Yahoo! Trending: True Life – I’m Addicted to Oreos

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Yahoo! Trending is a recurring piece where I gauge the type of stories that America is interested in by going on the Yahoo! home page and looking at the top ten topics trending. I select a topic that grabs my eye and click on it. I then select an article that details the topic and break it down.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve written a “Yahoo! Trending” piece. I’ve been busy writing stories equally as random. I would never, however, ask you to go too long without a fix of that “Yahoo! Trending” medicine you’ve been itching for.

So I logged into Yahoo! and how could I pick anything but number 4, staring right at me, “Oreo Addictive?”

I clicked on the words and was led to an article by ABC News that posed the question, “Could Oreos be as addictive as cocaine?” That article can be found here.

Let me break down this article for you:

An unpublished study (you know, because who cares if you’re published when you can be the number four trending story on Yahoo!?) is claiming that “sugary, fatty” foods like Oreos cause similar reactions as things like morphine and cocaine. Oh wait, I actually left off the last five words of that sentence. The paragraph finishes with the words, “…at least in lab rats.”

That’s right, folks. It turns out that if you capture a rat, keep it in a small confined area, wait for it to get hungry and then give it an Oreo then it will really, really like it. It will act almost like a cocaine addict the way it goes after that piece of food that it is, by nature, expected to feast on. You know what else rats are addicted to? Trash.

The article then features the following sentence:

“Oreos weren’t specifically singled out for their ability to trigger a snack attack, they were just a handy device to get enough fat and sugar in the rat’s habitat.”

I don’t really have anything to say about that sentence except that you, your kids and your grandchildren will probably never see that same combination of words ever again for the rest of your lives.

Shockingly, a spokesperson for Nabisco warned the public against taking the study too seriously.

“While it may seem simple to bucket foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ the reality is that foods are complex, and encouraging people to enjoy a balanced diet paired with physical activity is most important.”

They completely dodged the issue at hand. They basically just said you should eat healthy foods and exercise,  while ignoring the claim that the Oreo might be addictive. That’s like telling a heroin addict to get eight hours of sleep and drink a lot of water. Those things won’t make you want heroin any less.

Jamie Honohan, who conceptualized the study, answered the question of “why Oreos?”:

“We chose Oreos not only because they are America’s favorite cookie, and highly palatable to rats, but also because products containing high amounts of fat and sugar are heavily marketed in communities with lower socioeconomic statuses.”

Whoa! Shots fired at Chips Ahoy!

I managed to track down the creator of Chips Ahoy! and this was his response to Ms. Honohan’s claim*:

“America’s favorite cookie my ass! Oreos don’t hold a candle to Chips Ahoy! If rats are getting addicted to any cookie it’s Chips Ahoy!. They’ll go through those sleeves like nobody’s business! In fact, I use Chips Ahoy! for my mouse traps. I demand a new study be done!”

*(I didn’t really talk to Mr. Chips Ahoy! I made that up. But I feel confident that would be his response.)

The Oreo study was done by having a control variable. The rats were also given rice cakes and they reportedly spent more time with the Oreos. In the very next paragraph, Joseph Schroeder, who performed the study, completely stole the joke I was about to use:

“Just like humans, rats don’t seem to get much pleasure out of eating (rice cakes).”

Mr. Schroeder, let me introduce you to someone who strongly disagrees:

His name is the Quaker Oaks guy and you better hope you don’t run into him in a dark alley.

The article goes on to discuss the possibility of addiction through fatty and sugary foods. However, it is the conclusion of the article that brings the most interesting fact. It is the style in which the rats eat the Oreos that might actually shock you:

“They would break [the cookie] open and eat the middle first.”

My god. Who cares if Oreos might be addictive. Didn’t we already know that? The real news here is that rats are so much more like us than we ever could have realized. I guarantee if the scientists would have put peanut butter and chocolate chips on those rice cakes then those little guys would have gone bonkers.

-Jonny Auping

Social Media WILL Land You in Jail

The Air It Out gang, True Money gang, and the Whoadey gang are in serious hot water. They may sound like dance crews from America’s Got Talent, but according to authorities they are three of the most violent street gangs in all of New York City.

Thankfully, there have been over sixty arrests and the police have made serious progress in taking these gangs down. How did they do it? By checking social media.

