Thanksgiving’s Most Overrated Foods

Thanksgiving. America’s favorite holiday that celebrates America’s favorite pastime–rapid consumption of calories. 

Unfortunately, Thanksgiving will always be burdened by two inconvenient truths:

  1. Everything you were taught about the first Thanksgiving is shit.
  2. Confining your entire extended family to one living room is shit.

With these truths in mind, the importance of the Thanksgiving meal itself multiplies. This is a holiday for eatin’, and your only goal is to ensure the eatin’ is good.

To ensure you don’t ruin Thanksgiving and possibly the entire dynamic of your family, I will happily bestow upon you my personal list of Thanksgiving’s most overrated foods:

Green Bean Casserole

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“Hey honey?”

“Yes dear?”

“You know what would really compliment these savory mashed potatoes, these rich, delicious pies?

“What’s that, honey?”

“The worst vegetable of all time, but we make it really fucking creamy for some reason and crumble up some stale Funyons on top”

I was not at the Thanksgiving dinner when green bean casserole was first added to the menu, but I am confident that’s how history’s darkest day played out.

I will never understand why green bean casserole has a roster spot on Team Thanksgiving. Green bean casserole is the worst. Green bean casserole told the teacher she forgot to collect the homework. Green bean casserole starts most of its sentences with “I’m not racist, but…”. Green bean casserole claps all the end of movies. Green bean casserole thinks Ben Carson has some good ideas.

Cranberry Sauce

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Does anyone actually eat cranberry sauce? I feel like cranberry sauce is placed on the table just for looks–a charming bowl of dark red mush, nothing more than a festive garnish.

When dinner is done, the turkey carcass is exposed, the mashed potatoes linger as starchy grains of sand, the bread basket is barren…and the cranberry sauce completely untouched. Actually, somehow there’s more cranberry sauce in the bowl than before. God felt SO bad for cranberry sauce, he made more imcuately appear in the bowl, hoping to get your attention–and you still ignored cranberry sauce. AND you ignored God.

Rolls

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Rolls are what you eat when you’re still hungry, but the only food left is the green bean casserole and the cranberry sauce God made.

Turkey

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You wait and wait for the mecca of the Thanksgiving meal to be served. The capital city of Thanksgiving Town. The Christmas of Thanksgiving dishes. Finally, your darling mother walks in the room, displaying a perfectly cooked turkey.

“I spent five hours basting this turkey, and it’s cooked to perfection”, your mother proudly claims, and you think, “cool mom I’ve done a lot of shit in my life too just set the bird down”.

 You take a few pieces of dark meat, a few pieces of light meat. You penetrate the turkey with your miniature trident, slowly lifting the meat into your mouth and introduce it to your hot, wet, single friend, “taste buds”.

And it tastes sooooo…..turkey-y.

It’s just turkey. You knew how it was going to taste, you eat turkey like once a week. And it’s alright I guess? It’s just turkey. It’s a  white meat that taste and looks an awful lot like chicken. It’s just turkey.

Sorry to ruin your holiday, but come on. It’s just turkey.

Flubber

Ugh mom stop serving Flubber at Thanksgiving nobody likes it why cant we be a normal family.

15 Movies That Must Be Made

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For part of my childhood, I was determined to become a famous Hollywood actor when I grew up. 

Now, I didn’t always have this career aspiration. Actually, for the first eight years of my life, I had no aspirations at all. I was perfectly content being the gap-toothed kid who constantly got in trouble at school for eating rollie pollies during recess.

In 2002, things changed. After being absolutely mesmerized by Brendan Fraser’s Oscar-worthy performance in “The Mummy Returns”, I immediately knew what I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted that Brendan Fraser money, and I wanted those Brendan Fraser honeys.

Motivated by my new dream, I tried out for the lead male role in my middle school’s upcoming rendition of “Romeo and Juliet”. I knew that if I could just secure this gig, my stunning portrayal of Romeo would attract the top Hollywood scouts, and I’d be be living that Fraser life in no time.

Alas, it was not meant to be. Instead of securing the lead role of “Romeo”, I was cast as a lesser-known character called “tree in background”. (nailed it, for the record.)

While my acting career may have been short-lived, my affinity for movies has remained. I’ve even got a few ideas for what movies should be made next. I have no doubt in my mind that these films are bound to become classics. Just Venmo me later, Hollywood: 

50 Shades of Foreplay:
This PG-rated film shows two tight-bodied 20-somethings about to get real kinky, but cuts out right before you see anything cool.

Fast and Furious 9:
Three words. Ghost Paul Walker. 

Mission: Impossible 5:
Tom Cruise tries to get his career back on track.

How To Train Your Children To Realize Dragons (And Their Dreams) Aren’t Real:
Starring Ghost Paul Walker.

Liar Liar 2:
In 7th grade, this girl named Becky farted during Spanish class. Red-faced, she turned around and looked at me, immediately announcing to the class, “OMG Clark farted!”

My classmates roared with laughter….it was almost as if they didn’t realize that farts were simply just flatulence brought to the rectum by specialized contractions of the muscles in the intestines and colon.

What the hell Becky? We both know it was you, not me. You totally farted, you dick.

Toy Story 4:
Andy finds a different type of toy that comes to life in his girlfriend’s bedside drawer.

The OBAMA IS A SOCIALIST Network:
The captivating tale of young Mark Zuckerberg and his creation of a ground-breaking social media site that finally gave racist simpletons a chance to share their thoughts. 

Lego Movie 2:
Just a constant loop of your dad cursing after stepping on the legos you left out.

Spiderman (reboot):
That Seabiscuit guy gets bit by a radioactive spider and dies. The end. 

Seabiscuit 2:
Literally just biscuits in the ocean.

Gone In 16 Seconds:
A movie about a guy who swears this never happens, its just been a while, ok?

Titanic 2:
After nearly drowning, the Titanic sets out for revenge on that evil iceberg. Starring Liam Nesson as the Titanic.

Harold and Kumar Just Ate White Castle:
90 minutes of two friends sitting on the toilet, discussing how miserable their decision to eat White Castle was.

The Grand Holiday Inn Express Hotel:
A quirky indie film about a hotel with a built-in Bennigans near the freeway in Dayton, Ohio. 

I Know What You Did Last Summer:
Because I crept all the way into the “70 weeks old” photos on your Instagram.  

-Clark