The Intellectual Sequel To the Entourage Movie

entourage

Are you absolutely sure they already made an Entourage movie? I think I would have remembered that.

Let me see the synopsis. Yadda yadda yadda…Vince directs and stars in an adaptation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…yadda yadda yadda…E. and Sloan have a baby. I don’t know, I’m pretty sure all of that, or something essentially just like it, happened in season five. Or six. Or two.

It says here that, instead of playing himself, Billy Bob Thornton played a fictional studio head and Haley Joel Osment played his incompetent son. This doesn’t sound right.

Well, so what if they already made a movie? It’s not like they can’t do a sequel. Besides, I’m thinking about a totally different kind of Entourage, one where Vince tries to abandon the hollowness of mainstream Hollywood and experiments with the heights of his own intellectualism. No more blockbusters or box office concerns. A complete departure from stardom into near anonymity. Maybe the occasional Noah Baumbach flick or a This American Life story about the first time he met E. 

I’m not totally sure I would buy him and Greta Gerwig as a couple, but I’m not totally sure I wouldn’t. You know what I mean?

Writers, poets, philosophers, playwrights, and essayists are allowed to have entourages too. Nothing about being a member of the intelligentsia prevents one from having friends, and I don’t see why we can’t take that this journey into the life of the mind with the same cast of characters we’ve grown to love. There are plenty of storylines to mine. Imagine if Turtle tries to keep up with Vince on a philosophical level so he’s reading Thorough and Emerson on his Kindle, and Sloan laughs at the irony of it all, and E. laughs too even though he doesn’t totally understand what’s wrong with reading Walden on a Kindle, and Johnny tries to call out E. for not actually knowing what irony is and, and E. would be all like, “I know what ironic means, Drama!”

I mean, it might not sustain an entire plot, but it’s a jumping off point. I’m spit balling here.

Of course, plenty of people just watch Entourage for its blatant misogyny and tendencies to pigeonhole versatile women, and I don’t see why any of that would have to go anywhere for this version. No need to nix the celebrity cameos either. Just sprinkle in a couple happenstance run-ins with Ta-Nehisi Coates and Lin-Manuel Miranda. Maybe Drama will beg for a part in a traveling Hamilton show.

Is it the Entourage movie that America is asking for? Probably not, but it just might be the Entourage movie that America needs right now; Turtle is the last relevant voice that hasn’t weighed in on Gamer Gate, after all.

Has Elon Musk finally met his match in Ari Gold? Probably not considering Musk is an enormously successful engineer, inventor, and CEO and Ari Gold is a rage-filled, shout-monster whose degradation of women somehow leads to starring roles for his clients. But then again, does Elon Musk have Lloyd? Because Ari does, and when he makes his play for executive control of SpaceX, Musk will never see it coming.

This will come in handy in the third act when Vince decides that the true subtext of Kierkegaard can’t actually be understood unless read from beyond the Earth’s atmosphere. That’s why he, Turtle, Turtle’s dog Arnold, and three porn stars takeoff on a quest that’s part Interstellar, part Grand Budapest Hotel, and part Furious 7. Billy Bob Thornton, known mostly for his role in the original Entourage movie, would play a visibly overworked but reassuringly confidant ground control supervisor. Jason Schwartzman would play the space shuttle librarian.

I can sense your concerns, but let me assure you that the sequel will have the same old vibe you’re used to from the Entourage franchise, only much more pretentious. Bring your own personal entourage to the theater and watch E. try to get an op-ed in the Atlantic Monthly or Drama triumphantly prove that Charlie Kaufman is still alive or Turtle struggle to figure out what MOMA stands for.

I think we’re all ready for Vince to grow up, and Entourage 2: Le Retour is where it finally happens.

-Jonny Auping

 

Should Puppy in Drunk Driving Ad Still Be Worried?