This article from ABC News explains that the three gangs were heavily involved in numerous shootings as well as gun trafficking. The police are quite proud of their takedowns. Apparently their hot leads came down to gang members tweeting and updating their Facebook status about some of the illegal activities they were taking part in, which I think we can all agree is quite foolish.

“This is how people are communicating,” district attorney, Cy Vance said in the article. “It’s no different whether it’s talking about getting together on Saturday night or getting together on Saturday night to shoot somebody.”

Well done, boys. Way to think outside of the box to fight the war on crime.

But I did a little more research on this subject and found this article on HipHopDx.com, which, like the ABC article, gives an example of the tweets and Facebook statuses that were used as evidence. Here’s the quote that Facebook status that is pointed out in both articles that the authorities apparently used to catch the criminals:

“I’m 2 Glocks strapped rolling down 112 Madison 116th this is the New Iraq.”

However, unlike the ABC article, this article points out that this is a quote from the lyrics of a Meek Mill song featuring Rick Ross called, “Tupac Back.” Another gang member was caught tweeting “God forgives…I don’t. Somebody’s got to die tonight,” which is also a lyric from a Rick Ross song.

Now, I wouldn’t go as far as to recommend letting these gang members go, I’m all for doing what you have to do to catch violent criminals. But I have to say, this doesn’t totally feel like due process. Quoting rap lyrics on Twitter is pretty common and doesn’t always mean anything. I mean, if you tweet the lyrics to a Ke$sha song then that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a whore. It probably means you’re a little bit white trash, but that’s not a crime.

Also, how does Rick Ross not get in any trouble for saying all this?

So if this is the best way for us to take down killers, I’m all for it. BUT I think we should at least be fair and apply this to everyone. So here are a few celebrity tweets that I found, which contain rap lyrics or slang terms. It might be necessary that we bring these people in for interrogation.

You may not know this, but “Ridin’ Dirty” is a slang term for driving with illegal substances in the car. Not only did Bieber admit to doing it, but he gave his location. You don’t just quote Chamillionaire and get away with it.

“Pimp Status?” If we’re getting technical here, a pimp is someone who organizes and solicites prostitutes to willing customers. In order for Bell to be able to hand out “Pimp Status” she must be pretty high up on this organized movement. I understand that she’s trying to gather KickStarter donations for a Veronica Mars movie, but organized prostitution rings are not the right way to go about this.

You might think this is a joke, but New York authorities have long been suscpcious that Dory has associations with the Whoadey gang. Her and some guy named “Crush” have been smoking, selling and supplying marijuana across the Pacific Ocean for years now.

-Jonny Auping

Yahoo! Trending: The Tattooed Lingerie Thief

Yahoo! Trending is a recurring piece where I gauge the type of stories that America is interested in by going on the Yahoo! home page and looking at the top ten topics trending. I select a topic that grabs my eye and click on it. I then select an article that details the topic and break it down. 

Since the last time I wrote a Yahoo! Trending a lot has happened. A meteor hit Earth. North Korea is doing dangerous bomb things or something. A Carnival Cruise got stranded. The Pope resigned.

Oh, and in case you missed it, my last Yahoo! Trending was about Taylor Swift’s claim that she doesn’t “chase boys.” With all these huge current events having taken place, I thought that surely the stories for today would be much more substantial and important news bits about pressing current events.

So I went to Yahoo! and immediately checked to see what the number one trending topic was. I wanted to see what story really had the nation on pins and needles and was driving the most online traffic. So that’s what I clicked on and that’s what I will be breaking down.

That topic was “Lingerie thief tattoo.”

I was quickly led to article by the Huffington Post about this pressing issue. Click here for that article.

Here’s the quick explanation of this story: a big fat guy broke into a lingerie/erotic merchandise shop, did unspeakable things (although the Huffington Post did in fact speak about them and so will we), dressed himself in women’s clothing and stole a bunch of products. Unfortunately for him, he had a tattoo of his last name across his back, which was bare because of the women’s clothing. This led to his eventual arrest.

That paragraph was honestly all you need to know about the story. Actually, you don’t need to know anything about this story. Not knowing that this story exists would not have affected your life in the slightest. But Huffington Post decided to go a little more in depth on the topic so I will oblige you with some more of their account.

Below are snippets from the Huffington Post article. Below them in italics is additional commentary by me.

