Theme Song Wars: Fresh Prince Vs. Friends

At one point earlier today (because I’m such a productive person), I had the ambitious notion that I would attempt to solve the mystery of which nineties sitcom was better, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Friends. After about two minutes of deep thought, I decided I would have a better chance of solving the conflict in Syria.

So I settled on the more reasonable, but still difficult task of determining which show has the best theme song. They might be two of the ten most recognizable songs to any human being born between the years 1980-1992. They are the standard for sitcom theme songs, carrying the torch passed down to them by Cheers. Things have gone downhill lately. The How I Met Your Mother theme song is almost as bad as the show itself. The Office and Parks and Rec theme songs don’t even have lyrics. 

Let’s start by watching the Fresh Prince theme song:

Every line is pure gold.

However, after watching that video, I think we’re all thinking the same thing. What happened in the middle of the song?

“I begged and pleaded with her, day after day, 

But she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way.

She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket,

Then I put on my walkman and said ‘I might as well kick it.’

First class, Oh this is bad, drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass,

Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like? Hmm this might be alright.” 

Ummm….Where the f*ck did that come from? That wasn’t on the show. I’ll admit, they are pretty good lines, but as far as I’m concerned, they don’t exist. I live in a world where “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air” is followed by “I whistled for a cab and when it came near…”

Now Friends:

No video in the history of mankind has done more for clapping and fountains than what you just witnessed. 

So I think the best way to approach this debate is to go over a few categories and figure out which song has the edge in each one.

Lyrics: Fresh Prince

The edge has to go to Fresh Prince here. The song tells a story. No, it tells a saga…No…a quest. 

We all have the song memorized. Some people have the whole Friends song memorized, but they consciously made the effort to do so. No one tried to memorize the Fresh Prince song…it just sort of happened. 

I mean how can you deny gems like:

“I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said ‘Fresh’ and there were dice in the mirror.”

I still say “smell ya later” to cab drivers when I get out of the cab. It’s totally worth the extra dollar I tip them afterwards.

Catchiness: Friends

The Fresh Prince song doesn’t actually have a chorus, it’s just one long verse. The Friends song will get stuck in your head. There’s no avoiding it. You don’t have to know the words. As long as you see one episode, then the rest of the day you’ll be singing “I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour…I’ll be there for you…something something something….I’ll be there for you… Cause you’re there for me too….Doo doo do da doo doo da doooooo.”

Diversity: Fresh Prince

The Friends video has exactly zero non-white people in it. The Fresh Prince video has exactly one non-African American person in it…the cab driver.

Point Fresh Prince

Karaoke Friendly: Tie

It really depends on what caused your intoxication.

If you are drunk off of clear liquors (vodka, gin, tequila, etc) then you’ll be much more inclined to sing the Friends theme song. 

If you are drunk off of beer or perhaps whiskey then you’ll be saying “West Philadelphia, born and raised” way before your cue to start.

If you aren’t drunk at all then you really need to get off the stage. Karaoke machines should have reverse Breathalyzers.

Largest Appealing DemographicFresh Prince

This was hard. Look, if you enter a room full of sorority girls and play the Friends theme song, shit will hit the fan faster than the Rachel/Joey relationship ended. There will be screaming and jumping and off-pitch singing. 

In fact, any group of girls are bound to get excited. But I’m not sure you can say the same things about guys. Sure, I’ll be humming the song under my breath for the next two hours, but I won’t be openly excited. 

On the other hand, there’s no one who won’t get pumped to sing along with the Fresh Prince song. Don’t believe me? Test it. Walk up to a stranger and say “I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.” Then wait. They’ll try to resist, but eventually they’ll mumble “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” And you better believe they’ll point their index finger back and forth while they do it. 

Winner: Fresh Prince

What can I say? They won more categories. The video had a lasting effect on me. For the longest time I thought that someone picking you up and spinning you sideways is what it was like to get your ass kicked. 

