The Intellectual Sequel To the Entourage Movie

entourage

Are you absolutely sure they already made an Entourage movie? I think I would have remembered that.

Let me see the synopsis. Yadda yadda yadda…Vince directs and stars in an adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…yadda yadda yadda…E. and Sloan have a baby. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure all of that, or something essentially just like it, happened in season five. Or six. Or two.

It says here that, instead of playing himself, Billy Bob Thornton played a fictional studio head and Haley Joel Osment played his incompetent son. This doesn’t sound right.

Well, so what if they already made a movie? It’s not like they can’t do a sequel. Besides, I’m thinking about a totally different kind of Entourage, one where Vince tries to abandon the hollowness of mainstream Hollywood and experiments with the heights of his own intellectualism. No more blockbusters or box office concerns. A complete departure from stardom into near anonymity. Maybe the occasional Noah Baumbach flick or a This American Life story about the first time he met E. 

I’m not totally sure I would buy him and Greta Gerwig as a couple, but I’m not totally sure I wouldn’t. You know what I mean?

Writers, poets, philosophers, playwrights, and essayists are allowed to have entourages too. Nothing about being a member of the intelligentsia prevents one from having friends, and I don’t see why we can’t take that this journey into the life of the mind with the same cast of characters we’ve grown to love. There are plenty of storylines to mine. Imagine if Turtle tries to keep up with Vince on a philosophical level so he’s reading Thorough and Emerson on his Kindle, and Sloan laughs at the irony of it all, and E. laughs too even though he doesn’t totally understand what’s wrong with reading Walden on a Kindle, and Johnny tries to call out E. for not actually knowing what irony is and, and E. would be all like, “I know what ironic means, Drama!”

I mean, it might not sustain an entire plot, but it’s a jumping off point. I’m spit balling here.

Of course, plenty of people just watch Entourage for its blatant misogyny and tendencies to pigeonhole versatile women, and I don’t see why any of that would have to go anywhere for this version. No need to nix the celebrity cameos either. Just sprinkle in a couple happenstance run-ins with Ta-Nehisi Coates and Lin-Manuel Miranda. Maybe Drama will beg for a part in a traveling Hamilton show.

Is it the Entourage movie that America is asking for? Probably not, but it just might be the Entourage movie that America needs right now; Turtle is the last relevant voice that hasn’t weighed in on Gamer Gate, after all.

Has Elon Musk finally met his match in Ari Gold? Probably not considering Musk is an enormously successful engineer, inventor, and CEO and Ari Gold is a rage-filled, shout-monster whose degradation of women somehow leads to starring roles for his clients. But then again, does Elon Musk have Lloyd? Because Ari does, and when he makes his play for executive control of SpaceX, Musk will never see it coming.

This will come in handy in the third act when Vince decides that the true subtext of Kierkegaard can’t actually be understood unless read from beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. That’s why he, Turtle, Turtle’s dog Arnold, and three porn stars takeoff on a quest that’s part Interstellar, part Grand Budapest Hotel, and part Furious 7. Billy Bob Thornton, known mostly for his role in the original Entourage movie, would play a visibly overworked but reassuringly confidant ground control supervisor. Jason Schwartzman would play the space shuttle librarian.

I can sense your concerns, but let me assure you that the sequel will have the same old vibe you’re used to from the Entourage franchise, only much more pretentious. Bring your own personal entourage to the theater and watch E. try to get an op-ed in the Atlantic Monthly or Drama triumphantly prove that Charlie Kaufman is still alive or Turtle struggle to figure out what MOMA stands for.

I think we’re all ready for Vince to grow up, and Entourage 2: Le Retour is where it finally happens.

-Jonny Auping

 

Star Wars, Spotlight, and Escapism as a Constant

I have yet to decide whether I’ll be eating Milk Duds or Sour Patch Kids while I watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens in theaters. The Venn Diagram of people who file W-9 forms and know which color (red) Sour Patch Kid has the best aftertaste is admittedly small, but that won’t really matter when I’m sitting in that theater. As soon as an attendant hands back my Star Wars ticket stub, I’m granted the luxury of leaving things like taxes, adulthood, and responsibility in the hallway.

Immediately, individual and collective problems are galaxies away from me.

Spotlight, Tom McCarthy’s telling of how the Boston Globe uncovered atrocities in the Catholic Church, was probably the best film of 2015. I didn’t bring candy to my seat when I saw it in theaters. It didn’t occur to me, like how it wouldn’t occur to me to wear a basketball jersey to a job interview.

