aid kit under the driver’s seat with band-aids and stuff. Oh, and the Beats by Dre headphones! I almost forgot!”

No medical experience is required to be an Uber Ambulance driver, although most of the current drivers who are signed up failed out of nursing school at some point in their lives.

Uber plans to offer plenty of promotions to kick off the venture. If it’s your first broken bone using Uber Ambulance then you get $10 dollars credited to your account. If you refer a friend who needs to be taken to the ICU then your next ride will be free.

While the Uber Ambulances do not have the authority to turn on a siren and run red lights they do offer small talk from the driver about how long he has worked for Uber and what the gig is like.

At press time emergency room doctors were urging the public to not use Uber Ambulance and to instead rely on actual medical professionals.

-Jonny Auping

 

 

 

Oh the Places You’ll Go….With Groupon

 

junk mail

“Of Standard Mail, I’m just not a fan, 

I just don’t like all of the spam.

Call it junk mail or call them coupons, 

They are clunky and annoying, unlike Groupons.

Yesterday I bought their Daily Deal,

and today I used them for each and every meal.

I didn’t enjoy the chicken parm, 

but at 42% off, what’s the harm?

segway

“Oh the places you’ll go, 

Oh the places you’ll see,

If you never say no

To a Groupon spree.

You’ll get a Segway Tour

Of the Petting Zoo

Or spend a few bucks fewer

For some bowling shoes.

You don’t have a pet,

But you know someone who does,

So buy that Memory Foam Pet Bed,

Just because.

You’re really not sure if you can take off of work,

But there’s a Groupon Getaway for three nights in New York.

While you’re there, why not reserve an “archery outing,”

Or buy a half-off manicure so your girlfriend stops pouting. 

A giant trampoline or another water slide,

It’s all so cheap, how dare you imply,

That it’s excessive or unnecessary.

That’s simply a lie. 

Horseback riding through a haunted house,

Or what about pole dancing lessons just for your spouse. 

You already have two iPads,

Whats’s one more?

Better buy a 70% off case,

Just to be sure.

pet foam

My bank account’s low and just getting lower, 

But the Groupon offers are not coming slower, 

A couple offers a day,

For random stuff,

What can I say?

I can’t get enough.

groupon iphone

I know it’s just a silly discount

And for my debt, they might jail me, 

But if I delete my account,

Then who will e-mail me?”

Jonny Auping

 

 

 

Vine Research and Development Meeting

vine

January 25th, 2011. Vine Headquarters.

Don: How about 15 seconds?

Ralph: No, that’s too long.

Calen: I don’t even think a dog can ride a skateboard that long.

Don: Well, how long do you think it should be?

Ralph: I think the maximum length for a video should be seven seconds. Remember, the video will just loop over and over again so it doesn’t really matter if it’s short.

Don: Seven seconds? That’s so short. People are going to want something more substantial than a few seconds.

Ralph: People don’t care about substance. Their attention spans are basically the same as a cat’s. Look at the stuff they read on the Internet. It’s all lists and short little articles. They want a whole bunch of variety, but they don’t need any particular thing that they’re looking at to have any actual content. That way they can just jump from pointless thing to pointless thing and kill 45 minutes without blinking an eye.

Don: I guess you’re right, but this doesn’t just require viewers. It requires creators. We need our consumers to create Vines so that we have something to be viewed.

Calen: The dog could be wearing sunglasses while he rides a skateboard. 

Ralph: Well, that’s why we need the videos to be seven seconds. They are the ones creating the Vines. Do you think these people can make a video longer than seven seconds? They max out their ability to be funny, cool or interesting way before they hit 10 seconds. They all want to feel like directors and filmmakers and actors, but they don’t have the talent to make something that lasts as long as it takes to microwave a slice of pizza.

Calen: The dog will have to be a bulldog. Obviously. 

Don: You’re right. They’ll be a phenomena. If we pull this off, people will spend more time trying to make a Vines than it would take them to read a book. 