I want to make one thing clear: there are no losers in this showdown. We’re all winners for having experienced these songs throughout our lives.

For all you people disappointed that Friends didn’t win I know how you feel. I mean, no one told you life was going to be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s DOA. It’s kind of like your life’s always stuck in second gear. It hasn’t been your day, your month, or even your year. 

I used to feel the same way…till I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air. 

Jonny Auping

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Tuesdays With 2 Chainz: A New Album and a Cook Book

“Tuesdays With 2 Chainz” is a recuring feature in which the author takes a moment to discuss what is new in the life of rapper 2 Chainz or bless the public with assorted bits of 2 Chainz trivia.

A TON has happened with 2 Chainz since the last time we talked. He released an album and a cook book. In fact, I was almost too overwhelmed to write this. It seemed impossible to even attempt writing anything under 3,000 words. But I figured out a way to spare you all of that. I decided I would supply you with the five most ridiculous lines from 2 Chainz’ album, “B.O.A.T.S. II Me Time”, and the five most ridiculous excerpts from his cookbook #MealTime2 Chainz TourBus Recipes.

First, the album:

1.)

“I’m raw, talking California Rolls,

Smoking California Weed with California Hoes.”

-“Feds Watching” 

It’s weird that he would choose the one type of sushi roll that has no raw meat in it when he’s trying to associate with the word raw.

2.)

“I’m on top like a toupee,

You on the side like a toothache.

Box your ass, suitcase.

I’m real, you aint.” 

-“Mainstream Ratchet”

There’s very little doubt in my mind that it took him less time to think of that than it did for me to type this sentence. 

3.)

“I smoke just to ease the pain.

So hungry I used to try to eat the rain.

Well at least until the pizza came.”

-“Outroduction”

Is there any way this makes sense? You can’t eat rain and if you’re that hungry just go pick up the pizza yourself, it’s faster. 

4.) 

“My wrist deserve a shout out, I’m like ‘What up, wrist?’

My stove deserve a shout out, I’m like ‘What up, stove?’

All this jewelry on then I’m out cold.”

-“Forks”

The words are supposed to rhyme in hip-hop.

5.) 

“And here you are, a black unicorn,

Mythical, mystical, since the day that your were born.”

-“Black Unicorn

This is the same guy that gave a shout out to his stove a few songs earlier. 

And now the highly anticipated cookbook:

1.)

“Be sure to season every single meal in layers as you prepare the recipes so as to avoid throwing seasonings on dishes after they’re already cooked, and items being prepared can absorb the flavors of the spices.”

-Introduction

Wait, he actually knows how to speak in full sentences?

2.)

“Call Fergie, invite her to watch a movie on Netflix. Once she accepts, start making green beans.”

-Recipe for Green Beans

I’m going to be honest, if Fergie doesn’t want to watch Parenthood on Netflix that might be a deal breaker for me in terms of the green beans. 

3.)

“Cook for 3-4 minutes while blasting ‘Hit It With a Fork’ at an ignorant level.”

-Recipe for Teriyaki Salmon

This is pretty easily my favorite line from any cookbook ever.

4.) 

“While you wait feel free to watch Belly on the big screen.”

-Recipe for Teriyaki Salmon

Once again, probably going to be watching Parenthood.

5.) 

“Serve warm, lean back and vibe out.”

-Sautéed Asparagus recipe.

——————————————————————————–

2 Chainz once again proves he is the renaissance man of our generation. 

What up, Stove?

Jonny Auping

Nelly and the Honey Nut Cheerios Campaign

I lived in St. Louis for four years. In that time I learned that two specific entities are as important to that city as any two things are important to any city: Cardinals baseball and Nelly. Stan Musial is the city’s George Washington and “Country Grammer” is its National Anthem. 

