Which Parks and Recreation Character Are You?

parks and rec

We all love those quizes on the Internet that help determine which character from TV sitcoms most closely represents us. They are a fun way to interact with our favorite shows. They’re just flat out addicting and irresistible. 

So I decided to create one myself for my current favorite comedy on TV: Parks and Recreation. Will you be Leslie? What about Tom Havorford? Are you a lovable nerd like Ben? Or maybe a wildcard like April or a goof like Andy…There are so many possibilities. 

The quizes that most websites use ask the participant a bunch of random, unrelated questions and using an algorithm, they take the combination of your answers to show you which character you are. 

Unfortunately, here at Stories For Sunday we don’t have access to the same technology as sites like Buzzfeed  so instead of allowing you to click on each answer we have a different system. I have assigned a numerical value to each answer for you to write down and you will have to do the slightest bit of math at the end. You simply add all your numbers together and I have developed a system that will determine which character you are depending on where your range of numbers falls.

Without further ado here are your eight questions and your character will be revealed at the end:

*Remember to write down the number next to each of your answers in order to find out your character. 

What is your favorite kind of music?

music

1. Country

2. Classical 

3. Hip Hop

4. Pop

5. Rock

6. Jazz

What’s your favorite sport to watch?

sports

1. Soccer

2. Football

3. Baseball

4. Basketball

5. Tennis

6. I don’t like sports

What country do you most want to travel to?

map

1. Spain

2. France

3. Mexico 

4. Australia 

5. Japan

6. You won’t catch me leaving the US of A.

What type of food do you like most:

food

1.) Hamburger

2.) Hot Dog

3.) Taco

4.) Pizza

5.) Sandwich

6.) Pasta

What’s your favorite kind of soda?

soda

1. Coca-Cola

2. 7-Up

3. Root Beer 

4. Mountain Dew

5. Dr. Pepper

6. Sprite

What’s your favorite meal of the day?

meals

1. Breakfast

2. Lunch 

3. Brunch

4. Dinner

5. I eat 5 small meals a day

6. Midnight snack

What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?

rainy day

1. Catch up on paper work 

2. Come up with a new business idea

3. Watch movies

4. Read a book

5. Do home exercises 

6. Rain doesn’t stop me from interacting with nature

What’s your favorite decade?

decades

1. Roaring Twenties

2. Free Love Sixties

3. Disco Seventies 

4. Reagan Eighties 

5. Grunge Nineties 

6. I live in the present 

—————————————————————————————————————-

Alright, have you kept track of all your answers?

It’s time to find out which Parks and Recreation character you are….

…we have determined that you are……………..

Jerry

 

JERRY GIRGICH!!!!

After running the numbers we came to the conclusion that none of the other characters on Parks and Recreation would take a quiz to determine which character they are in a TV sitcom. Furthermore, most of these questions are completely arbitrary in just about every sense that one would need to relate to this show and thus Jerry is the only character who would continue taking this quiz all the way to its conclusion.

Thanks for participating in our first ever quiz!

By the way, if you were wondering which New Girl character you are, it’s not Jess.

-Jonny Auping 

Tuesdays with 2 Chainz: A Cameo on Downton Abbey?

2 chainzabbey

Listen up Downton Abbey, I’m talking to you. The Walking Dead is back. And it’s coming hard for your Sunday night viewers. I know you’re probably thinking “we are on PBS, our viewers are far too sophisticated to watch zombie shows.” WRONG. My studies have shown that upwards of a bajillion people watch The Walking Dead so the probability would suggest that there is at least some crossover. 

So I’m here to help you out with some advice. You have to shake things up. I have an idea. I’ll admit that I have never seen an episode of Downton Abbey. I do know, however, that it seems to lack diversity, which is never a good thing for a show trying to get viewers. I have also done studies that prove that you’re not attracting a ton of black viewers (considerably less than a bajillion). 

So here’s my plan: give 2 Chainz a cameo on Downton Abbey. I’m not trying to imply that all black people enjoy 2 Chainz (I would never make such a generalization), but he would help diversify the show a little bit and he’s a popular musician/one time star of 2 Broke Girls).

Why would 2 Chainz do this? Well, just as your lack of diversity has cost you certain demographics, 2 Chainz is also struggling in one demographic: middle-aged moms. Moms don’t like 2 Chainz/know who he is. On the other hand ALL moms love Downton Abbey (I’m totally comfortable making this generalization). It’s a win/win for both sides.

