Tuesdays With 2 Chainz: Special 2 Chainz Unit

Tuesdays With 2 Chainz” is a recuring feature in which the author takes a moment to discuss what is new in the life of rapper 2 Chainz or bless the public with assorted bits of 2 Chainz trivia. 

A lot of you might think that 2 Chainz is just a rapper. That, my friends, is incorrect. He’s also an actor in shows that make very little sense for him to be in. Last week we discussed his role in the CBS sitcom “2 Broke Girls.” 

This week we’re going to talk about his short role on an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. If you don’t know anything about the show the basic premise is that someone gets raped in the opening scene and throughout the show Ice-T, a chick named Benson and a dude named Stabler (who have some sort of weird sexual tension), attempt to solve the rape case. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they catch the rapist, sometimes they don’t.

Enter 2 Chainz. Season 15, episode 22, titled “Poison Method.” I didn’t see this episode of Law and Order: SVU and 2 Chainz’ almost 65 combined words of dialogue are nowhere on Youtube to be found. But luckily for you, I spent about 10 minutes fast forwarding through the online episode until I saw 2 Chainz.

This is what I now know about this episode:

  • 2 Chainz plays a character named “Calvin Jones.”

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Tuesdays with 2 Chainz

2 Chainz is amazing. 

I’m not sure why he’s amazing. But he is. It might be his ridiculously slow and overemphasized souther drawl. It might be his simple lyrics. Or it might just be the cool way he introduces himself before he starts rhyming. 

But I DO know that he is much like ranch dressing. Ranch dressing makes everything better, but if ranch dressing is your favorite food then you probably need some sort of helmet in your everyday life.

Back to my original point: 2 Chainz is amazing. 

And there are just too many 2 Chainz-related thoughts running through my head for me not to document them in some way. But what am I going to do, pick a day of the week and just randomly write about 2 Chainz every week?

That’s exactly what I’m going to do. And I’m going to call it “Tuesdays with 2 Chainz.”

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The Never Forget Legacy Draft

The NFL Draft is tonight on ESPN. NFL stands for National Football League. You probably knew that.

But what if it didn’t?

What if it stood for Never Forget Legacy? What if the draft were just a process where different cities get to draft celebrities that are no longer in the spotlight to represent their city as the token nostalgia-inducing star who tourists and locals alike can bond over?

Something this stupid would only exist here at Stories For Sunday. So you can be sure that I will provide you with the results of the first ever Never Forget Legacy Draft…

1.) Kansas City, MO: Eric Matthews

With the first overall selection, the city of Kansas City selects Cory’s older brother, Eric.

Great move by KC, here. Not only would he be a great person to walk the streets and greet citizens, but he could also go to sporting events and local business openings and yell, “FEEEENNNIEEE!!!” into the microphone as a sort of symbol to start the event.

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My Email to Justin Timberlake’s Restaurant

justin-timberlake-1998-1

Some might say I’m a “petty” guy.

Some guys have lives that are just exponeitally cooler than mine. Not to say that I take for granted all the great stuff in my own life, but I’ll be honst, I get jealous of some people.

A few months ago Ryan Gosling was one of those people. When I realized that on top of being a good looking, incredibly talented actor who is every girl’s fantasy, he also owned an upscale restaraunt in Los Angeles, I became all the more jealous.

That led me to write this email to Gosling’s Moroccan establishment about five months ago. For whatever reason, that email became one of the most popular posts that this website has ever published.

Fast forward to right now.

It turns out, on the opposite side of the country, in New York City, there is another restaurant that happens to be owned by a wealthy, successful, talented and famous young gentleman.

It’s called “Southern Hospitality BBQ” and it is a passion project of none other than Justin Timberlake.

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Rappers’ Takes On Valentine’s Day

This will mark the first time in a few years that I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day. The thought of chocolate hearts, romantic dinners and horse drawn carriages has left me in a slightly emotional, fragile and confused state.

So in order to make sense of all these Valentine’s Day feelings I turned to the wisest and most rationale group of people out there: rappers. Hip hop has taught me plenty of things from how to dougie to how to rob (I have yet to take advantage of either, but still). So I took to twitter to see if the rap community could help me with the Valentine’s Blues.