Financially, Nelly, his kids, his future grandchildren and all the future grandchildren of the entire St. Lunatics were probably set for life as far back as 2005. However, that hasn’t stopped Nelly from continuing to make music, star in films and television shows and branch out with public business ventures. While most of the country can roll their eyes at the recent subpar material that doesn’t hold a candle to the first five years of hits Nelly dropped, that’s simply not an option for St. Louis. Admitting that Nelly is anything but the most important cultural figure in America would be like admitting the Statue of Liberty is more recognizable than the St. Louis Arch. In other words, it’s not happening. 

That’s what Pimp Juice will get you in St. Louis: immunity. 

The truth is that in the past five years, Nelly’s music has been much more of an appeal to as many demographics as possible. He’s not a rapper as much as he is a multi-faceted pop star. This is most evidenced by his remix of “Cruise” by Florida Georgia Line earlier this year:

This video is unifying to say the least. It proves that, no matter if you are the type of person that listens to rap music or the type of person that listens to country music, we can all come together under the agreement that it’s perfectly acceptable to demean women.

This broad approach of Nelly’s brand has to reach out to the young generation of America as well.

Enter BuzzBee, the Honey Nut Cheerios’ mascot. BuzzBee and Nelly have teamed up for the #MustBeTheHoney campaign. He used to be “Smokin’ dubs in clubs, blowin’ up like Coco Puffs,” now he’s endorsing Honey Nut Cheerios as proven by this commercial:

My initial reaction to this commercial was that Nelly’s kitchen is almost inconveniently long. You really don’t need that much space. But my next thought was “how has this commercial been out for almost a month and I’m just now seeing it?” Then I realized that this was probably because it only airs on children’s TV channels. If this is the case, then the scary reality is that some of the humans seeing this commercial weren’t even alive when “Country Grammer,” “E.I.” Ride Wit Me” and “Hot in Herre” came out. There are actually children that are seeing this and saying the words “That’s that guy who sings ‘Just a Dream,’ ‘Hey Porsche,’ and the ‘Cruise Remix.’ 

But the #MustBeTheMoney campaign didn’t end there.  Just last week, Nelly tweeted this:

ST. LOUIS STAND UP!!!…The Lou is all about that M.B.T.H life. 

Remixing a song that we’ve all sung countless times in the shower and car….pretty genius work by the people on the Honey Nut Cheerios marketing team. 

I did a little research and found out that MustBeTheHoney.com is indeed a website, complete with a little message from BuzzBee himself. Here is a small excerpt from that description:

“I mean home-bee, Nelly-yeah he’s been great! He showed me his super neat music studio and even let me sing about honey while I was there; it was like being in a shiny hive that makes music instead of honey.”

Apparently, they are running an interactive “Must Be The Honey Moment” contest where you tweet @BuzzBee something “sweet” that happened to you today with the hashtag #MustBeTheMoney. If it’s good enough, you could be featured on the Honey Nut Cheerios Tumblr page. Naturally, I had to take my best shot.

Whether or not this bold Nelly marketing campaign will pay off for Honey Nut Cheerios is still to be determined. I honestly have no idea if children will ask their parents to buy the cereal that Nelly is endorsing. I do know that grocery stores in St. Louis WILL move Honey Nut Cheerio boxes faster than you can say “Whatever happened to Murphy Lee?” It’s a safe bet, I only lived there for four years and I’ve already got a box in my pantry. 

Sure, it might actually be Nelly pretending to talk to a fictional bee with a high pitched voice, but all anyone in the 314 hears is:

So feel me when I bring it,

Sing it loud,

I’m from the Lou,’ and I’m proud, 

Run a mile for the cause. 

Jonny Auping 

The Winner of the Trendy Tourney Is…

The Trendy Tourney is a 16-seed tournament of all things trendy created in order to determine what is the biggest fad of the moment.