Ralph: Oh, that would be great. Give us five years and we’ll wipe documentaries off the face of the Earth. We’ll do to video what Twitter did to the written word. I wonder what people will Vine about.

Don: Who cares? They could put horse masks on and record themselves dancing for all I care.

Calen: What if…and hear me out….the bulldog was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. hahaha. OMG. Now that’s something I could watch on loop.

Ralph: Look Calen, I gave you a job because you’re my cousin and your mom pretty much made me. You’ve always been a little slow and I was worried that you would be more of a babysitting job for me. To be honest, I was really close to firing you until you came up with this brilliant Vine idea. I want to thank you for actually contributing something to this company. But why do you keep talking about a bulldog?

Calen: I just wanted to see a bulldog riding a skateboard. If I could see it on loop a bunch of times it would cheer me up when I get sad. Plus, I could watch it on loop when you guys are talking about boring stuff like how to give people content that will make them smarter. That’s why I wanted you to invent the Vine thing, so I could see the bulldog.

Ralph: What?! You mean you weren’t actually trying to help the company with a new product? You just wanted to mindlessly stare at some pointless video because it hurts your head to think for two minutes? We’re screwed. We have to come up with a new project.

Don: It’s too late. We’ve already sunk so much money into this.

Calen: That song “Ridin’ Dirty” should be playing when the bulldog is riding the skateboard.

-Jonny Auping

Buzzfeed Poached and Murdered ZooBooks: An Investigative Report

zoobooks lion

Maybe it wasn’t Buzzfeed. Maybe it was just the Internet in general. Or maybe it was us, the consumers. 

But somewhere along the way ZooBooks were murdered by poachers. 

Like most greedy ventures this one started small. Household pets like cats and dogs were featured on every website ever created. Even CNN.com had a video category called “Just a Distraction,” consisting mostly of cat videos. Nearly every child has access to an iPad allowing them to see the final result of insane (yet extremely patient) pet owners forcing their confused pets to do something adorable while they spend embarrassingly long amounts of time trying to catch the desired act or image on their phones.

This sweeping sensation served no immediate threat to ZooBooks. The appeal of the colorful and thin magazines was not everyday animals that you could find at PetSmart. The appeal was seeing images of exotic animals that could only be found in foreign countries or remote locations or, yes, even zoos. Like the descriptions near each exhibit at the zoo, the words were rarely read in ZooBooks, people only stared at the pictures. 

zoo books m

Little did they know, something big was lurking around the corner….something that would bring them to the brink of extinction.

No child actually knew where ZooBooks came from, they just sort of appeared. 

In the late nineties, ZooBooks were so prosperous that children would have access to them without having to even seek them out.

“I’m pretty sure I never paid any money for a ZooBook,” says former child, Gerald. “But there was always a new one on that table in the living room where things sort of pile up. There was also usually one just barely sticking out from under the couch. Don’t even get me started on the dentist’s office waiting room.”

Unfortunately, ZooBooks can no longer be found in those places. 

The websites became greedy. They stopped focusing on household pets. They began to realize that people could be distracted by animals all over the world. They started targeting some of the key animals featured in ZooBooks. When the Internet learned of the distracting power of sea lions and pandas it was the beginning of the end for the rainbow colored publication. 

The death nail was Buzzfeed’s creation of the “Cute” button. With it came hundreds of animals doing adorable things. Buzzfeed didn’t come with accredited stamps of approval from accredited zoologists, but it was no matter. They made people say “awwhhh.”

18 Facts To Help You Appreciate Manatees.”  

Giraffe Kisses Dying Zoo Keeper Goodbye.”

How could ZooBooks possibly compete with this? Slowly, they began to die off, as their habitat had been ransacked by people taking breaks from quizzes to determine which Rugrats character they are.