Here’s what I came up with:

*Also provided is an additional non-related tweet to allow for some deeper perspective of the rapper’s wisdom.

MEEK MILL

Word. I’m going to call it Thursday too. Or Day That Parks and Recreation Is on. Or Treat Yo Self Day. Great advice Aziz… I mean Meek.

Additional Wisdom:

I feel like people who take this advice to heart will have trouble becoming huge fans of this website. I wrote an entire article about Don Cheadle on The Fresh Prince of Bel-AirProps to anyone who thought twice and still gave a f*ck about that.

________________________________________________________

Mista FAB

I have no idea what this luncheon consists of, but my imagination is running wild. I assume there are a bunch of rappers present and they are all consoling each other through heartbreak from the past over lobster bisque and side salads. I would also like to think there is a lot of Ghost Riding happening within a reasonable distance of the luncheon.

Additional Wisdom:

Seriously people, the tickets to the luncheon are TEN dollars, not nine.

________________________________________________________

Joe Budden

C’mon Joe, I’m looking to you guys for advice. You can’t be asking me questions.

I clearly came to the wrong person.

______________________________________________________

Ludacris

For someone who is normally really smooth in his songs that was a pretty unfunny and disturbing joke.

Additional wisdom:

Now that’s a funny joke. Also, I don’t recommend doing this at all. Spolier alert: the flight crashes in Flight.

________________________________________________________

Nicki Minaj 

It isn’t weird that she tweeted this. It’s weird that she retweeted most of the responses. And they’re just about as vulgar as you might expect.

Additional wisdom:

Don’t sell yourself short, anyone who does well in school, or accomplishes anything for that matter, should attribute it to you, Nicki Minaj.

________________________________________________________

Juicy J

Some of us don’t have someone to spoil, JJ. Or any money to spoil her with. Sometimes I feel like you don’t get me at all.

Additional Wisdom:

Alright, alright, I take it back. You DO get me.

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I don’t know about you guys, but I for one learned nothing.
Happy Valentine’s
-Jonny Auping

Yahoo! Trending: ‘I Never Chase Boys’

Yahoo! Trending is a recurring feature in which I check the interest in of the general public in our great country by finding out what stories are trending on Yahoo! I simply log on to Yahoo.com, click on the topic that grabs my attention and break it down. 

For this edition of Yahoo! Trending we find out just how powerful and famous of a person Taylor Swift is. As always, there were a number of interesting topics to choose from. Current events like “Megan Fox’s Son,” “BuckWild Star arrested” and “Pink Planet in the Sky.”

But there was one simple run of the mill quote sitting at number seven: “I Never Chase Boys.” It didn’t even say where the quote came from. But somehow there are enough Taylor Swift fans out there to know that it came from the pop/country singer.

So I clicked on the topic and was led to this article about T-Swift.

It’s essentially a recap of the most normal, mundane conversation a celebrity can have, but because she is Taylor Swift and used the word “boys,” about a bajillion people wanted to read it.

I’d like to believe I am an adequate representative of the rationale public so here is a breakdown of the few things Swift said in the article (originally taken from a Ryan Seacrest interview).

On Valentines Day:

I’m probably going to be with my friends, or rehearsing. I’ll be like, working on the lighting rig, and lighting cues. And I don’t think I’d rather be anywhere else, to be honest.

Yeah, aren’t lighting rigs the best? 

On her new album, “22”:

“I wrote [’22’] about my friends. Finally, I’ve got this amazing group of girlfriends. We tell each other everything, we’re together all the time. That was kind of the marker of me being 22, is like, having all these friends. There are a lot of question marks in your life, like where are you going, who are you going to meet, but the one thing that you have is each other.”

That’s so true. I think all that stuff you said is what being a 16-year old girl is all about. Wait, you said 22? 

Continued on her best friends:

“I would say I have 15 best friends.”

That makes sense. I would say I have 15 least favorite Taylor Swift songs.*

*For the record, I can’t act like I’m too cool for all Taylor Swift songs. I still listen to “Our Song” and “Love Story.” I’m sorry that they’re extremely catchy.