So I wonder: If we see The Force Awakens to escape reality does that mean we see Spotlight to come to terms with it?

Star Wars might be the most famous example of fantasy escapism in modern history. Its seventh installment comes at a time when there’s plenty to want to get away from. A radical terrorist group has the whole world living in fear. Mass shootings have become commonplace. A reality star who campaigns with hateful and offensive diatribes has a seemingly realistic chance of becoming the most powerful man in the world.

The Force Awakens sends us to two different worlds: the world of Star Wars where Jedi Knights fly spaceships and the world of nostalgia where we look back on a specific time and romanticize it for not being now. We’ll already know some characters and we’ll be introduced to new ones, and the story will go on for our sake. The Dark Side will once again materialize itself. The Force will apparently wake up.

We’re supposed to be offered escapes during the Christmas season. We’re allowed the comfort of knowing that Leia never forced Han to sell his old ride or his favorite vest. New creatures, droids, and villains will provide us with a sense of wonder. It’s up to J.J. Abrams to effectively nail the conflict and drama of the story, but even falling short of expectations would effectively spark thousands (millions?) of backseat filmmakers who deep down understand that, when it comes to a franchise like this, critiquing the product is ultimately part of the larger product being sold. All of these things are distractions, and don’t we deserve them?

Spotlight takes us back in time 12 years, but it only pulls us closer to the world’s problems. The movie follows the four-person “Spotlight” team of the Boston Globe in the entirety of their investigation of the Catholic Church. The film takes on the life and feel of the story as it develops; when the Spotlight team is trying to determine if Cathloic priests are abusing children it feels like a small movie that maybe you heard some good things about. When their focus shifts on trying to figure out how many Catholic priests are molesting children and how far the cover up reaches it suddenly feels like a colossal film, the type we might see a teaser trailer for 18 months before its release.

The stakes are high in Spotlight and every scene is pleading for its characters to expose real evil, perpetrated on innocent children. The story’s arc doesn’t have much to do with defeating evil. A victory comes from acknowledging it.

So, the question again: If we see The Force Awakens to escape, would we merely see Spotlight to become educated by attractive actors?

That notion might be giving us too much credit. It’s all the more relaxing to sit down in front of the new Star Wars movie with some popcorn, take a deep breath, and think about how we earned this two-hour break from reality after the year we’ve had. The truth is, though, that we spend almost every spare moment we have partaking in escapism. It’s why we go to bars, play or watch sports, read literature, glue ourselves to a Netflix screen, or go on vacation. Any time not spent trying to fix our problems (personal or societal) is spent trying to forget about them. 

On a recent Channel 33 podcast, Bill Simmons implied that the impact of the Boston Globe’s real life story on the Catholic Church’s child abuse scandal was partially diminished in Boston, where Simmons was living at the time of the story, because it was published during the foundational moments of Tom Brady’s unlikely rise to superstardom as the New England Patriots’ quarterback. In theory, people talked about Brady instead of talking about child molestation. This might sound ridiculous, but it also sounds like escapism. It’s human nature, and it can be dangerous.

Oddly, this is also why we see Spotlight: for it’s entertainment value. Whether through superb acting or clever writing (usually both) every single scene contains high intensity, so much so that you might actually feel physically tired after the film.

Spotlight evokes an appreciation for the power of journalism and the determination of truth in the face of scandal. All of this is important, sure, but that importance doesn’t fluctuate when communicated in a bland or uninspiring way. We choose to watch a version of it told through Michael Keaton and Rachel McAdams because, suddenly, it’s riveting. How it affects the way we look at the world once we step out is ancillary.

Star Wars, good or bad, will feel worth the hoopla of seeing it in theaters because it will take us so far away from where we are, if just for a few hours.

From beginning to end, Spotlight is a great movie, and ironically, in being such, is an escape. It keeps us close, though, and it invites us to bring our ideas and experiences into the theater with us. More importantly, it asks us to start acknowledging the things outside that theater.  

-Jonny Auping

 

 

15 Movies That Must Be Made

fraser-brendan-fraser-29845003-1280-1024

For part of my childhood, I was determined to become a famous Hollywood actor when I grew up. 