Don’t drink and drive. The people who sell the number one product leading to bad decisions don’t want you to. But don’t avoid it for them. Don’t avoid it for your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, sister, brother, mom or dad. Don’t avoid it for your friends. Don’t even avoid it for your own life and all the great things you have yet to accomplish. Avoid it for a good looking guy’s fictional dog.

Budweiser really dropped a bomb on driving under the influence recently with an anti-drunk driving ad featuring an incredibly adorable puppy-turned-dog. Will this dog prevent people from endangering their lives and the lives of others on the road? Who knows, but if we spread it around on social media enough then we might all have the courage to ridicule anyone who even thinks about it. I’m happy to do my part. Anything for this cutie:

So we solved the drunk driving problem.

But now that I’m fully invested in this dog’s happiness, I’m concerned about something else entirely: Who is “Dave” and should the dog be worried about him?

At the end of the ad, the owner of Aware Bud (I have given the dog this name as we aren’t provided one in the ad. It’s a play on Air Bud, drunk driving awareness and the fact that Bud is owned by Anheuser  Busch, otherwise known as “AB,” which is Aware Bud’s nickname given to him by Gary, the name I have made up for his owner who we think died in a senseless drunk driving accident, but was far too caring for such a mistake) says to him, “I decided I shouldn’t drive home last night. I stayed at Dave’s.”

You’re going to have to do better than that, Gary, if that’s even your real name (it almost certainly isn’t). This dog just went through an emotional roller coaster. Those wimpers have haunted my dreams since this commercial was first posted on my Facebook feed a few days ago. I’m indescribably relieved that AB’s owner isn’t dead, but I’m a little worried that this “Dave” character could be a problem. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Dave could be another dog.

Could Gary be cheating on AB? He’s clearly the type of guy that talks to his dog like it’s a human, is it that farfetched that he talks about dogs like they are humans?

Look, we’ve all seen this story before. Good lucking guy finds the perfect partner and they get together in the early days. In the beginning it’s all fun and games: early morning snuggle sessions in bed and trips to the lake. Over time things begin to get repetitive and mundane. He doesn’t look at his partner the same way anymore. He develops a wandering eye. He is constantly grabbing six-packs of beer and mysteriously staying out late while his partner remains at home, worried.

2. Dave could be a human he is romantically involved with.

This in itself isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it could be great. Maybe Gary and Dave are truly in love. Perhaps the three of them will form one happy family with incredible Christmas cards.

BUT why are they always staying at Dave’s place? Maybe Gary just isn’t ready to tell AB about Dave and he will when the time is right. This is a delicate matter, he has to be sure first.

OR maybe Dave is allergic to dogs. Then we have a real problem. I’m all for love and romance, but Dave, if you tear these two apart, with God as my witness, I will send so many twenty-something female Facebook users in the direction of your profile so fast your head will spin.

3. Dave could be a cat.

Jesus Christ, Gary.

4. Dave could be one of these guys:

Budweiser has sold us cuteness before. They showed us an adorable dog befriending a clydesdale and reuniting them in a touching moment in between Doritos and Go Daddy Super Bowl commercials. The two animals had nothing to do with beer, but we all bought Bud Lights anyway.

This commercial has about as much to do with drunk driving. It’s a story of a guy who didn’t drink and drive and his dog who really loves him. It’s a commercial for Budweiser as much as it’s an anti-drunk driving commercial. You’re much more likely to think about that little pup when you’re in the beer aisle than when you’re slurring your words and trying to unlock your car.

I’m glad that Budweiser used their powers of cuteness for good, but ultimately advertising is effective with simple cases of association. The association with that dog is the Budweiser logo. That’s what will stick.

Even if adorable #friends aren’t #waiting, don’t drink and drive. You could die. Or kill someone else. If that’s not a good enough reason, then just do it for them:

Jonny Auping

 

Which Parks and Recreation Character Are You?

parks and rec

We all love those quizes on the Internet that help determine which character from TV sitcoms most closely represents us. They are a fun way to interact with our favorite shows. They’re just flat out addicting and irresistible. 