Oh, you don’t think a rapper would be interested in appearing in a show about an aristocratic British family in the early 1900s? Well, 2 Chainz isn’t like most rappers. He’s different, as evidenced by this song:

I can already tell you’re probably worried about his lack of acting experience. Well, before you start making assumptions let me introduce you to 2 Chainz’ cameo in Law and Order: SVU last year:

“Dis man will peel my face off, sew it to a soccer ball, and kick into my mother’s yard.” Has Robert Crawley ever delivered a line with that much passion? I doubt it.

Not convinced yet? How about this cameo on 2 Broke Girls:

Think about it, he was asleep for 70 percent of the clip, yet he still managed to have the best performance of anyone in the scene. 

First you hit em with the Law and Order: SVU. Then you come at em with the 2 Broke Girls. The next logical step is Downton Abbey

You’re probably wondering how 2 Chainz’s character should be involved in the plot. I can’t do your entire job for you. You’re creative people, I’m sure you can figure something out. I don’t even watch the show. I heard Mary Crawley is looking for a new suitor. Might I suggest Sir Duel Chainz throw his hat in the ring? I’m hearing clamoring that Nanny West could use a cool sidekick. Nanny Chainz would be a nice plot twist, dont you think?

That part is up to you, but as the person who came up with this idea I do have one request: I think his character should have to say the words “biscuits and crumpets” at least once. I don’t know if that is a regularly used phrase in your show, but I just want to hear how he says it. I bet he thinks of a really cool way to say it. I also think it would be a funny idea to have him always refer to it as “Downtown” Abbey even after being corrected numerous times. I didn’t realize the extra ‘w’ wasn’t there until sometime during season two. 

In conclusion, you’re welcome and, as they say in England, cheers.

-Jonny Auping

Television’s Badger and Skinny Pete Power Rankings

I have never checked the statistics of this website to see how many people are reading it. Not once. For all I knew, no one is reading any of these words. Last Sunday, I realized that people actually are reading.

I realized it during the series finale of Breaking Bad. The episode featured the triumphant return of Badger and Skinny Pete (if you haven’t seen it yet, calm down, that spoiled nothing…except for, you know, the best part). I have written an indefensible amount of words about Badger and Skinny Pete on this website. I was pleasantly surprised by the number of tweets (and texts) that I was berated with within five minutes of B & SP hitting the screen. 

So I guess…thank you guys for reading.

Anyway, I also became sad that Breaking Bad was over because it meant that I had probably written my last words about my two favorite characters. Then I realized that Vince Gillagon and AMC don’t own me. If I want to write about them one more time then I will.

So I created the “Badger and Skinny Pete Power Rankings” for all of television past and present. See, plenty of shows have characters like B & SP: buddies who are almost always together and lighten the mood one way or another.

The criteria is pretty loose. To qualify neither of the characters can be considered the lead in the series. They can have extremely small roles in the show or they can be prominently featured. They have to be friends and they have to give the show a more broad perspective beyond the main characters.

Without further ado, here are the rankings:

8.) Angel and Masuka from Dexter

To be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of Dexter, probably because 80 percent of the cast are really average actors. I’m also only two seasons into it so for all I know, both of these characters could be murdered by now.

But Angel and Masuka give the show the random comedic twist that any serial killer-based plot needs. This is exactly what we would all expect the Miami police force to look like; a stereotypical Puerto Rican guy wearing a fedora and a small, perverted Asian man.

7.) Marcus and Mo from Smart Guy

I would have watched this show without T.J. Honestly, I would have.

Here’s a sentence I copied and pasted from the Wikipedia page for Morris L. “Mo” Tibbs:

“He is typically portrayed in the show as being dimwitted (such as confusing a rasher with a haberdasher) and sometimes gullible, to the point where in the episode “I Was a Teenage Sports Wife”, T.J. makes Mo part of a placebo experiment by giving him sugar-filled pill capsules that T.J. claims will stimulate synapses in the brain (therefore increasing intelligence), in order to better perform on tests, only for Mo to inform other students about the pills and flooding T.J. with offers for the “brain pills”.”

I don’t know what’s more sad, the fact that someone took the time to write that on Wikipedia or the fact that I very clearly remember that episode.

6.) Brett and Harris (Animal Control) from Parks and Recreation

Brett and Harris have only been on Parks and Rec a few times (Harris Wittles is a writer for the show), but every time has been amazing. On the sad day when Parks and Recreation is taken off the air, I would be totally fine with an Animal Control spinoff. 