Now, I didn’t always have this career aspiration. Actually, for the first eight years of my life, I had no aspirations at all. I was perfectly content being the gap-toothed kid who constantly got in trouble at school for eating rollie pollies during recess.

In 2002, things changed. After being absolutely mesmerized by Brendan Fraser’s Oscar-worthy performance in “The Mummy Returns”, I immediately knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted that Brendan Fraser money, and I wanted those Brendan Fraser honeys.

Motivated by my new dream, I tried out for the lead male role in my middle school’s upcoming rendition of “Romeo and Juliet”. I knew that if I could just secure this gig, my stunning portrayal of Romeo would attract the top Hollywood scouts, and I’d be be living that Fraser life in no time.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Instead of securing the lead role of “Romeo”, I was cast as a lesser-known character called “tree in background”. (nailed it, for the record.)

While my acting career may have been short-lived, my affinity for movies has remained. I’ve even got a few ideas for what movies should be made next. I have no doubt in my mind that these films are bound to become classics. Just Venmo me later, Hollywood: 

50 Shades of Foreplay:
This PG-rated film shows two tight-bodied 20-somethings about to get real kinky, but cuts out right before you see anything cool.

Fast and Furious 9:
Three words. Ghost Paul Walker. 

Mission: Impossible 5:
Tom Cruise tries to get his career back on track.

How To Train Your Children To Realize Dragons (And Their Dreams) Aren’t Real:
Starring Ghost Paul Walker.

Liar Liar 2:
In 7th grade, this girl named Becky farted during Spanish class. Red-faced, she turned around and looked at me, immediately announcing to the class, “OMG Clark farted!”

My classmates roared with laughter….it was almost as if they didn’t realize that farts were simply just flatulence brought to the rectum by specialized contractions of the muscles in the intestines and colon.

What the hell Becky? We both know it was you, not me. You totally farted, you dick.

Toy Story 4:
Andy finds a different type of toy that comes to life in his girlfriend’s bedside drawer.

The OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST Network:
The captivating tale of young Mark Zuckerberg and his creation of a ground-breaking social media site that finally gave racist simpletons a chance to share their thoughts. 

Lego Movie 2:
Just a constant loop of your dad cursing after stepping on the legos you left out.

Spiderman (reboot):
That Seabiscuit guy gets bit by a radioactive spider and dies. The end. 

Seabiscuit 2:
Literally just biscuits in the ocean.

Gone In 16 Seconds:
A movie about a guy who swears this never happens, its just been a while, ok?

Titanic 2:
After nearly drowning, the Titanic sets out for revenge on that evil iceberg. Starring Liam Nesson as the Titanic.

Harold and Kumar Just Ate White Castle:
90 minutes of two friends sitting on the toilet, discussing how miserable their decision to eat White Castle was.

The Grand Holiday Inn Express Hotel:
A quirky indie film about a hotel with a built-in Bennigans near the freeway in Dayton, Ohio. 

I Know What You Did Last Summer:
Because I crept all the way into the “70 weeks old” photos on your Instagram.  

-Clark

 

The Grand Canyon’s Take on Ferguson

If you’re anything like me you have really been wondering what the Grand Canyon has been up to lately. A week ago I wasn’t sure it still existed. That trip that your aunt took to go see it was over ten years ago. Has anyone heard from that big gap between two giant rocks since?

I had to jump through a few hoops, but after getting the Grand Canyon’s number, I caught up with it and got its hot takes on some of the country’s biggest stories. Here’s the interview.

Jonny Auping: Hey, Grand Canyon, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I don’t want to waste any time so I’ll get right to it. I think a lot of people are wondering what your thoughts are on the racially charged situation in Ferguson, Missouri?

Grand Canyon: It’s certainly pretty rocky out there. 

JA: I can’t tell if you’re being serious or if that’s a canyon pun.

GC: It sure seems like everyone involved is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

JA: To be honest, I think it’s a little tasteless to be making jokes about such a serous situation. 

GC: I’m sorry. I think that the situation in Ferguson is complicated, but there is no denying the racial history of our country. Less than 100 years ago prominent newspapers argued that African Americans on cocaine were the biggest threat to the country. They claimed that when on cocaine, “negros” could not be taken down with regular bullets and actually convinced police forces to change their caliber of gun on that platform. We see people unknowingly taking toned down, but similar stances now. People seem eager to point out Michael Brown committing theft or the possibility that he came at the officer as if that justifies shooting him six times. African American men are still perceived as more dangerous than other citizens. Ferguson needs policing, but tanks and assault rifles are unnecessary.