So I decided to create one myself for my current favorite comedy on TV: Parks and Recreation. Will you be Leslie? What about Tom Havorford? Are you a lovable nerd like Ben? Or maybe a wildcard like April or a goof like Andy…There are so many possibilities. 

The quizes that most websites use ask the participant a bunch of random, unrelated questions and using an algorithm, they take the combination of your answers to show you which character you are. 

Unfortunately, here at Stories For Sunday we don’t have access to the same technology as sites like Buzzfeed  so instead of allowing you to click on each answer we have a different system. I have assigned a numerical value to each answer for you to write down and you will have to do the slightest bit of math at the end. You simply add all your numbers together and I have developed a system that will determine which character you are depending on where your range of numbers falls.

Without further ado here are your eight questions and your character will be revealed at the end:

*Remember to write down the number next to each of your answers in order to find out your character. 

What is your favorite kind of music?

music

1. Country

2. Classical 

3. Hip Hop

4. Pop

5. Rock

6. Jazz

What’s your favorite sport to watch?

sports

1. Soccer

2. Football

3. Baseball

4. Basketball

5. Tennis

6. I don’t like sports

What country do you most want to travel to?

map

1. Spain

2. France

3. Mexico 

4. Australia 

5. Japan

6. You won’t catch me leaving the US of A.

What type of food do you like most:

food

1.) Hamburger

2.) Hot Dog

3.) Taco

4.) Pizza

5.) Sandwich

6.) Pasta

What’s your favorite kind of soda?

soda

1. Coca-Cola

2. 7-Up

3. Root Beer 

4. Mountain Dew

5. Dr. Pepper

6. Sprite

What’s your favorite meal of the day?

meals

1. Breakfast

2. Lunch 

3. Brunch

4. Dinner

5. I eat 5 small meals a day

6. Midnight snack

What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

rainy day

1. Catch up on paper work 

2. Come up with a new business idea

3. Watch movies

4. Read a book

5. Do home exercises 

6. Rain doesn’t stop me from interacting with nature

What’s your favorite decade?

decades

1. Roaring Twenties

2. Free Love Sixties

3. Disco Seventies 

4. Reagan Eighties 

5. Grunge Nineties 

6. I live in the present 

—————————————————————————————————————-

Alright, have you kept track of all your answers?

It’s time to find out which Parks and Recreation character you are….

…we have determined that you are……………..

Jerry

 

JERRY GIRGICH!!!!

After running the numbers we came to the conclusion that none of the other characters on Parks and Recreation would take a quiz to determine which character they are in a TV sitcom. Furthermore, most of these questions are completely arbitrary in just about every sense that one would need to relate to this show and thus Jerry is the only character who would continue taking this quiz all the way to its conclusion.

Thanks for participating in our first ever quiz!

By the way, if you were wondering which New Girl character you are, it’s not Jess.

-Jonny Auping 

Tuesdays with 2 Chainz: A Cameo on Downton Abbey?

2 chainzabbey

Listen up Downton Abbey, I’m talking to you. The Walking Dead is back. And it’s coming hard for your Sunday night viewers. I know you’re probably thinking “we are on PBS, our viewers are far too sophisticated to watch zombie shows.” WRONG. My studies have shown that upwards of a bajillion people watch The Walking Dead so the probability would suggest that there is at least some crossover. 

So I’m here to help you out with some advice. You have to shake things up. I have an idea. I’ll admit that I have never seen an episode of Downton Abbey. I do know, however, that it seems to lack diversity, which is never a good thing for a show trying to get viewers. I have also done studies that prove that you’re not attracting a ton of black viewers (considerably less than a bajillion). 

So here’s my plan: give 2 Chainz a cameo on Downton Abbey. I’m not trying to imply that all black people enjoy 2 Chainz (I would never make such a generalization), but he would help diversify the show a little bit and he’s a popular musician/one time star of 2 Broke Girls).

