If you’re anything like me you have really been wondering what the Grand Canyon has been up to lately. A week ago I wasn’t sure it still existed. That trip that your aunt took to go see it was over ten years ago. Has anyone heard from that big gap between two giant rocks since?
I had to jump through a few hoops, but after getting the Grand Canyon’s number, I caught up with it and got its hot takes on some of the country’s biggest stories. Here’s the interview.
Jonny Auping: Hey, Grand Canyon, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I don’t want to waste any time so I’ll get right to it. I think a lot of people are wondering what your thoughts are on the racially charged situation in Ferguson, Missouri?
Grand Canyon: It’s certainly pretty rocky out there.
JA: I can’t tell if you’re being serious or if that’s a canyon pun.
GC: It sure seems like everyone involved is stuck between a rock and a hard place.
JA: To be honest, I think it’s a little tasteless to be making jokes about such a serous situation.
GC: I’m sorry. I think that the situation in Ferguson is complicated, but there is no denying the racial history of our country. Less than 100 years ago prominent newspapers argued that African Americans on cocaine were the biggest threat to the country. They claimed that when on cocaine, “negros” could not be taken down with regular bullets and actually convinced police forces to change their caliber of gun on that platform. We see people unknowingly taking toned down, but similar stances now. People seem eager to point out Michael Brown committing theft or the possibility that he came at the officer as if that justifies shooting him six times. African American men are still perceived as more dangerous than other citizens. Ferguson needs policing, but tanks and assault rifles are unnecessary.
JA: Wow, that was actually pretty insightful. I’m sorry I got upset about the puns earlier.
GC: It’s ok, I’m glad I could get a clean slate.
JA: Uhh sure. So let’s move on to a lighter subject. What do you think of Iggy Azalea?
GC: I think she is just gorges.
JA: Any thoughts about the alleged beef between her and Nicki Minaj?
GC: Look, schist happens. I don’t know much about that. I’m sure they will work it out. It’s nothing like my beef with Niagara Falls.
JA: So you aren’t picking a side?
GC: I’m a fan of both of them. Let’s just say they can both fit a lot into their geolo-jeans.
JA: Weird. Well, I think the whole country is still mourning the death of Robin Williams. Any thoughts?
GC: He was such a great actor who brought smiles to so many faces. It’s so sad to know that people can be going through so much pain without us realizing it. It goes to show that we shouldn’t take life for granite.
JA: You hear about the rumors of trouble in Jay Z and Beyonce’s marriage?
GC: Yeah, but I don’t believe them. Every time they go out in public you can see some real national (s)parks between them.
JA: Don’t you mean natural sparks?
GC: Yeah, that’s what I said. A lot of people don’t realize that Beyonce is the eighth wonder of the world.
JA: Have you heard that new Taylor Swift album?
GC: It was too slow for me. I can’t help but can-yawn every time it comes on air-izona.
JA: Well, Mr. Canyon, we’ve covered a lot of stuff. Is there anything else you’d like to say?
GC: Yeah, everyone add me on SnapChat at NotScaredOfHeightz. Also, remember that Gameboy you left here when you were a kid? I still have it.