On Google Alerts (or something):

“I’m sure if I looked up the latest Google Alerts rumor it would say I’m chasing somebody who doesn’t like me as much as I like him – people love that angle on me.”

-Uhh I don’t have a Taylor Swift Google alerts. Some of us have lives. I only have a 2 Chainz Google alert and I’ll have you know that he just appeared in an episode of  “2 Broke Girls.” Pretty cool, huh? Enjoy your lighting rigs.

On people’s perception of her:

“They’re like ‘Oh Taylor, coming on too strong again, chasing boys.”

-Oh Taylor, people don’t really talk like that.

On Never Chasing Boys:

“I never chase boys. They don’t like that.”

Yeah, we totally hate that. Kind of like how dogs hate being fed and you hate attention. 

 

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And that’s what’s happening in America…

-Jonny Auping

The Kim/Kanye Celebrity Babysitter Reality Show

I could always use extra work.

You could say money is tight. A couple weeks ago I wrote an article that joked about my desire to be the babysitter for Blue Ivy Carter. It would be a dream job. I assume it pays far more than I make in a year. It wouldn’t exactly be difficult; watch EPSN on a 75-inch TV while BIC naps and dreams baby celebrity dreams. Plus, I’d be on a first name basis with Jay-Z and Beyonce (which I already am, but they would actually be on a first name basis with me, which makes it seem a lot cooler).

In that same article I also made a joke about how I would not want to be the babysitter for the soon-to-be baby of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. While Jay-Z and Beyonce seem to be level-headed, entertainers/entrepreneurs who serve as reasonably competent parents, Kimye Westdasian is the combination of a tortured artist/obsessive attention seeker and an over privileged drama queen/obsessive attention seeker (I mean this in the best possible way). Anyone with even a poor grasp of basic genetics (like me) could come to the conclusion that this kid is going to be a handful. Babysitting for the little diva might pay well, but I doubt it’s worth it.

That being said, somebody’s got to do it. They’re going to be busy parents. Kanye will be busy recording/producing hit records and Kim will be busy running around on TV pretending to be busy. Someone will have to take that kid to karate lessons and baby parasailing sessions and all the other crazy shit I’m sure they will sign it up for.

That’s why I suggest a reality show where B-list celebrities compete for the chance to become the babysitter for the child of Kim Kardashian/Kanye West upon its birth. It starts with a big field of contestants and one by one they are eliminated. It could be a yearly show and the kid could have a new babysitter every year as it gets older.

Genius right? And to think someone with ideas as great as this isn’t a multi-millionaire yet.

People love celebrities competing while doing tasks that everyday, non-famous people do all the time. Why do you think The Apprentice  is still on the air? It’s sure as hell not because Donald Trump is entertaining, charismatic or intelligent. An apprenticeship with him isn’t even a cool or interesting job. But he’s the only one taking advantage of this market. Kim/Kanye Celebrity Babysitter Reality Show would blow it out of the water.

Vh1, MTV, E!, Bravo: Listen up, I take no favorites. I will sell this idea to the highest bidder. I assume that because I thought of it first I hold complete intellectual rights to the show.

If you’re still not sold on the idea let me toss around a few possibilities for the cast of season one.

Paris Hilton:

I assume that Paris Hilton and Kim Karshashian are rivals. I don’t know this for certain, but they are both rich socialites who seek attention by doing  offensive or slutty things. And they both released sex tapes.

Paris has got to be crazy jealous of how much more attention Kim gets than her these days. She would probably do anything for a sustained trip back in the limelight. Imagine how much Kim would enjoy having Paris work for her and be her lowly employee. But on the other hand, Paris could get back at her by slowly manipulating the child to dislike Kim. There are a lot of plots to be had here.

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Famous People Doing Things

My days are typically spent writing.

About five or six days of the week I put myself in front of the computer and type whatever I need to have written for the near future (or whatever I feel like writing about).