Why would 2 Chainz do this? Well, just as your lack of diversity has cost you certain demographics, 2 Chainz is also struggling in one demographic: middle-aged moms. Moms don’t like 2 Chainz/know who he is. On the other hand ALL moms love Downton Abbey (I’m totally comfortable making this generalization). It’s a win/win for both sides.

Oh, you don’t think a rapper would be interested in appearing in a show about an aristocratic British family in the early 1900s? Well, 2 Chainz isn’t like most rappers. He’s different, as evidenced by this song:

I can already tell you’re probably worried about his lack of acting experience. Well, before you start making assumptions let me introduce you to 2 Chainz’ cameo in Law and Order: SVU last year:

“Dis man will peel my face off, sew it to a soccer ball, and kick into my mother’s yard.” Has Robert Crawley ever delivered a line with that much passion? I doubt it.

Not convinced yet? How about this cameo on 2 Broke Girls:

Think about it, he was asleep for 70 percent of the clip, yet he still managed to have the best performance of anyone in the scene. 

First you hit em with the Law and Order: SVU. Then you come at em with the 2 Broke Girls. The next logical step is Downton Abbey

You’re probably wondering how 2 Chainz’s character should be involved in the plot. I can’t do your entire job for you. You’re creative people, I’m sure you can figure something out. I don’t even watch the show. I heard Mary Crawley is looking for a new suitor. Might I suggest Sir Duel Chainz throw his hat in the ring? I’m hearing clamoring that Nanny West could use a cool sidekick. Nanny Chainz would be a nice plot twist, dont you think?

That part is up to you, but as the person who came up with this idea I do have one request: I think his character should have to say the words “biscuits and crumpets” at least once. I don’t know if that is a regularly used phrase in your show, but I just want to hear how he says it. I bet he thinks of a really cool way to say it. I also think it would be a funny idea to have him always refer to it as “Downtown” Abbey even after being corrected numerous times. I didn’t realize the extra ‘w’ wasn’t there until sometime during season two. 

In conclusion, you’re welcome and, as they say in England, cheers.

-Jonny Auping

Papa John’s and Peyton Manning’s Post Super Bowl Email Exchange

You all saw the Super Bowl. You saw the Seattle Seahawks crush the Denver Broncos in the biggest game of the year. You saw Peyton Manning throw two interceptions and fail to move the ball down field against the Seattle defense. If you didn’t see it, people have been talking about it for days so you‘ve at least heard about it. 

But what you might not know is that there has been a rumor going around (perhaps started by me) that Papa John’s has been considering ending their well-known partnership with Manning after his below average performance in the Super Bowl. 

Look, I’m a journalist, a super-duper respected one at that, so it would be below me to write about a rumor that has no substantial evidence just to get people to read my article. So I did some reporting (and snooping) and obtained the following email exchange between the CEO of Papa John’s, John Schnatter, and Peyton Manning himself. Today I’ll share that email exchange with all of you so that you can see for yourself that the relationship between pizza and quarterback is truly over.

——————————————————————————————————————————–

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Monday, February 3rd, 9:02 AM

Peyton. Hey, it’s me, John Schnatter, CEO of Papa John’s. First of all, I want to congratulate you again on a great season. No quarterback has ever had a regular season like the one you had this year. You should be proud. I also want to express my condolences for losing in the Super Bowl to the Seahawks. I know how much that game meant to you.

I know this isn’t a great time, but the reason I’m emailing you is to let you know that we have chosen to drop you as our signature celebrity endorser. The problem is that Seattle really beat you guys up pretty badly. 43-8 is about as bad as it gets. See, at Papa John’s we like to maintain the reputation that we crush our competition. It’s hard to do that when a face of our franchise is getting dominated in front of the entire world. I’m sure you understand.