JA: Wow, that was actually pretty insightful. I’m sorry I got upset about the puns earlier.

GC: It’s ok, I’m glad I could get a clean slate.

JA: Uhh sure. So let’s move on to a lighter subject. What do you think of Iggy Azalea?

GC: I think she is just gorges.

JA: Any thoughts about the alleged beef between her and Nicki Minaj?

GC: Look, schist happens. I don’t know much about that. I’m sure they will work it out. It’s nothing like my beef with Niagara Falls. 

JA: So you aren’t picking a side?

GC: I’m a fan of both of them. Let’s just say they can both fit a lot into their geolo-jeans.

JA: Weird. Well, I think the whole country is still mourning the death of Robin Williams. Any thoughts?

GC: He was such a great actor who brought smiles to so many faces. It’s so sad to know that people can be going through so much pain without us realizing it. It goes to show that we shouldn’t take life for granite.

JA: You hear about the rumors of trouble in Jay Z and Beyonce’s marriage?

GC: Yeah, but I don’t believe them. Every time they go out in public you can see some real national (s)parks between them.

JA: Don’t you mean natural sparks?

GC: Yeah, that’s what I said. A lot of people don’t realize that Beyonce is the eighth wonder of the world.

JA: Have you heard that new Taylor Swift album?

GC: It was too slow for me. I can’t help but can-yawn every time it comes on air-izona.

JA: Well, Mr. Canyon, we’ve covered a lot of stuff. Is there anything else you’d like to say?

GC: Yeah, everyone add me on SnapChat at NotScaredOfHeightz. Also, remember that Gameboy you left here when you were a kid? I still have it.

-Jonny Auping 

 

Farts and Depression: Something to Take From Robin Williams’ Death

“I don’t believe it. He always seemed so happy.”

Some form of that sentence was said all across America in the days following Robin Williams’ suicide. It seemed unfathomable that a man who could appear so unabashedly cheerful and hilarious on screen could possibly have the desire to kill himself. 

Well, Robin Williams was an actor. Appearing to be something other than himself was his chosen profession. He doesn’t actually wear drag and babysit for money, he has never fought Captain Hook, he doesn’t actually have a disorder that forces him to age too quickly, he didn’t invent Flubber and he was definitely not always happy.  

Williams appeared happy for millions of other people most likely for the same three reasons most people of his profession do: he was paid to do so, he possessed talent and passion for acting and, hopefully, he could make other people happy in the process. All three of those ring true.

However, there’s another possibility: It was the easiest way to mask severe unhappiness. We don’t know all the details of Williams’ mindset and situation prior to his death nor am I anything resembling an expert on depression or mental illness so forgive me for speaking in generalities going forward. People with depression don’t wear a sign around informing people of their struggle. There might be a few telltale signs, but they are not universal. If there’s anything to be learned from Williams’ death it’s that you never know who might be suffering the most.

Considering there are incredible and inspiring scenes of Williams in films like Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting, Hook, Aladin, Patch Adams and even the graduation speech from Jack, you could argue I did a poor job of choosing a Robin Williams’ video clip to show for this story. But I took some time to think about it and I want to show this clip of Williams and a bunch of kids farting into a can.

Scientifically speaking, I’m not sure that collecting farts in a coffee can and lighting a match will really cause an explosion, but I chose this scene from Jack for a couple reasons. It’s typical Robin Williams; being silly and ridiculous, not caring about how his comedy will be received by critics and causing uncontrollable laughter of children, the least cynical of us all.

But more importantly, I chose it because it provides a vague metaphor. Jack and those kids collected those farts until the can couldn’t even be opened without causing one of them to lose consciousness. As they passed it around and farted in it, nothing notably changed about the tin can. The sides didn’t dent. It did not become heavier or look unable to withstand more farts. But when they lit a match and dropped it in the can it caused an explosion louder and more powerful than any one fart. It was like a super-fart and thank God it didn’t kill them all. 

So goes depression and other forms of mental illness. Each blow can seem inconsquential to everyone but the victim. It can build up very slowly, but the final straw can turn out to be tragic. In society, we often wait until that match is lit to wonder what we could have done differently. 

The Detroit Free Press claims that, “research tells us that psychotherapy, or talk therapy, may be the best option for those suffering from mild to moderate levels of depression….Friends and family members play critical roles in helping depressed men.” 