You wouldn’t watch these guys for 30 minutes a week?:

5.) Frankie and Joey from Boy Meets World

Frankie and Joey were more than just bullies, they were deeply complex and emotional characters and arguably better friends than Cory and Shawn. They were like the “Huell and Kuby” of Boy Meets World.

*Since we jumped from Parks and Recreation to Boy Meets World, I feel obligated to share this clip from the show guest starring Adam Scott and featuring defining performances by both Frankie and Joey:

4.) Sherri and Terri from The Simpsons:

Sherrri and Terri are the only females to make the power rankings, as well as the only duo who are blood-related.

They are essentially one character because it’s impossible to know which one is which at any given time. They made it this high in the rankings mostly because they gave us this:

3.) Bubbles and Johnny from The Wire

The Wire was a television show about Baltimore police officers trying to catch Baltimore drug dealers. Somewhere in between those two worlds are the Baltimore drug fiends. Enter Bubbles and Johnny. They live frighteningly depressing and desperate lives. They show us the harsh reality of people who have lost everything from drug addiction. Yet they find a way to provide comedic relief while they’re doing it. 

2.) Statler and Waldorf (old men) from The Muppets:

You may be a smart ass, but you’ll never be “old men in the balcony from The Muppets” smart ass. These guys set the standard for assholes everywhere. 

1.) Badger and Skinny Pete from Breaking Bad

We’re told to think that Heizenberg’s blue meth was so “pure” that it was irresistible to customers, but did you ever stop to think that maybe B & SP were just exceptional salesmen those first couples seasons?

There are a lot of great scenes in Breaking Bad, but I think this one pretty easily takes the cake:

“Dude you are so historically retarded.”

They’re the champs. We’ll miss you guys so much. 

Jonny Auping

“Better Call Huell” The “Breaking Bad” Spinoff That SHOULD Happen

As Breaking Bad comes to a close, you’ve probably already heard that AMC has green-lit a spinoff based on Walter White’s grimy and resourceful lawyer, Saul Goodman. A lot of people are excited about  Better Call Saul (which will be a prequel) and are just glad that a little bit of their Breaking Bad universe can remain alive for at least one more season. 

I’m excited for it as well…I guess. My only concern is that we’re already familiar with too much of Saul’s story. Watching him will just make us wish that Walter or Jesse will walk into his office and the gang will all get back together to cook up some meth. 

If they want to make a spinoff they should base it off of a character that we know almost nothing about, but will still all recognize. That’s why I propose the production of Better Call Huell based on the life of Saul Goodman’s trusty bodyguard, Huell.

In a recent interview with Rolling Stone magazine, Lavell Crawford, the actor who plays Huell, said this about the Saul-spinoff: “If they wanna do it, I’m game. I’d be love to see what his (Breaking Bad show runner Vince Gillagon) mind would think of.” Clearly Crawford is available.

Are you going to try to tell me that you don’t want to watch a show based on this guy?:

Here’s my pitch for the pilot:

Huell, only five years removed from being kicked off of the University of New Mexico football team for failing multiple conditioning tests, is looking for work. He becomes a night security guard at the zoo where he meets Patrick Kuby (Bill Burr) who also works security for the zoo. They are put in touch with a Japanese zookeeper who wants to smuggle one of the zoo’s rare Komodo Dragons back to Tokyo. They pull off the heist. It starts with animal smuggling which leads to security work for drug dealers which leads to security work for crooked lawyers and plenty of shenanigans ensue. Throughout the series, his girlfriend is pressuring him to keep away from illegal jobs, but he can’t resist the money.

There will be laughing, crying, and plenty of heavy breathing.

Here’s my reccomendations for potential cast members (besides Crawford):

Bill Burr playing best friend/sidekick, Patrick Kuby

One’s the fast talker and the other is the extremely slow talker, a perfect pair. 

Uzo Aduba playing Huell’s girlfriend

Aduba plays “Crazy Eyes” in Orange is the New Black. She won’t be as insane and intentionally unattractive as she is in Orange, but the character of the girlfriend will have to be played by someone who we’ll believe as crazy enough to date Huell and intense enough to have some control over him.

Andre Royals playing Huell’s first drug dealer client.

That’s right, “Bubbles” from The Wire. The guy needs to make his return to television, this time as a drug king pin instead of an addict. Maybe we could see his ruthless side. The contrast in size between him and Huell would create all sorts of hilarious interactions. 