Normally (due to what would appear to be the first signs of attention deficit disorder) the first 15 or 20 minutes that I’m in front of the computer are spent reading current events. The first three minutes are usually spent reading about the actual news and the next 12 to 17 minutes are spent reading about the ridiculous things going on in the entertainment world.

The past week or so I have been particularly busy and fell behind in my daily fix of pointless celebrity drama. So this morning I woke up early and caught up as best I could. Here is what I found…

Chris Brown Hits Another Talented Person:

Apparently Chris Brown is doing that thing where he fights with people again.

Recently, Brown got in an altercation with fellow R&B artist Frank Ocean. It occurred outside of a parking lot (reportedly over a parking space). People were shoved, punches were thrown, both sides say the other one started it, it just kind of fizzled out and the police arrived too late to really determine anything. So basically it was just like any other pointless, irrelevant fight that no one cares about except for the fact that these two guys sing good.

For those of you who don’t know Frank Ocean, he is a young, extremely talented R&B artist who many people believe to be the man who is saving the genre. Chris Brown is the reason that most people believe the R&B genre needs saving. He was also in Stomp the Yard.

The two have history of beef that goes back a year or so and started on Twitter. After the fight, Ocean tweeted that he “got jumped by Chris and a couple guys and cut my finger. Now I can’t play with two hands at the Grammy’s.” Ocean plays the piano and is nominated for “Best Record,” “Best Album,” and “Best New Artist” at the Grammy’s. Brown dances and was nominated for “Best Urban Contemporary Album” at the Grammy’s (which Ocean was also nominated for).

Brown didn’t like the negative attention he had received after the fight so he took to Instagram and posted a picture of Jesus being crucified claiming it reminded him of how he felt. That seems like a fair comparison..

At this point I think that a collaboration between all the people that Brown has physically hit might result in one of the best songs the radio has ever heard.

Tony Soprano’s daughter found her real life Turtle:

You probably know Jamie-Lynn Sigler from one of two TV shows. You either know her from The Sopranos where she plays Tony Soprano’s daughter or you know her from Entourage where she played herself and dated Turtle, a goofy guy that wears backwards hats, has a beard and gets by off the fame of someone else.

She eventually broke up with Turtle in Entourage, but guess what? She’s engaged to a goofy guy that wears a backwards hat (sometimes), has a beard and gets by off of the fame of someone else.

Sigler is marrying Cutter Dykstra, the son of former baseball great Lenny Dykstra. Cutter (probably as weird of a name as Turtle) has been playing minor league baseball for the past five seasons, possibly because no one wants to be the minor league manager that cuts Lenny Dyksra’s son (to be fair, I’m totally speculating and have no idea how good he is. For all I know he could be the shining star of the Hagerstown Suns).

In related news, Lenny Dkystra is in jail for doing a lot of illegal stuff. 

Katy Perry has Potato Chips:

I was grocery shopping the other day and an old lady stopped me to give me a sample. She handed me a tiny paper container with three kettle corn chips in them. They were quite tasty. She said, “These are Katy Perry’s new chips.” Then she handed me an entire bag of them and said “here’s a free bag” and told me where I could buy the product that she had just given to me for free. I’m not sure she really understands the sample game.

I didn’t really believe that they were Katy Perry’s chips until I read the back of the bag and sure enough, she not only endorsed the product, but had this particular flavor (Katy’s Kettle Corn) named after her.

She also has an ad campaign for the chips where she holds two bags over her chest with the slogan “Nothing fake about em”, which I think might be a very subtle strategy to get the consumer to think about her breasts.

I hope whoever is watching the Super Bowl with me likes Katy’s Kettle Corn because I now have way more than I can eat. Well played, old grocery store sample lady, well played.

And that’s current events in America.

-Jonny Auping

Why America Needs 2 Chainz Holograms

I think we can probably all agree that the top news stories of 2012 were, in some order: the re-election of Barrack Obama, the effects of Hurricane Sandy and the Tupac hologram at Coachella.

If you haven’t seen the video footage of Tupac reincarnated to perform with Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre then I’m assuming someone printed this article out and handed it to you because I refuse to believe that someone who spends any time on the internet has not seen that video.

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