People with depression need someone to talk to. They may need to talk about their problems or they may just need to know there is someone out there happily willing to talk to them about anything. We can’t measure what loneliness does to depression, but no problem has ever been made worse by someone else genuinely offering to listen to it. Feeling alone in this world can suck the joy out of anything that once made you happy. People can seem popular, or have money or look happy, but the only way you can truly know that they don’t feel alone is if you are the one providing that companionship. 

Physiological diseases are awful. The need to raise money for them is crucial because hope will always remain that it could lead to a cure. Some day we will find a cure to cancer and even a way to prevent it. I believe that. But depression will exist as long as we do. Unhappiness is real, but like a can full of farts, it’s basically intangible. 

I have a theory about depression. It’s a theory of degrees. I don’t mean to contradict any medical or psychological facts that are proven, it’s just a theory. I think that we all suffer from some form of depression. Things make us unhappy and certain things make us flat out miserable. It’s when those different degrees of things happen at the wrong time and come together in the wrong way that we can cross a line and become clinically depressed. It’s not a matter of weakness. It’s a matter of chance and accumulation. It’s a matter of filling up that can. It could happen to any of us. It’s in our best interest to be there for one another. A few conversations can make all the difference. If someone is too deep in that hole than it becomes your responsibility to convince them to seek help. We don’t know what degrees of unhappiness got them there, unless you’re a professional, it’s not our place to say what degrees of help will get them out. But that’s why we try. The smallest degree at the right time might help in the biggest way.

We don’t know what exactly Robin Williams was going through and I don’t mean to imply that one person could have saved him. What he taught us, though, is not to assume. Don’t assume happiness and don’t assume strength. We can provide each other that strength and that can lead to happiness. There’s probably someone in your life whom you can’t name a person they are really close to. Don’t assume they have people you don’t know about to talk to. Be one of those people and you won’t have to assume. It might seem like nothing, but if you poke the smallest hole in that tin can, you never know, a bunch of farts might escape through. Anything to avoid that explosion.

-Jonny Auping

 

Dawn of the Planet of the Anteaters

You may or may not have noticed that big action/adventure/disaster/suspense movies are not exactly original these days. We’ve got Godzilla, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Planet of the Apes, Transformers, a thousand different superhero movies and on and on. We’re also supposed to believe that Into the Storm isn’t the exact same thing as Twister. 

Are we really that void of creativity? Hollywood really can’t come up with something new that can entertain us in a cold theater for two hours? Luckily, I have come across what should clearly be the newest blockbuster movie. I was stumbling around on Yahoo’s front page when I saw the headline “Giant Anteater Kills Two.” Naturally, I clicked on the link, but I didn’t expect much, it’s a big, crazy world out there and every day people manage to die in some very odd, but ultimately unimpressive way. 

Boy, was I wrong. Apparently the anteater mauled the two people to death in Brazil, but it wasn’t the story that left me breathless. It was THIS PICTURE:

I’m assuming you’ve spent about three minutes trying to figure out what you are looking at.  How many animals is that? Well, technically it’s three animals. After reading the story and the description of the picture I was informed that it is a picture of the giant anteater with its two small baby anteaters riding on its back.

Oh, okay. That makes sense, except for, you know, ITS LEG IS A FUCKING PANDA HEAD!

Apparently that is a picture of an anteater walking forward and what “appears” to be a panda head is actually just its left leg. Yahoo makes no mention of the panda and will just have us believe it’s some sort of optical illusion. 

I’m not buying it. We have a genetically created, cross-species, super predator that is out there killing people. The two deaths were separate incidents meaning this thing has struck twice. Here’s the description of one incident:

“The anteater stood on its hind legs and grabbed the man with its forelimbs, causing deep puncture wounds in his thighs and upper arms. The hunter bled to death at the scene.”

It seems to leave out that one of those “forelimbs” is the head of a panda bear, which probably bit through him like a piece of bamboo. 

So authorities should probably figure out how to subdue this creature before there are any more victims. But that’s not my job, that’s the authorities job. My job is to pitch this to Hollywood so we can finally get a cool summer movie that doesn’t involve Mark Wahlberg pretending he cares about dinosaur robots fighting each other. 

Here we go…

So quick camera shot of beautiful Rio De Janeiro. Now keeping going past the beaches to a low-budget, but well-intentioned zoo where there is only so much space and certain animals are kept in the same environments together including, yep, you guessed it, anteaters and pandas. 