Jeff Goldblum as the corrupt politician who has it out for Huell

So at one point, Huell does some bodyguard work for a local politician who tries to force a young campaign manager into having sex with him. Huell stops the act from happening and intimidates and humiliates the man with his enormous size. Throughout the series, the politician tries to take Huell out for revenge. I have no idea why Jeff Goldblum is playing this character, it just feels right to me.

I feel as though I’ve made a pretty strong case for the potential of this series and I expect pre-production to start in the next four months. Sure, right now Lavell Crawford might just be the 14th most important character on Breaking Bad, but once this show takes off this sort of behavior will be a regular thing for Mr. Crawford:

-Jonny Auping 

Two Turtles Reacting to Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance

Harold and Brian are two neighbor turtles that commute to work every day. Their job is about 150 feet away, making it a 45-minute commute. This was their conversation Monday morning:

“Hey Brian.”

“Hey Harold, what’s going on?”

“Not Much. So did you catch those VMA’s last night?”

“Sure did. That Miley Cyrus has really come out of her shell since ‘Party in the USA,’ huh?”

“You got that right. How about the shots of the crowd during her performance? And I thought we were awkward.”

“I mean it was so weird. I didn’t understand the backup dancers with bears tied to their backs. Uhh, I’ve been carrying something heavy on my back since the day I was born and let’s just say it’s not easy to twerk like that.”

“Yeah, no kidding. She kept singing about Molly? What’s Molly?”

“I think it’s a drug that the kids are taking these days. My son, Franklin, says all the rappers are singing about it.”

“Oh that makes sense. I wonder if that’s what that Hare was on that tried to race you. Remember, last week?”

“Oh yeah, that dude was definitely on something. He was so fast at the start of the race then he just crashed like halfway through.”

“I mean, honestly the performance wasn’t even that bad until she started dirty dancing on that zebra.”

“Zebra? That wasn’t a zebra, that was Robin Thicke…I think he was wearing striped pants to hide a certain something.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s just say I don’t think I was the only slow poke that came to see the performance last night.”

“Oh, come on, man. Grow up.”

“Sorry, sorry, sorry…. You got to admit, that one was pretty shell-arious.”

“I guess. Miley acting all provocative really wasn’t that surprising, but I was shocked that Woopie Goldberg would associate herself with such demeaning behavior.”

“Brian, you dummy, that was 2 Chainz.”

“Oh really? That actually makes a lot more sense now that I think about it. That dude raps slower than I walk.”

“Shell yeah he does.”

“So, would you let your kids listen to Miley after seeing that?”

“My youngest is 94 years old, they can listen to whatever they want to. She was being super slutty, but it’s not like she killed anybody.”

“Tell that to Will Smith’s family. They looked pretty upset.”

“I think they were actually reacting to Lady Gaga.

“Either way, they couldn’t have been more upset than I was after seeing After Earth. I felt like a sea turtle after seeing that sinking ship of a movie.”

“Haha. Good one.”

Thanks.”

“Well, I guess we’re here. What were you going to do for lunch?”

“I was thinking about leaves.”

“Alright cool, I’ll see you back here around noon.”

“Later man.”

-Jonny Auping. 

Jess Looking: My Craigslist Hunt For “New Girl” Roommates

A lot of people think the sole reason a sitcom will be massively successful is if it’s funny. That’s not entirely true. The key to making a hit sitcom is to make the viewers feel like the plot could easily be about their lives.

This is why Friends was so incredibly popular. Every person between ages 14-35 thought “this show is so much like me and my friends,” despite the fact that they didn’t know anyone as hot as Rachel, as neurotic as Ross, as sarcastic as Chandler, as stupid and lovable as Joey or as quirky as Phoebe. They probably knew someone like Monica, because she kinda sucks.

The point is that people spend time watching sitcoms either comparing the show to their lives or wishing their lives were more like the show.

One sitcom that is on the air right now, which executes this relatable quality perfectly is New Girl, staring Zooey Deschanel about three male roommates who let a female roommate move in with them. It’s extremely popular.

Two things have been invented since Friends was in its prime: Netflix Instant and Craig’s List. I used Netflix Instant to watch the entire first season of New Girl in about a week.

Then I used Craig’s List to prove that we all just want to live out our favorites sitcoms.

Continue reading

The Worst Commercials on TV

Have you ever watched those programs called “Funniest Commercials of 2012″ on stations like TBS? I hope not, because it’s a pretty terrible experience. Here are the five reasons that you would probably hate watching a program like that.