I made it my mission to find a ZooBook and, hopefully, preserve hope that they have not all fallen extinct. Unfortunately, every magazine rack I checked was void of the randomly colored magazine. After days of research seconds of googling, I found that ZooBooks still has a website. What I saw upon clicking the link was comprable to witnessing a family of polar bears slowly die as they watch their arctic climate melt away.

zoo books p

The website looked like it had not been updated since the nineties. There were very few options to click on. Yet, I did find the hope that I was looking for:  Zoobies (for ages 0-3), Zootles (ages 3-6) and ZooBooks are still being sold at a subscription price of $29.95 a year. 

Perhaps the most daunting result of the vicious poaching that has been going on for years is this poorly constructed video made in attempt to keep ZooBooks on the market.

Pause the video at 0:26. The face on the baby says it all. She wants panda GIF’s. 

Environmentalists are still trying to save ZooBooksEfforts have been made to reinsert them into school settings, but many children already have iPhones and ignore the magazines altogether.

“There are still ways to save them,” claims magazine rights activists Janet Moore. “If we buy these magazines for children before we expose them to Buzzfeed, then they can learn that reading about interesting things is fun and you can actually learn instead of just constantly trying to find the next thing to distract yourself for 45 seconds.”

At press time the actual number of ZooBooks in existence is unknown, but they have been classified as endangered. 

Jonny Auping

The Buzzfeed Dictionary

I recently found out that a lot of people think I hate Buzzfeed. That’s not actually true. I do think their website looks like a McDonald’s drive-thru menu, but I don’t hate them. In fact, their long-form section actually offers some very good features on occasion, including this story on Mexico’s “Monkey Woman.

However, no one thinks about long form writing when they think about Buzzfeed. That’s because they hook their readers with much more scattered and trendy forms of content. If you’re someone like me who is more accustomed to actual pieces of writing with an introduction, a narrative, sentence structure and a conclusion then you might be a little thrown off by the way Buzzfeed operates. You might have no idea what’s going on.

So to prove to the good people at Buzzfeed that I don’t hate their website I decided to make a dictionary defining all the most common terms you might come across on the site. This can serve as a guide for someone who is new to the site.

You’re welcome.

Cute (adj.) – Cats. Dogs. Hamsters. Penguins. Jennifer Lawrence.

Example: “This Video of a Penguin Chasing Her Human Friend is the Absolute Cutest.”

Everyone (pro.) – Some people. Used to imply that certain demographics will feel a certain way about something.

Example: “22 Worries Everyone Has During Pilates

Fail (noun or verb…not really sure) – When someone makes a mistake. Sometimes it will be epic.

fail

Example: “The Truth Behind the Most Epic Twerk Fail Ever.”

GIF (n.) – A two second video on loop with a caption. It often features a celebrity or recognizable situation. The GIF accompanies the actual content of the article in order to make the content seem substantial.

Common synonym: Buzzfeed article

22 Struggles Of Binge-Watching A Show

Humanity (n.) – Something that your faith apparently needs to be restored in. It will be done with the help of “Ways” and “Things.”

Examples: “21 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity.”

List (n.) – A foreign word that is never used on Buzzfeed. Those who say the website is simply a compilation of lists are committing an (epic) fail.

Memes (n.) – recurring pictures with captions that are relatable and clever. Used in place of legitimate writing  content.

Example:

Proof (n.) Examples for something that is not actually true. Not definitive.

Example: “Definitive Proof That Jennifer Lawrence is a Fainting Goat.”

Quiz (n.) – How one determines which character they are in a sitcom. Jess from New Girl will be advertised as a possibility, but will be an unlikely final result.

Example: “Which ‘Boy Meets World’ Character are You?

Reasons (n.) – Justification to do something that is likely irrational through the use of bullet points, lists, GIFs and memes. See also: Tips and Ways.

Example: “10 Scientific Reasons to Eat More Pizza.”

Signs (n.) – Examples of how two different entities are actually the same entity.

Example: “23 Signs Jane Lane From ‘Daria’ is Actually You’re Spirit Animal.”

Shocking (adj.) – Slightly surprising.