Sincerely,

John Schnatter,CEO, Papa John’s Enterprises

————————————————————————————————————————-

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

Feb. 3rd, 10:12 AM

Papa Nooooooo!!!!!

Seriously Papa you can’t do this to me. Filming those PJ commercials is how I convince myself to get out of bed every morning.

Look, I know the Super Bowl was bad, but you don’t understand how good the Seattle defense was. They were tackling me before I could throw the ball. Normally, when I drop back in the pocket I have about as much time to throw as it takes Domino’s to deliver a pizza (forever), but on Sunday I had about as much time to throw as it takes to fill out a survey online letting us know how your service was at Papa John’s in order to get a free topping on your next pizza (literally seconds).

C’mon Papa, give me another chance.

——————————————————————————————————————————

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Feb. 3rd, 10:20 AM

I’m really sorry Petyon. We’ve made our decision.

There’s something else I want to talk to you about. I don’t understand why you always call me Papa. My name is John. You can just call me John. Just because I own Papa John’s doesn’t mean people call me Papa. You’re a grown man, Peyton. And I know you have a dad. His name is Archie. He played in the NFL.

—————————————————————————————————————————

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

Feb. 3rd, 10:26 AM

He’s my dad? I thought he was my agent. Why is he taking 10% of all my earnings?

—————————————————————————————————————————

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Feb. 3rd, 10:33 AM

I don’t know, Peyton. That’s something you’ll have to discuss with him. I know this whole thing is hard for you, but it was a pleasure doing business with you and I wish you continued success going forward.

—————————————————————————————————————————

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

Feb. 3rd, 10:36 AM

Wait…Papa…Can you just answer one question for me? Can you tell me who you picked to replace me as your celebrity endorser?

————————————————————————————————————————–

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Feb. 3rd, 10:52 AM

I don’t know if this is a good idea. Since you asked, I’ll be honest with you, but please don’t be mad or insulted…We are bringing on Russell Wilson to be the face of Papa John’s.

—————————————————————————————————————————

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

Feb. 3rd, 11:20 AM

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

The guy that played Dwight on The Office? That guy has an even bigger forehead than I do. There’s no way Papa John Nation is going to respond well to him.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Feb. 3rd, 11:30 AM

What? No that’s Raine Wilson. Russell Wilson is the quarterback of the Seahawks. The guy who literally just beat you in the Super Bowl. How do you not know his name?

—————————————————————————————————————————

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

Feb. 3rd 11:39 AM

Oh, that guy. Yeah, I guess that makes more sense. Did you know he plays baseball too? He’s so athletic and in great shape. He probably doesn’t eat a lot of our signature giant cookie pies. His loss, am I right?

Well, if this is really happening (and I strongly suggest it doesn’t happen) then I have one request. Can I continue to get extra garlic butter packages for free? One packet doesn’t serve a whole pizza and there’s no way I’m spending 75 cents on a little bit of garlic butter.

—————————————————————————————————————————-

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Feb. 3rd, 12:02 PM

Seriously? You make like 19 million dollars a year.

——————————————————————————————————————-

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

Feb. 3rd, 12:27 PM

Actually, I made like 60 million dollars this year. I bet 40 million dollars on the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl.That’s a lot of large Tuscan Six Cheese pizzas, am I right?

——————————————————————————————————————

To: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com

From: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com

Feb. 3rd, 12:45 PM

Please don’t email me again. 

——————————————————————————————————————————-

To: SchnattyLiteCEO@PapaJohns.com*

From: ImDaManning@DenverBroncos.com*

Feb. 3rd, 3:30 PM

LOL.

*These are not the real email addresses of John Schnatter or Peyton Manning so don’t try to email them.**

**In fact, none of this is real. 

-Jonny Auping

The Day Uncle Phil and Don Cheadle Shook Hands

April 9th, 1865, Ulysses S. Grant and Robert E. Lee shook hands.

December 21, 1970, Elvis Presley and Richard Nixon shook hands. 