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the American animal lover/panda specialist who warned the park that the two species shouldn’t be in the same proximity. He was worried about his favorite panda, Daisy. 

One day, Daisy and a giant anteater named Gregory both spot a bamboo stick, which just so happens to be covered in ants. They both want it and it turns into an epic battle. Apparently, when Brazil built the stadiums for the World Cup they had to relocate a bunch of toxic waste and they irresponsibly and inexplicably stored it at this particular zoo. Amidst the anteater/panda battle they knock over barrels of toxic waste which results in a large explosion. All animals are seemingly dead. BUT when the dust settles we see the anteater walking away with DAISY AS HIS FOOT. He escapes into the forrest/jungle.

Manny from Modern Family will play another zookeeper. He’ll be the comedic relief. There’s a strong chance he’ll die at some point in the film. 

As the anteater/panda continues to eat ants and bamboo it gets bigger and bigger and its two baby anteaters are also growing. Eventually it’s approximately the size of Godzilla. To a creature that big, humans begins to look like….ants. And skyscrapers look like bamboo sticks. 

Emma Watson will play the female American solider who is always underestimated by all the guys even though she’s the toughest solider in her squad. She is part of a plan that will destroy the creature. Eventually she crosses paths with JVG and he tells her “there’s got to be another way” and keeps saying “if I could just talk to Daisy,” which if you haven’t kept up is the left front leg of this giant anteater, which happens to be the head of a panda, which used to be JVG’s best friend. Watson is clearly falling for JVG. 

The final battle scene will be epic and some major city will basically be destroyed. 

If the studio demands that the animals can talk Jack Black can be on hold to voice as many animals as possible. 

Don Cheadle will play Watson’s ranking officer who knows she is the best solider out there, but “takes too many damn risks.”

Jeremy Piven will play the owner of the zoo who took too many shortcuts to cut costs and put everyone’s life in danger. 

———————————–

I think it’s fair to say I’ve laid out the groundwork for a Citizen Kane-esque film that will entertain the entire globe. It is now someone’s job to sign me up for Kickstarter. Someone else should put this pitch on KickStarter and hopefully we’ll have the money by September to get this thing rolling. 

-Jonny Auping

Jeff Goldblum Talks About Vince Vaughn Like He’s Dead

jeff and vince

I’m a huge Jurassic Park fan. Naturally I’m very excited about the production of the fourth JP film that will star Chris Pratt, Judy Greer and Jake Johnson. But the only downside of the fourth film coming out is that it will push the most overlooked Jurassic Park film even deeper into irrelevance. 

The second film of the series, The Lost World is considered by most to be the worst of the franchise. I, however, have a soft spot for the 1997 film for a number of reasons: Ian Malcom, played by Jeff Goldblum (and my favorite character in the original), is the lead of the move, stealing a baby T-Rex is a significant plot point (pretty obvious what this would lead to), a giant T-Rex is brought back to San Diego and roams around the city, and perhaps the number one reason: Vince Vaughn plays a character named Nick Van Owen. 

I was recently snooping around YouTube and came across a number of tiny segments that were made in accordance with the release of a packaged Jurassic Park trilogy. One of the short segments was specifically about Vince Vaughn. The segment is narrated by Jeff Goldblum. After watching the video a couple times, I’ve come to the conclusion that Goldblum does not realize that Vaughn is alive and well. 

Imagine Goldblum following up his final words in the video with, “I’m really going to miss Vince.”

I’ve decided that I really want Jeff Goldblum to be interviewed after my death (in the event that I for some reason die before Jeff Goldblum).

I’ve also decided that I’m very angry at Jeff Goldblum for not showing us the dance that Vince Vaughn was talking about.

I also decided to halt my Jurassic Park Youtube research and begin some Jeff Goldblum Youtube research and I found a bunch of videos where Goldblum’s voice is slowed down and he appears drunk.

Like this one:

Or this one:

Now you’re on the Internet, now you’re emailing everybody in the world, you’re playing the greatest games.”

Or this slowed down scene from Jurassic Park:

Or this great Pay Pay commercial:

Anyway, the point is that Jeff Goldblum is a complete wildcard and I felt like watching Youtube videos more than I felt like writing today. Also, Vince Vaughn is still alive. 

-Jonny Auping