Example: “17 Shocking Food Facts That Will Make You Question Everything.”

Struggles (n.) – A list of burdens that only certain kinds of people will understand. The burdens will be extremely insignificant in comparison to most world problems.

Example: “29 Struggles Only People With Big Butts Will Understand.

Things (n.) – The only word that can describe all of the topics that are discussed in one Buzzfeed article and could never be related to each other without the help of GIFs.

Example: “99 Things That Suck Less Than Your Unpaid Internship.”

Tips (n.) – Instructions that should not be taken literally or even followed in any sense. See also: Ways and Reasons.

Example: “9 Foolproof Flirting Tips for the Socially Awkward.”

Totally (adv.) – An unnecessary word used in the title of an article meant to imply that you will relate with nearly every point that is made in the article. Unacceptable in most other common forms of writing.

Example: “Michelle Branch’s Music Still Totally Holds Up.

Ways (n.) – Overly simple advice that should never be put into effect upon reading. Also used to explain how two unrelated things are somehow related, typically with the help of GIFs.

Example: “29 Ways to Be the Worst Person at Starbucks.”

Jonny Auping

 

Man’s Timeline Fills With Cliffhanger Headlines. What He Does Next Will Shock You…

Dale Jeffries, a 36-year old man from Texas, logged on to Facebook for the fourth time at work on Tuesday. Each time his timeline was filled with articles with the same ridiculous headlines and cliffhangers. 

This Employee Quits Her Job in the Worst Way Possible. What Her Boss Does Next is Even Worse…”

This Man Got Mugged at a Train Station. What He Did Next Was Genius….”

“Man Tries to Hug Lion. What Happens Next Will Shock You…”

“This Woman Caught Her Boyfriend Cheating on Her. How She Responds is Legendary..”

Dale couldn’t take it. He remembers when people used to use social media to share interesting content that they created or came across, like news-breaking articles or thought provoking pieces or funny takes on current affairs. Now people were specifically creating content to throw on to social media with insane headlines just so they can get more clicks for their stupid video or 100-word article. 

Every dumb cliffhanger headline distracted from any actual content on social media with even the slightest bit of purpose. No one was reading anything that had any actual thought put into it (like maybe a satire or something). 

Dale felt like the only one who was noticing this. He prayed that he could find one article posted on his timeline that didn’t have a cliff hanger in it. He found one…

15 Life Lessons We’ve Learned From Barbie Dolls…”

It was hopeless.

What Dale did next will restore your faith in humanityamaze you, totally shock you.

Jonny Auping

Snap Chat Time Machine

“I thought SnapChat was free,” Russell said to his friend Chris.

Regular Snapchat is free. This is SnapChat Time Machine,” Chris replied. “It’s way cooler, but it cost $2.99.”

“Yeah, but I don’t get it. What’s the point?”

No one gets it until they start using it. They say it’s stupid. Then they use it constantly.”

Russell was skeptical of downloading apps that cost money, but he did like how the little creature on the logo reminded him of the Minions from Despicable Me and anything with the words “time machine” in the title was certainly intriguing. So he asked Chris to explain.

“Well, it basically allows you to go back in time and chat with yourself for up to 10 seconds. It lets you take a sign with you so you can write out a message and hold it awkwardly over your face or body to communicate with the past version of you. They just came out with a bunch of new fonts. They’re pretty cool.”

Russell felt like he was missing something.

“That’s cool and all, but if we have the technology to travel back in time why are we only staying there in 10-second intervals? And why do I have to write my message on a sign? Won’t that be annoying since it will kind of be in the way?… I heard phones came up with technology to let us text pictures back in time. What’s the difference between that and Snap Chat Time Macine?”

“Ugh. You just don’t get it.”

………..