October 10th, 1990, Don Cheadle shook hands with Uncle Phil. 

It’s nearly impossible to say which of these handshakes was more monumental.

Grant led the Union army to victory over the Confederacy in the Civil War and everntually became the 18th president of the United States. Presley brought Rock N’ Roll music into the mainstream and effectively changed the landscape of American popular culture moving forward. Don Cheadle delivered an Oscar-worthy performance in the inspiring film Hotel Rwanda and then shocked us all with his range in Hotel for Dogs. Who is to say which of these men is most important in the grand scheme of things?

When James Avery, the actor who played “Uncle Phil” on the sitcom Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, passed away last week after open heart surgery, I was instantly shocked and dismayed. I wanted to write something about it, but it took me a week to catch my bearings. 

Like so many other people born between 1978-1991 Uncle Phil played no small part in helping raise me. While I was lucky enough to have very attentive parents of my own, neither of them had grey beards, wore patterned sweater vests or engaged in witty banter with the British butler (in fact, I was deprived of even having a sassy, British butler as a child).

Will Smith said this week that “every young man needs an Uncle Phil,” and through the miracles of television, many of us did. I’ve written a lot about Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. No seriously, I’ve written a lot about it. But not once have I written about how hot Ashley Banks was in the last few seasons. That’s out of respect for Phillip Banks. 

I thought about providing you people with a long string of Youtube videos showcasing Uncle Phil’s finest scenes, but that’s too simple. When eulogizing someone it’s always a good idea to talk about the people who they touched.

One of the people who Uncle Phil touched was Don Cheadle… more specifically he touched his hand. On the fifth episode of the first season of Fresh Prince a 27-year old Don Cheadle guest starred as a character named “Ice-Tray.” I would tell you more about this episode, but I have actually written extensively about it already

What I failed to cover when I wrote about that episode was this:

Looking back, it’s like seeing a shooting star (or a double rainbow). THEY ACTUALLY TOUCHED HANDS.

Now, I think we can all agree that Don Cheadle is acting royalty. But I want to introduce something to you. It’s called Don Cheadle BHS and Don Cheadle AHS.

Don Cheadle BHS is of course “Before Hand Shake.” If you take a look at his IMDB page then you’ll notice before he shook Uncle Phil’s hand he had a bunch of one-episode roles in television shows and had been in only three credited movies. One of those roles includes a character called “Juicy Burgers Worker” in a movie called Moving Violations

But his “After Hand Shake” IMDB is just loaded with hits including: Boogie Nights, The Family Man, Traffic (Oscar winner), Swordfish, three Ocean’s Eleven movies, Crash (Oscar winner), Hotel Rwanda (Oscar nominations), Hotel For Dogs (arguably the all-time greatest movie about a hotel for dogs), two Iron Man movies, Flight (Oscar nomination), current role on the popular series House of Lies, and will be in the next Avengers movie.

Am I trying to imply that Don Cheadle was a good actor who, upon shaking hands with Uncle Phil, magically received some of his powers thus became a great actor and went on to star in terrific films for the next 20 years? No, of course not. How could I know that with any certainty?

I’m just saying that probably is what happened. 

If I haven’t touched you with that compelling and blatantly irrational argument then try to watch this video without crying:

R.I.P. Uncle Phil. We all miss you.

Jonny Auping

The 15 Seconds Before the Next Netflix Episode Starts…

Donald was watching the Walking Dead.

Everything was going great. Well, Carl was lost somewhere in the woods, but he does that sort of thing all the time, he’ll find his way back. Other than that, things were really running smoothly. Rick made some tough decisions, while the stubble on his beard remained the exact same length going on eight weeks, Daryl still hadn’t found any sleeves and most importantly, nearly 50 zombies had been stabbed or shot directly in the face. 

In other words, Donald was entertained and perfectly content with the way his life was going, staring mindlessly at his Netflix screen.