The unveiling of the Trendy Tourney and full bracket can be found here. The second round can be found here.  The third round can be found here and the Final Four can be found here

After four exciting and dramatic rounds of action, we have finally made it to the championship. I’d like to first start off by saying that I appreciate all the people who involved themselves in the process by emailing me or tweeting me with their opinions. I can promise every one of your voices was heard and factored into the process. Everyone who emailed me or tweeted at me to complain about results that were already posted, I assure you every one of your voices were heard, but factored into absolutely nothing. We will try to do more slightly interactive posts in the future. 

I’d like to be able to tie all this together with a cool little bracket that shows the result of the entire tournament, but that would take way too much time and energy and I’m not smart enough to actually make it look good anyway. So instead of that, we’ll quickly recap how each fad made it to the championship. 

Breaking Bad started off tournament play by knocking out Saying YOLO Ironically in the first round. From there they had a really tough matchup with Anna Kendrick. Kendrick gave the AMC show a real run for its money, but even her critical acclaim in the film Drinking Buddies wasn’t enough to take down Heisenberg. In the Final Four the show took on Emojis and just barely came out on top. 

Lists on the Internet began the tournament with a landslide victory over Jadeveon Clowney who barely even put up a fight. Then they quickly took out the Cinderella of the first round, Doritos Locos Tacos. In the Final Four they faced off against Molly and really exposed its weakness (i.e. more people talk about Molly than actually do it).

So it all comes down to this.

Now [2-seeded] Breaking Bad faces off against [5-seeded] Lists on the Internet for all the marbles. 

After much deliberation, the results are in. The winner of the 2013 Late August/early September edition of the Trendy Tournament is….

BREAKING BAD

…..

I owe it to you guys to be honest with you. This is my tournament. Altogether it will total just over 4000 words, all written by me. I really did factor in every single one of your opinions. But at the end of the day it’s my decision. 

I probably received a few more votes for Lists on the Internet. But here’s the catch, I hate lists on the internet and I can’t stand the notion of them winning a tournament that I created. Lists on the Internet are not a fad, they are an epidemic. 

Anyone can write a list. The number is arbitrary. I could write “35 Things Keenan and Kel Told Us About the US involvement in Syria” or “22 Sandlot Quotes Single People Should Live By” but they will be 80 percent pictures, make no sense and have maybe four clever jokes in the entire piece, yet they would spread like wildfire because people want to A.) “Read” something that takes less time than a Pop Tart takes to cook and B.) Share something nostalgic with someone they haven’t seen in a while. It’s gotten out of control.

One list we can endorse at Stories For Sunday is “24 Signs There Are Too Many Lists on the Internet.”

One problem that arises is the fact that there are plenty of lists on the Internet that involve Breaking Bad and there will continue to be more. A friend of mine, Joe, pointed out to me that “‘5 Ways Breaking Bad Should Have Ended’ will exist within minutes of the finale.” This is a solid point, but the question is who gets credit for this, Lists or Breaking Bad? I say it’s a wash. But considering you could write about 50 Buzzfeed/Thought Catalog lists in the time it takes to shoot one Walt Jr. breakfast scene, I’d personally give the edge to Breaking Bad.

Let’s not pretend that Breaking Bad won by default. The show has completely captivated the nation. You still can’t talk about season 2 in public because someone who isn’t caught up might try to murder you the way Gail gets murdered at the end of season 2 (sorry). Just as many people talk about Breaking Bad monday morning as talk about all the NFL games combined (according to something I just made up). 

There’s only 3 episodes left and no one has any idea what’s going to happen. Is Walter going to die? Will Jesse die? Is Walter Jr. going to get one last hearty breakfast in? Any single character could die in these last three episodes and no one would be surprised (I’m assuming they won’t kill the baby because that would be pretty brutal, but any other character could die). 

And on top of all this is the fact that R. Kelly’s “Ignition Remix” was remixed using only lines from Breaking Bad. Anything Kells touches instantly wins trendy points as far as I’m concerned. 