“Pro tip: If you’re going to disguise yourself in a wig and a dress, make sure you cover the tattoo of your own name.”

Every article needs a good introduction and this one nailed it. It was snarky and catches the reader’s interest. Plus, it keeps things fresh with young people slang like “Pro tip.” I would have personally gone with “Real talk” but both work.

Police in Davenport, Iowa say Jose Angel Perales, 24, broke into Dr. John’s Lingerie Boutique at around 4 a.m. on Feb. 17, grabbing some merchandise before heading into the manager’s office, the Waterloo Cedar Falls Courier reported.

I think we can all agree that “Dr. John’s Lingerie Boutique” is a pretty strange name for a Lingerie/erotic merchandise shop. What could this guy possibly have a doctorate in? Also, the real loser here is any practicing doctor in Davenport, Iowa who happens to be named Dr. John. I don’t think a lot of people will continue to go to their checkups with him. 

“While inside the office, the 325-pound man “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch” according to a court complaint obtained by The Smoking Gun.”

Let’s just get it out in the open and talk about the weirdest part of that paragraph. I’m thinking it. You’re thinking it. How can something be a futon/couch? Either it’s a futon or it’s a couch. I mean, I think it’s pretty much implied that a futon is also a couch. You shouldn’t have to say it in the title. 

“Surveillance video allegedly shows Perales leaving the manager’s office naked, the Daily Mail reported.”

“He spent the next couple of hours trying on clothes and ‘experiment[ing] with sex toys,’ according to the court complaint”

“Police say he finally donned a red dress and blonde wig before heading out of the store.”

Ahh, the perfect crime…

“The man’s watertight disguise had one fatal flaw: During his naked interlude, surveillance cameras caught footage of his tattoo, which reads “Perales” in old English letters across his back, according to investigators. He was arrested Friday, according to WHBF.”

Right, that was the ONE  fatal flaw of a 325-pound hispanic man in a red dress and a blonde wig. If it weren’t for that one oversight it would have been a perfect plan. 

“Investigators say Perales had “used and/or taken” somewhere between $1,000 and $2,000 worth of merchandise. These items were apparently ineligible for resale because they were covered with bodily fluids.”

Absolutely my favorite one word addition to any article ever written is the inclusion of the word “apparently” in this paragraph. Go back and read the paragraph without the word apparently then read it one more time with it in there. Apparently bodily fluids lower the resale value of clothes in this picky consumer culture that we live in. 

“Perales was charged with third-degree burglary and third-degree theft.”

Obviously I think these are pretty disgusting acts and you would have to be pretty perverse to consider this type of behavior even remotely acceptable. That being said, I would get a kick out of this final paragraph being followed up by a quote from Perales saying “Totally worth it!”

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So there you have it America, that’s what you’re interested in.

We may or may not be getting our asses kicked by China in literally everything, but by all means keep reading about Taylor Swift and lingerie thieves.

-Jonny Auping

Yahoo! Trending: ‘I Never Chase Boys’

Yahoo! Trending is a recurring feature in which I check the interest in of the general public in our great country by finding out what stories are trending on Yahoo! I simply log on to Yahoo.com, click on the topic that grabs my attention and break it down. 

For this edition of Yahoo! Trending we find out just how powerful and famous of a person Taylor Swift is. As always, there were a number of interesting topics to choose from. Current events like “Megan Fox’s Son,” “BuckWild Star arrested” and “Pink Planet in the Sky.”

But there was one simple run of the mill quote sitting at number seven: “I Never Chase Boys.” It didn’t even say where the quote came from. But somehow there are enough Taylor Swift fans out there to know that it came from the pop/country singer.

So I clicked on the topic and was led to this article about T-Swift.

It’s essentially a recap of the most normal, mundane conversation a celebrity can have, but because she is Taylor Swift and used the word “boys,” about a bajillion people wanted to read it.

I’d like to believe I am an adequate representative of the rationale public so here is a breakdown of the few things Swift said in the article (originally taken from a Ryan Seacrest interview).

On Valentines Day:

I’m probably going to be with my friends, or rehearsing. I’ll be like, working on the lighting rig, and lighting cues. And I don’t think I’d rather be anywhere else, to be honest.

Yeah, aren’t lighting rigs the best? 