Then, all of a sudden, something happened. As the episode neared its ending it was minimized into the top left corner of the screen. In the bottom right corner of the screen was the name of the next episode. “Walking Dead on Netflix” was written in the background. But worst of all were the words written on the right hand of the screen:

“Next episode playing in 15 seconds…”

Wait…what? 15 seconds? Donald didn’t understand. What was he supposed to do for 15 seconds? Watching “walkers” be murdered by crossbow required no thought, yet it prevented him from thinking about anything else. What was he supposed to think about as Netflix made him wait? 

What followed was the most meditative, soul-searching 15 seconds that Donald had experienced in quite some time….

15

“Am I hungry? When was the last time I ate something? When was the last time I had any kind of fruit? If there’s some fruit in my fridge I should definitely have that. Oh, actually I think that Little Caesar’s pizza is still in there…”

14

“It’s Sunday, right?  Maybe it’s Saturday. Oh man, that would be awesome if it were Saturday. I think it is Saturday. Hell yeah, extra day to relax and watch some Netflix….”

(It was Wednesday)

13

“What should I get my mom for Christmas? I have to start thinking about what other people want when I buy gifts and not just buy something for them that I would like for myself. Mom likes Mad Men, right? I’m pretty sure she does. What season am I on? Four? Alright, season four of Mad Men it is. I’m a great son…”

12

“Is Tracy Chapman a man or a woman…?” 

11

“I mean, I’m pretty sure “Give Me One Reason” could be written from both a man or woman’s perspective. Either way, it’s a hell of a song…”

10

“That was weird when my ex texted me the other day. Are we friends now? I don’t miss her or anything. I’m totally fine without her. Who the hell is that guy in her profile picture? It’s total bullshit how she let me be the last one to text in the conversation. Now I look like the desperate one. I’m not desperate! She’s the one who texted me first!…”

9

“The other week when that homeless woman asked my friends and I for $2 for bus fare none of us gave her any money and agreed that she would just waste it on something. Then we all went to a bar and bought numerous $3 beers.

We wasted that money. Wouldn’t giving it to someone less fortunate mean it wouldn’t have been wasted regardless?”

“Is the cute girl from the coffee shop into me? 

She uses a lot of exclamation marks when she texts me. Why do girls do that? It’s deceiving. She can’t honestly be that excited about every singe sentence she texts!!!!…”

7

“Is it weird that we measure our worth in “likes” and “retweets” instead of compliments and smiles?…”

6

“I barely remember when I used to read. I mean, actually read. Like novels and articles with actual substance. In the future, will every published sentence be accompanied by a GIF?…”

5

“It seems like the most insulting thing to call someone is a racist. Nearly everyone in the world will disagree with the notion that they are racist. Yet there is clearly a lot of racism in the world. Does that mean I have to admit certain degrees of racist behavior in myself?..”

4

“Is the constant fight between atheists and Christians actually detrimental to the mental state of both of them? Pretending to know with certainty everything about the origins of our being seems like an arrogant insult to either the creator or the science that led us here. Being able to understand the necessary uncertainty of faith and beliefs usually helps us reach a more sincere connection with the lessons that religions or even science preach to us.

Hopefully people just stop fighting….”

3

“Didn’t I want to be a musician at one point? How long ago was that? I guess it was college. In fact, I majored in music in college…”

2

“It wasn’t just about music. I wanted to create something. I wanted to balance out the spectrum of what I consumed versus what I created. I wanted to contribute. I wanted to put things out there and hope that they made someone laugh, cry, sing, smile, frown or think…”

1

“I can still do that. I can create music. I can create songs. I can make things that will touch people of different religions and politics. 

I can start today. If I go to the store right now and buy some pen and paper then I’ll be ready to….”

0

“Whoa, they’re gonna set up camp in a prison? Oh. My. God. I bet it’s full of Walkers. I can’t wait to see what Laurie thinks of this one….”

Jonny Auping