(Shown to me by Clark):

Also, I think this story/video will hold up as culturally relevant for years to come:

“There’s blueberries just floating out there, frozen, cause it’s in space..”

Also, no character in TV in the past ten years is as universally liked as Jesse Pinkman. He can be angry, he can be sad, drugged out, devastated, scared… no matter what he’s doing everybody wants him to win in the end. Plus, he says awesome stuff like this:

Breaking Bad will never be more trendy as it is over the next three weeks. And the excitement that it generates in people crushes the excitement that anyone gets over reading a list on the internet. That is why it is the champion of the Trendy Tourney.*

*That being said, there are only three episodes left and if Skinny Pete and Badger don’t get any airtime in any of them then I might have to retroactively eliminate the show in the first round. 

Jonny Auping 

The Trendy Tourney: The Final Four

The Trendy Tourney is a 16-seed tournament of all things trendy created in order to determine what is the biggest fad of the moment.

To see the unveiling of the Trendy Tourney click here.

To see the second round results of the Trendy Tourney click here.

To see the third round of the Trendy Tourney click here

We started with 16 trends. Only the four remain. The four trendiest fads of this moment in time. If you’re not up to date with these four things than you’re just really out of touch. You can’t go near social media without hearing about one of them. And now they square off against each other for a shot at the championship of the Trendy Tourney. High stakes, high drama stuff right here. 

Without further ado, here is who will be advancing to the championship matchup:

[5-seed] Lists on the Internet defeats [8-seed] Molly

Molly really had a historic run in this tournament. Their David Vs. Goliath-takedown of Number one-seeded Vines will not soon be forgotten. But eventually Molly wears off just when you realize that you are no longer at a rave party, but the back alley of a Chili’s Restaurant. 

And the trendy appeal of Molly wears off as well. The biggest problem going against it is that way more people talk about Molly than actually use it. The nickname caught on and now everyone thinks it’s the coolest drug on the market. But kids, drugs aren’t cool. If you’re going to waste your life away do it through Facebook, Netflix, Instagram, Twitter and fast food like responsible people. 

Lists on the Internet aren’t going anywhere. Did you know there are 31 Ways that Rugrats Apply to Post Grad Life? Well, there aren’t. But I guarantee some lazy writer will think of 31 bullshit connections that will make you feel nostalgic enough to post it on Facebook. 

Lists on the Internet are an epidemic. And they are spreading fast. 

[2-seed] Breaking Bad defeats [3-seed] Emojis 

Two powerhouse trends. Only one could win. Breaking Bad came out victorious because emojis are just something people use, Breaking Bad is something people talk about. No one goes to work and says, “did you see that emoji I used yesterday?” People do say “Oh my God, I can’t believe Walt ******** and then Jesse actually ***********.” (I blanked out actual details because people lose their mind with irrational jealous rage when the slightest Breaking Bad plot line is spoiled for them). 

Breaking Bad  was just destined to make the championship just like Badger was destined to be the best storyteller in TV history

Emojis made it along way, but their journey ends here…..Feeling Sad.

So the championship matchup will feature:

[2-seed] Breaking Bad

Versus

[5-seed] Lists on the Internet

The champion will be crowned Wednesday. Your opinion will be factored in by reaching me at jonathan.auping@gmail.com or @JonathanAuping

Jonny Auping

The Trendy Tourney: Round 3

The Trendy Tourney is a 16-seed tournament of all things trendy created in order to determine what is the biggest fad of the moment.

To see the unveiling of the tournament click here. To see the first round results click here

And then there were eight.

Eight people, shows, apps, foods and drugs left in the Trendy Tournament. A lot less people complained to me about things after the results of the first round so I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Sorry Duck Dynasty fans. You have to get over it.

It’s time to get into the second round results. A lot of really tough match-ups here. Unfortunately, we had to eliminate four spots. So here are the results:

[8-seed] Molly defeats [1-seed] Vines

Wow, the number one seed is taken down in the second round. It’s a pretty stunning development, but the drug that now only losers call “X” or “E” or “MDMA” has defeated Vines.