  1. The fact that you are watching that program reminds you how uneventful and boring your life is.
  2. The commercials usually aren’t funny.
  3. If the commercials are funny then you’ve probably seen them countless time back when they were actually commercials, which means they’re not funny anymore.
  4. You’re watching commercials for an hour.
  5. The somewhat decent commercials being honored on the show make the actual commercials during the commercial break seem that much more excruciating.  

Because I hate those shows and, like everyone else who watches television, think to myself “I could easily make better commercials,” I am going to show you some of the worst commercials currently on television. Instead of being constructive and actually following through with my claim to be able to make commercials, I’ll just be critical of those who make them. I’ll also try to add humor to my criticism so that you can tell I am witty enough to be able to make commercials, if I wanted to. But I don’t want to. You’ll just have to believe me that I could. 

Chuck Liddell Opens Doors For You:

Host at the restaurant: “Do you have reservations? We’re all booked up.”

Chuck Liddell pops up, smiling: “We don’t have a reservation.”

Host: “Ohhhhhh, I didn’t realize you were here, Mr. Liddell. In that case, I think we have a table available over in 2007 when you were still relevant and somewhat famous.”

Continue reading

Cartoons that Made Us Weird

Our parents could only take so much of us…

That’s why they let the other 30% of parenting and nurturing come from cartoons. We all watched our fair share of cartoons, but I recently realized that our parents definitely didn’t watch most of those cartoons with us, because if they did, they would have been horrified. 

Obviously, cartoons have always been kind of out there and crazy. Loony Tunes and Tom and Jerry were both pretty violent when you think about it. But that’s all in good fun. Seeing a mouse hit a cat in the head with a hammer does little psychological damage to small child (I assume).

But there were some cartoons that were just really, really weird. Going back and watching them now, would actually be quite frightening. And I think they probably did unidentifiable and irreversible damage to our future personalities. 

Here are a few examples:

Ed, Edd N Eddy:

Best case scenario this show was about a mentally retarded boy, a smart kid with some sort of chicken leg disorder and a total asshole friend that looks like he’s 40 years old. Oh, and they are all dangerously addicted to Jawbreakers. 

Honestly, that’s the best case scenario. 

Continue reading

The Never Forget Legacy Draft

The NFL Draft is tonight on ESPN. NFL stands for National Football League. You probably knew that.

But what if it didn’t?

What if it stood for Never Forget Legacy? What if the draft were just a process where different cities get to draft celebrities that are no longer in the spotlight to represent their city as the token nostalgia-inducing star who tourists and locals alike can bond over?

Something this stupid would only exist here at Stories For Sunday. So you can be sure that I will provide you with the results of the first ever Never Forget Legacy Draft…

1.) Kansas City, MO: Eric Matthews

With the first overall selection, the city of Kansas City selects Cory’s older brother, Eric.

Great move by KC, here. Not only would he be a great person to walk the streets and greet citizens, but he could also go to sporting events and local business openings and yell, “FEEEENNNIEEE!!!” into the microphone as a sort of symbol to start the event.

Continue reading

A Look Back: Clothing on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

It’s like the chicken and the egg argument.

Did Will Smith dress the way he did in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air because that was the style in the nineties or was that the style in the nineties because Will Smith dressed that way in Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

Or I could take this a step further. Did other people actually dress that way or was it just Will Smith and we associate Fresh Princes so strongly with the nineties that we just assume that was the style? To be honest, I don’t know. I was only 11 by the time the nineties were over and I don’t think I dressed like Smith. I do know I wore a lot of t-shirts with geckos on them. I also know that it’s been over four months since I’ve written about Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and that’s just unacceptable.

So I thought I would take you on a trip down memory lane and show you some of the best outfits Will ever rocked on the set of perhaps the best show of all time.

*Note: If any article finally gets me in trouble for image copyright infringement it will probably be this one.

Business Casual: 

Here we have Will in serious mode. He is rocking a fresh pair of J’s, a cap (with the bill popped upwards) and a blazer over a color-coordinated t-shirt. Will could possibly wear this outfit to a job interview, but it would probably be more fitting for some sort of dinner party or gala.

2 Kewl 4 Both Shoulders:

You had to be careful trying to pull off an outfit like this. First of all, you can’t just put overalls over any old shirt. It has to be an odd colored shirt with a ton of crazy designs on it. And I don’t think I have to tell anyone this, but don’t be a rookie, you only let one of the the straps go over your shoulder (your left shoulder) and you let the other one hang down. You don’t want to look like a fool. Will could wear an outfit like this while running errands around town.

Continue reading