So Russell downloaded the app and waited until he was by himself to try it out. He decided to go back in time to that morning. He had forgotten to wear a rain jacket to the store and ended up getting completely soaked. So he wrote out a sign that said “Remember rain jacket” and sent a Snap Chat to 10:00 AM right before he was about to leave. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize he had to hold the button on the screen of his phone in order to stay back in time for the full 10 seconds. He went back in time for 1 second then came right back to the present. Then he held it for an additional three seconds until he just ran out of time. He basically just looked like a broken hologram flashing on and off. When the Snap Chat was finished he was still soaked. It clearly didn’t work.

The next day Russell decided to go further back in time and fix a more serious problem. The other day he had met a girl at bar and by the end of the night things were getting pretty intimate. The girl told him that she was on birth control and he had enough to drink to assume that he didn’t need to use any other form of protection. Now the girl is pregnant. Russell barely knows her and he’s going to have a child with her.

The best strategy he could think of was to send a Snap Chat to himself the night that he met her and warn himself that she was not on birth control. So he sent himself back to 12:48 AM the night he met her. At that specific time the girl had said that she would go get them a cab while he went to the bathroom before meeting back up with her outside. Russell brought a sign with him that said “SHE’S NOT ON THE PILL.” If he could pull this off it could change his life drastically.

Ten seconds later he wasn’t sure if it worked or not. He checked his phone. He still had the text from the girl that said “OMG I’m pregs! I’m gonna look like Olivia Wilde!!”

“How did this not work?” Russell asked in frustration. Then he looked up and saw himself in the mirror next to his door. There was a bruise around the corner of his eye. It looked like the remains of what used to be a pretty bad black eye. “I don’t remember that,” he thought to himself.

Over the course of the next few days he slowly pieced together what happened: The bar that he was in that night was very crowded. He chose a bad font and color for his message and it sort of blended in with the background. There were people dancing all around it. It was hard to read. Apparently, “SHE’S NOT ON THE PILL” looks a lot like “SHE’S GOT ALL THE BILL” to a drunk version of Russell. He thought that future him went back in time to warn him that he didn’t have to pay the bill for their drinks because she already paid for them. The bartender disagreed with this claim, but who would you believe: some bartender or a future version of yourself that traveled back in time to communicate with you? Eventually the bouncer got involved and that’s how he ended up with a black eye. Mission failed.

Russell decided that he would stop trying to go back and Snap Chat with himself. However, there was a feature that allowed him to go back and chat with other people. This seemed like a good idea. He knew that his ex-girlfriend had been training for a marathon for months, but he totally forgot about it the day of the marathon. He felt bad that he didn’t even acknowledge it, having known how hard she worked. He decided to  Snap Chat her the morning of the race to wish her good luck while she was stretching. So he went back in time with a sign that said “GOOD LUCK IN THE MARATHON!!!”

The feature that allows you to Snap Chat Time Machine other people doesn’t restrict you from sending the message to just one person. You could theoretically send the same message with the same sign to 20 different people in 20 different time periods. Unfortunately, the recipient has no way of knowing if he or she was the only one to get the message or if they were just part of a group Snap Chat Time Machine.

Sometimes this leads to over thinking….

Russell’s ex-girlfriend initially took the message as a nice gesture. Then she got to thinking, “was I the only one he sent that to?” which led to, “does he know another girl running this marathon?..” which led to, “did he just Snap Chat some other girl he’s dating and then decide to include me out of pity?” which led to, “I told him when I started seeing someone, how could he keep this from me?” which led to, “Maybe I was the only one he sent it to. He’s clearly not over me. I need my space.”

This cycle of thoughts went on for some time and although she started the marathon, she made a detour to stop at Russell’s house and berate him with incoherent ramblings about boundaries and not needing his pity. After the 10 second Snap Chat ended, Russell noticed a bruise in his other eye.

———————–

“I don’t know, man. This Snap Chat Time Machine you told me to download seems like it just causes me more trouble than it’s worth.”

Chris took a break from trying to make a Vine out of a bulldog riding a skateboard and looked up at Russell quizzically. 

“Oh you’re still using that thing?..yeah, it was a pretty silly concept in the first place.”

Jonny Auping