I think people are starting to realize how insignificant Vines really are. It’s just a short video of someone doing a beer bong or something. Nobody likes watching other people’s Vines, they just like posting their own.

But ultimately the deciding factor was this music video by rapper Tyga:

You know how Vines are usually just short videos of crazy shit happening while someone manages to say something ignorant in the five second window? Well, this is just a four minute video of crazy shit happening with a whole lot of ignorant stuff being said. And it’s all about Molly.

Now a Vine of people on Molly? That would be a whole other story…

[5-seed] Lists on the Internet defeats [13-seed] Doritos Locos Tacos

So far Lists on the Internet has rolled through its competition. They are surging in momentum as this tournament has gone on. Try to log on to Facebook and not find someone posting about a list of things from the nineties and claiming it makes them “feel so old.”

It was a good run for Doritos Locos Tacos. They took down the 5-seed Crossfit and just yesterday I had two text conversations about Doritos Locos Tacos that somehow had nothing to do with this tournament. Their cultural relevance is not in danger. But they ran into a buzzsaw today. They never stood a chance.

[3-seed] Emojis defeat [11-seed] Johnny Football

Johnny Football put up a good fight. He really did all he could. He played football exceptionally well. He got suspended. He acted like a total douchebag. He’s really the total package.

But at the end of the day, a non-football fan might have heard of him, but they don’t know much about him and don’t care. Emoticons/Emojis apply to everyone. I mean how are we supposed to express our emotions? With our words? Eff that noise.

It looks like Emojis have found their way into the Final Four…..Feeling Anxious

[2-seed] Breaking Bad defeats [7-seed] Anna Kendrick

This one hurt. Anna Kendrick doesn’t deserve to lose things. She deserves to win things. She deserves to win Trendy Tournies, Oscars, Grammys, acapella competitions…all of them. But the people have spoken. More people have reached out to me voting for Breaking Bad than any other contestant. In fact, most of them don’t even bother to vote for anything else. They just want to make their Breaking Bad obsession known. 

But if you really want to know why Breaking Bad won, then just try to spoil an episode for someone who is a few behind. They will attempt to kill you. I’m serious. Friendships end over this sort of thing. Anna Kendrick doesn’t have that type of power. 

So here is what the Final Four looks like:

[5-seed] Lists On the Internet versus [8-seed] Molly

[2-seed] Breaking Bad versus [3-seed] Emojis 

The results will be posted early next week. If you contact me at Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com or @JonathanAuping then your opinion will be factored in. 

Jonny Auping 

The Trendy Tourney: Round 2

The Trendy Tourney is a 16-seed tournament of all things trendy created in order to determine what is the biggest fad of the moment. If you missed the unveiling of the tournament and would like to see the first round match-ups click here.

It’s time to unveil the winners of the first round of the first ever Trendy Tourney. First, I’ll quickly address the most common complaints. Those of you complaining that two college football players made the list compared to zero NFL players should know that I have no anti-NFL bias. The NFL is equally as trendy as it is every year, but not any more than it usually is. And while people are just excited about the sport, there are no players or teams that are especially hyped going into the season. I also received some angry responses from people upset that I compared Shawshank Redemption to The Mummy Returns. I’ll give you that one. I was pretty out of line and that comparison was borderline unforgivable. I truly apologize.

Now, on to the results:

[1-Seed] Vines defeats [16-seed] SnapChat

 

If you think about it, it doesn’t really make sense that either of these things are as popular as they both are. They just aren’t very practical. But nonetheless, the thing that creates short, choppy, pieced together videos with brutal audio defeated the app on your phone that you could basically already do by texting. 