On her new album, “22”:

“I wrote [’22’] about my friends. Finally, I’ve got this amazing group of girlfriends. We tell each other everything, we’re together all the time. That was kind of the marker of me being 22, is like, having all these friends. There are a lot of question marks in your life, like where are you going, who are you going to meet, but the one thing that you have is each other.”

That’s so true. I think all that stuff you said is what being a 16-year old girl is all about. Wait, you said 22? 

Continued on her best friends:

“I would say I have 15 best friends.”

That makes sense. I would say I have 15 least favorite Taylor Swift songs.*

*For the record, I can’t act like I’m too cool for all Taylor Swift songs. I still listen to “Our Song” and “Love Story.” I’m sorry that they’re extremely catchy.

On Google Alerts (or something):

“I’m sure if I looked up the latest Google Alerts rumor it would say I’m chasing somebody who doesn’t like me as much as I like him – people love that angle on me.”

-Uhh I don’t have a Taylor Swift Google alerts. Some of us have lives. I only have a 2 Chainz Google alert and I’ll have you know that he just appeared in an episode of  “2 Broke Girls.” Pretty cool, huh? Enjoy your lighting rigs.

On people’s perception of her:

“They’re like ‘Oh Taylor, coming on too strong again, chasing boys.”

-Oh Taylor, people don’t really talk like that.

On Never Chasing Boys:

“I never chase boys. They don’t like that.”

Yeah, we totally hate that. Kind of like how dogs hate being fed and you hate attention. 

 

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And that’s what’s happening in America…

-Jonny Auping

Yahoo! Trending: Drink More Panda Blood

If you’re new to “Yahoo Trending” it’s a recurring feature at Stories For Sunday where I take a look at the top 10 subjects trending on Yahoo.com as a source for something to write about. Yahoo! never fails to provide some interesting topics so I pick one and break it down. 

I decided it was time for another installation of “Yahoo! Trending.” I wanted to find some news stories that would be a lot more entertaining to write about than fiscal cliffs and gun control (you know, important stuff). So I turned to the site that never fails to let me know the top ten things that our country is really interested in.

And it did not disappoint. I had some great options to choose from. There was “Bieber wants new laws,” “UFO-shaped gas station” and “Latrell Sprewell arrest.” All of them were viable candidates.

But at the end of the day nothing really compared to “PANDA BLOOD”!!!!!!

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Yahoo! Trending: A Regular Barbie Is Probably A Better Mother Than A ‘Human Barbie’

'Human Barbie' Gives 7-Year-Old Daughter Liposuction Voucher (ABC News)

Editor’s Note: Yahoo Trending is our way of discussing current events. We peruse Yahoo! and pick a “trending topic” to write about. It’s more fun that way, and hopefully we write about a subject that got lost in the hurricane of “Honey Boo-Boo” headlines.

I decided it was about time for another edition of Yahoo! trending. So I went to Yahoo.com to see what kind of fascinating news our wonderful world has been most interested in lately. And #4 caught my eye: “human barbie.”

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Yahoo Trending: The Racist Rant of a Non-Racist Chevy Chase

Editor’s Note: Yahoo Trending is our way of discussing current events. We peruse Yahoo! and pick a “trending topic” to write about. It’s more fun that way, and hopefully we write about a subject that got lost in the hurricane of “Honey Boo-Boo” headlines.

Howdy. So it was a little over a month ago that Clark asked me to help him run this website. Actually he didn’t ask me, he told me I was helping him run a new website. I agreed and asked what we would write about. He said “anything.”

I immediately thought about how liberating that would be. I love to write as a from of relaxation, but I write about sports so much (usually under a deadline) that I often become stressed when I stare at a Microsoft Word document. So now I have a reason to write about anything I want.

Then I tried to write something. And I didn’t know what the hell to talk about. I felt like Brick from Anchorman just looking around at objects in my room and naming them. My lamp article was not interesting or funny.

So I decided every so often I would go to Yahoo! and see what was trending and grab one of the topics. Since I typically have no idea what any of the trending topics are talking about I can easily click on one, read an article about it and share my (probably unwanted) opinion. So here’s my first one..

Chevy Chase tries to Fight Racism; Now a Racist 

    “We can’t close our eyes to the plight of the cities. Kids, you noticing all this plight?

-Clark Grizzwald

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