Side-note: If anyone has even more free time than me, I’m interested in creating a Tumblr, Twitter account or Facebook page called “Socially Conscious Vines.” It would basically piece together five seconds compilations of famous speeches about Civil Rights or social improvement, but each clip would feature poorly positioned camera work and the audio would always cut off at the most annoying time. Also, each Vine would end with a dog driving a car.

[2-seed] Breaking Bad defeats [15-seed] Saying YOLO Ironically 

This was pretty much a landslide victory for Breaking Bad. What really separated it wasn’t the people who are watching the current season live, but all the people that are still trying to catch up on Netflix and randomly tweet about episodes from Season three as if anyone else just so happened to watch that episode at the same time as them. The show is still running off of momentum that it built up three years ago. Our nation loves nothing more to watch hours of Breaking Bad and not be bothered by anyone. YOLO.

[3-seed] Emojis defeats [14-seed] Pretending There Isn’t A Huge Conflict in Syria

Pretending There Isn’t a Huge Conflict in Syria never really stood a chance here. To be fair, over the weekend, we all did a great job of completely ignoring the giant political issue on the other side of the world. However, the problem is that in order to pretend there isn’t a huge conflict in Syria, we have to avoid talking about it. And we have to talk about something for it to be trendy. So emojis win by default—– Feeling Excited.

[13-seed] Doritos Locos Tacos defeat [4-seed] CrossFit

Our first big upset of the tournament. CrossFit put up a good fight, but you have to understand that this did not include ToughMudder or ColorRun. If they were one giant conglomerate then it might have been a different result. But separately, they all just seem like things that will be remembered no differently than Zumba, Tao Bo, and P-90x. There will soon be a time when we again exercise just to be healthy and not to get a profile picture of ourselves dirty and posing with a couple casual friends. 

[5-seed] Lists on the Internet defeated [12-seed] Jadeveon Clowney 

This was the largest margin of victory in the entire tournament. Clowney did himself no favors by having a very quiet opening day of college football. Meanwhile, 19 WTF Moments From Full House is still the sort of thing that distracts you from the job you hate. 

[11-seed] Johnny Football defeats [6-seed] Hating on Miley Cyrus

This was the closest matchup of the first round. I really expected Miley to pull this one out, but I just don’t think the hate is as strong a week after the VMA’s. I mean, everyone seemed to love her “We Can’t Stop” video for how insane it was. Then she did those things in public and it made everyone crazy. That kind of hype doesn’t last. 

Johnny Football kicked off the season by serving a half game suspension, throwing three touchdowns in the second half, making a “get money” sign when he was suspended for selling his own autograph, and getting a penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. The guy’s just going too strong right now. 

[7-seed] Anna Kendrick defeats [10-seed] Duck Dynasty 

I just had to make an executive decision on this one. It was too close. But too many people find Anna Kendrick extremely likable. I apologized for the Mummy Returns/Shawshank comparison, but I stand by the Pitch Perfect/Shawshank comparison. Get mad at me if you want to, but I’m not turning either of them off when they’re on TV. 

But I have to give credit to Duck Dynasty after reading this insane fact from TV writer Andy Greenwald: “The highest-rated episodes of Breaking Bad and Mad Men combined would still only equal about 75 percent of Duck Dynasty’s Season Four premier episode.”

Whatever… “Cups” makes me smile. 

[8-seed] Molly defeats [9-seed] Not Knowing What to Do When Someone Adds You on Google+

People love saying Molly. Some people like taking it. But not nearly as much as they love saying it. 

So here is what the second round will look like:

[1-seed] Vines versus [8-seed] Molly

[13-seed] Doritos Locos Tacos versus [5-seed] Lists on the Internet

[3-seed] Emojis versus [11-seed] Johnny Football

[7-seed] Anna Kendrick versus [2-seed] Breaking Bad

If you contact me at Jonathan.Auping@gmail.com or on Twitter @JonathanAuping then your vote will be factored in. The second round results will be posted later this week. 

Jonny Auping